‘Why did you have a baby with him?’

[Iftheydonlygetashifton]

Inspired by the numerous threads on MN where the OP is in a very tough situation with kids and an abusive partner, and the responses run ‘why on Earth did you choose to have children with him? You were with him for 3 years before children’ … etc etc. My thoughts are:

a) the OP isn’t omniscient;
b) many relationships change after having kids. Often having kids exposes men to be man-children. Hence, all the single mums out there and the many fewer single dads. And the mental burden disproportionately borne by women in hetero relationships even if both do paid work FT, etc.
c) Give the OP a break.

YABU - people don’t change substantially after having kids therefore it’s on the OP if they chose a wrong un.
YANBU - people can change after kids, relationships deteriorate, we should lay off a pile-on and give practical advice and moral support.

thanks

It really doesn't. Better she finds a man who will actually be part of a family and if the 2nd child happens great. But if not, look after what you already have.

@gattocattivo , I said in my post that it wasn't ideal.

Not all women are victims.

Some are just stupid and make dumb choices.

Nice 😐

You’re a delight, aren’t you. Do they get raped because they shouldn’t have been wearing a short skirt?
Are they asking for it?

Yes heaven forfend that she not have a second child if she wants one, or that she waits a while. Far better to give another child the gift if a useless father.

Why do you think this poster was referring to rape?

Are you arguing that all women are victims, that we have no agency at all? Or that we can never be stupid?

If women can never be stupid or make poor decisions, presumably the same applies to men....

@DisquietintheRanks @Gilead

Maybe consider the comment in the context of this thread, where many posters have described being in abusive relationships & the utter uselessness & upset that could be caused by a 'why did you have a baby with him?' post - which is what the whole thread is about.

@EarringsandLipstick except this thread isn't just about women in abusive relationships. It's also about women with lazy husbands who don't pull their weight, or partners that have no interest in children, or who are with men who leave a trail of broken relationships and children they never see behind them.

I get that it would make some women feel better to think that life just happens to all women and we are just leaves tossed wherever the wind carries us. But I think that's a deeply damaging philosophy. Women in the UK have fought for and won agency We are no longer chattels. We can decide stuff about our own lives.

@DisquietintheRanks it was an example.

As for your other point, yes we have agency (to some degree), but to bolster that we need to ensure education to assist with making those right decisions. We don’t have the infrastructure that we used to have for young people in particular. Youth clubs, for example, were often girls with problems felt they could talk and the youth workers could educate and help kids have access to contraception etc.

Where. Apologies.

I get that it would make some women feel better to think that life just happens to all women and we are just leaves tossed wherever the wind carries us.

Nonsense.

People would have to be very dim to believe that or offer it up as some rationale for particular choices.

The situations you describe in the previous paragraph often don't happen in isolation. Women who find themselves in these situations may do so for a myriad of reasons. It may not be abuse, but it could be their own lack of self-esteem, poor relationship modelling, and yes, making unwise decisions - but there's always more to it than that.

And regardless asking 'why did you have a baby with him' doesn't help. It doesn't provide some lightning-bolt of clarity that leads to behavioural change, whatever you think of their choices.

Yes, absolutely.