‘Why did you have a baby with him?’

[Iftheydonlygetashifton]

Inspired by the numerous threads on MN where the OP is in a very tough situation with kids and an abusive partner, and the responses run ‘why on Earth did you choose to have children with him? You were with him for 3 years before children’ … etc etc. My thoughts are:

a) the OP isn’t omniscient;
b) many relationships change after having kids. Often having kids exposes men to be man-children. Hence, all the single mums out there and the many fewer single dads. And the mental burden disproportionately borne by women in hetero relationships even if both do paid work FT, etc.
c) Give the OP a break.

YABU - people don’t change substantially after having kids therefore it’s on the OP if they chose a wrong un.
YANBU - people can change after kids, relationships deteriorate, we should lay off a pile-on and give practical advice and moral support.

thanks

Sometimes it is something worth asking when the Op says, “I knew he was like this but I hoped having a baby would change his behaviour” but most of the time I agree with you

YABU. Nobody is an angel before kids/marriage and then radically turns into the devil.

The signs are there. If people choose not to read them that’s up to them.

The comment isn't really directed to the OP.

It's a rhetorical question to the whole readership of the thread and a useful reminder that it's generally better to choose someone you have every reason to think will be a good father, rather than just find yourself in the situation for whatever reason.

Finding out why someone made the choices they did can also be helpful

I understand your point OP but it’s the sheer prevalence of these types of situations. We have to be careful who we partner up with and have children with. It’s almost always the women who get left in the lurch.

A lot of men do change when their partner gets pregnant so I totally agree. Domestic violence rates go through the roof during pregnancy, some men only turn violent when their partner is pregnant. I think if we psychoanalyse it’s probably to do with the man believing the woman is now trapped and his property because she’s carrying his child.

And kindly @Iftheydonlygetashifton it shows that you have no idea that some women are in relationships where they have no control over sex and being able to say no. Sometimes going along with things is the only way to prevent the abuse getting worse. Many women bide their time and get trapped.

The idea that he suddenly changes would work for the first but 4 or so children later seems a bit weird to keep on complaining he I useless and lazy and good for nothing

But did he really change or were the signs ignored?

Because sometimes a thread appears which makes you want to bang your head against the wall and when the OP catalogues a litany of abuse going right back and then declares she has several children with the bloke, it's a pertinent question

Maybe he was fine without kids. But if he changes after the first one and is useless as a parent then why have more? Make it make sense.

It’s not quite as black and white as that though. Men do get worse, but it’s unlikely that a man who is pulling his weight in a relationship suddenly becomes an arsehole.

I think it’s less of a dig at the OP and more of a warning to others to think before getting pregnant.

I agree that it's unhelpful. That is why I always say "sort out rock solid contraception in your control." To try to stop it happening again. Which it usually will.

Of course people can change after having children. But sometimes the OP relates a tale of an already shitty relationship before deciding to conceive.

Or things are shitty after the 1st DC and then they go on to have more.

While some women may be controlled to the extent that they don't have a say in their own reproductive rights, this is not the case for the majority of women who have children in abusive relationships. There is a lack of critical thinking, foresight and planning in a massive number of pregnancies, and the person bringing a child into the world should take responsibility for that decision. There are so many options in the UK - abstinence, birth control, MAP, abortion, adoption, that for most people there is no excuse to inflict an abusive partner on their children.

YANBU

From personal experience men and relationships change a lot when someone is pregnant. For me, he couldn't handle me having needs and asking and expecting him to help me out and do things for him - i had literally never asked him for anything before as I was very independent in every way you can be (although I had looked after him
And supported him through lots of dramas and life crises) so we had had a great couple of years of enjoying being in love before the pregnant and had had no real 'tests' to the relationship- during pregnancy was also the first time it was clear and obvious to me that he SHOULD be willing to step up and help me with things, and he wasn't, and that was a big worry that I called him out on which created arguments etc.

My ex didn't stick around until baby was born but I'm sure he would have been awful if he had. And that would have been a total contrast to the guy who was loving and caring to me when the relationship was new and easy and I didn't hold him accountable for anything or expect anything from him

In my case I thought I had a wonderful partners who was deeply in love with me and the baby was very much planned- his idea even

It can be a more positive question: you must have been attracted to this man at one point, can you remember why? Is there something you can build on from that going forward?

But there is also this desire for some women whose whole childhood is thinking and planning on children, that is all they want to do in life.

They don't care who it's with they just want endless children

Yanbu for child one although I think that there's often red flags before pregnancy. If your husband is shit when you have one child, having child 2/3/4... isn't going to make things better.

100% agree. It's a comment intended to put the OP down, let's be honest.

Of course there's the reason that many abusive men don't show their true colours until after the birth of a baby, but that shouldn't even matter.

The OP is asking about a present problem. They need help with their situation now. It doesn't really matter how they got there. It matters how they get out.

Let's say the OP responsed to such a comment with "well I'm really insecure and wanted a child and thought no one else would want to be with me", how relevant is that context? Will that change the advice given in any way?

Whichever way you spin it, it's just judgemental and rude. It's never necessary to know WHY she's had kids with him.

YABU. Every friend who’s relationship broke down because their husband was shit it was that way from the start they just chose not to see it.
People need to realise the single biggest thing that will affect your whole life is your choice of life partner/father of your kids. Get it right and life is good, get it wrong and life can be terrible

I don't see this question asked so much on threads where the husband/partner is a violent abuser.

More so where he's a lazy, shiftless arsewipe, and there was likely a long pattern of this behaviour well BEFORE the OP decided misery needs company and proceeded to introduce not one but multiple children into the equation.

To add, it's very victim blamey. It's "why doesn't she just leave?" dressed up in a different way.

I know exactly the sort of person who says this, they support the abuse of women, theyre often easily manipulated and think that women really should work to deserve their man etc . My exMIL often said " yeah but you knew what he was like" " you chose to marry him". "You've just got to give them something else to think about" I don't support my daughters to bisit her.

It annoys me to read those responses too, it's not like they can unmake their child. Snidey people who probably like to press people's bruises.

I'm n your experience maybe!