Mrs and Mr Smith

[Oysterbabe]

When I write client letters I always put the woman's name first in the address and write
Dear Mrs & Mr Smith. The letters have to be checked before posting and my boss always swaps the names back because 'it doesn't flow properly'
AIBU for always writing the woman's name first?

Why?
It's not your name.
Why are you bothered?
How is it affecting you?

@Superfood We got married over 20 years ago and it was the done thing among my peers. I wouldn't do it now.

Likewise except over 30 years ago. At the time, I didn't know any women who didn't change their name on marriage; some medics and PhDs would retain their original surname for professional use and be 'Mrs Hisname' socially and 'Dr Hername' professionally.

That was then, I'm sure many of us would make a different choice now.

Could be worse... my DM once (only once, she realised she'd been idiotic) addressed a card to us (both PhDs) as Dr and Mrs.

I'm not sure about that... it was 90% according to a survey, (7 years ago!) but that only represents those being surveyed; it may not have been very representative of the population at large.
The trend (as I see it, at leadt) is definitely moving away from this; but, moreover, fewer people are getting married in the first place, so there are more unmarried women, who obviously won't be changing their names.

If you surveyed my friends' adult kids who have married in the last few years, all 20s and 30s, every single one of them has changed their name. All good jobs very independent etc.

Mine too.
colleagues, friends, family, acquaintances…. All have changed their name bar one

Really? That's surprising. And a bit depressing.

And yet on here it's like the ultimate sin

Clearly not for them. They had the choice. They made their choice. In a teacher and I'm fb friends with some who are now adults in their late 30s and I've seen them get married and change their names too.
I'm in my 50s and when i married for the 1st time in the 90s it was just what you did. I married for the 2nd time a few years ago and changed because i wanted to.
I honestly think mn is another world

Because 1) I'm a woman, and 2) have a daughter.

Every woman and girl is negatively affected by the perpetuation of the patriarchy.

Supporting the idea that women are inferior to men, and that our identities are defined by them, obviously harms us all.

My parents' best friends were very, very right-on 60s people. She kept her own name, became a PhD, and their children were double-barrelled. Plus, they only got married after having the children, and did it without telling anyone.

Seeing that was hugely influential on me as a child. It showed me how significant it can be for a young girl to see that there are other options and that men and women are equals.

Did they know it's a choice, though? Among the reasons my sister didn't marry her partner was because she didn't want to change her surname to his rather dull one. When I pointed out you don't have to change your name, she genuinely hadn't realised. (How we could have grown up in the same household, with books like the Female Eunuch around and various second wave feminists among my parents' friends and family, and she not know stuff like this, I do not know, but there we are...)

It genuinely does my nut that some people care so much about other people's choices! I'm perfectly intelligent but I WANTED to adopt the traditions of being married, there's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't affect my intellect (or you) one little bit. My daughters are being raised to think for themselves. They know they can marry whomever they choose or not get married, that they can follow education as far as they want, or get a job at McDonalds if they wish. My sons are being brought up to do exactly the same around the house as my daughter's do, and that women aren't here to pander to them. I'm doing all that very successfully thank you as a Mrs.Myhusband. Now how about supporting women's choices rather than being so patronising because you're actually worse than a mysogynist with that attitude!

I'm also in my 50s and married in the 90s. Didn't change my name 🙂

Yes, your ex pupils had the choice, but why did they pick that option? If it was because it was expected of them, or because of 'tradition', then it wasn't so much a choice, as giving in. And if there is pressure on young women to do certain things that young men aren't expected to do then it's important to know, and question the reasons why.

Why did you want to change your name the 2nd time, if you don't mind my asking?

You think that suggesting women challenge patriarchal traditions makes me "worse than a mysogynist [sic]"?

Odd.

To be fair, I wouldn't even notice that it was the opposite way round.

No, I'm telling you that berating women for making their own choices is worse than misogyny so stop being deliberately obtuse, we both know you're more intelligent than that (and really? The sic? 🤣)

That's outdated now. It pisses people off.

Mr A and Mrs B Smith is correct

I don't have the same last name as my husband. We got some stickers printed so we can stick them on the envelope with our names and return address on. My MIL has been told my name. She refuses.

90% in 2016 is not the vast VAST majority. I am prepared to accept that taking on a husband's name is less likely in my socio-economic circles than in the general population based on those quoted stats.

I just wanted to give this a little bump for the sheer absurdity of the outcome due to the assumptions made by the holiday companies!

Not misogynisitic if the majority of informed, sober women prefer it.

And it doesn't necessarily disclose marital statues. A single woman can call herself Mrs and a married one Miss.

And all have the option of Ms. So marital status is disclosed only if the woman wants it to be disclosed. Women have options. That's great.

And it doesn't necessarily disclose marital statues. A single woman can call herself Mrs and a married one Miss.And all have the option of Ms. So marital status is disclosed only if the woman wants it to be disclosed. Women have options. That's great.

But people will make assumptions and judge you, whichever you choose to use, whereas men just get Mr whatever.

They were not giving in. They were doing what they chose. As was I.
You had a right to choose. You chose not to. I had a right to choose. I had been married and then widowed and been on my own for a good few years so i had plenty of time to think about it. I have plenty of life experience. We live in my house. I am totally independent. I changed for the simple reason that i wanted to. He did say he would be more than happy if i preferred to stay with my previous name. I chose not to. I chose to change. Simply because i wanted to.
You do you