ADHD in women

[Sporkle99]

I am convinced I have adhd. So is a close family member who is a GP of 35+ years and my manager who I'm fairly close with, and who used to work in a children with disabilities team (I know, adhd isn't always considered a disability by those who have it, it's more for context to show she's experienced).

Reasons I think I have it:

• I can't focus unless on boring tasks. I'm intelligent but really struggle to get anything done most days. I have to wait until I have a deadline tomorrow then I force myself to finish whatever it was.

• I am disorganised. I cannot keep my house clean. I never know where anything is. I lose my keys every day. I lose everything. I'm a jumbled mess.

• I can't listen. I zone out in meetings. It's painful. I can be talking to someone face to face but just cannot, cannot listen and take in what they are saying.

• I am so, so forgetful. I forget everything. Appointments. Responding to messages. Posting things. I forget everything. I tell myself to write it down when I get home, then forget to even do that.

• I'm shit with money, and ashamed of the fact.

• Im basically a useless mess whose mind is running on a motor but not in the way I want it to.

These are just a few things but I don't know what to do. I cannot afford a private assessment. I don't know if I can deal with the wait for an assessment. I need steering in the right direction, and help in doing so.

Can anyone advise or relate?

I have ADHD and relate to all of your original points when unmedicated.

I went privately for my diagnosis as I’m too impatient to wait 5 years and my life was a mess (I began studying again which pushed me over the edge).

One big factor for diagnosis is that symptoms have been around since childhood e.g. while I wasn’t your typical ADHD child I struggled to stick to anything, lacked in focus, underachieved academically but still did ok but should have done better, dropped out of 6th form, took recreational drugs, got arrested, made stupid decisions all by the age of 18 🥴. If you can talk yo relatives or friends who knew you then that can really help to bolster a diagnosis.

Re. Diagnosis being worth it, it has positively changed my relationship with my husband, my own feelings towards myself and oddly I have been able to let go of so many things from the past that I felt were causing me issues now- I know it wasn’t those things but the ADHD. My undiagnosed ADHD was very much negatively affecting my life hence the diagnosis.

I’ve chosen to take medication and it’s very helpful for me but not without side effects. I don’t think I’ll be in it forever but for now while my life is very hectic it helps me manage.

Yes to all the above, apart from the money, I'm good with that , tbh I find life just overwhelming.

I hope it's all right to ask here
I'm a slightly possible ADHD person - unlikely when I recall childhood but not sure.

people have repeatedly mentioned coping mechanisms on all threads on this, but what are they? Whenever I google I get stuff that could apply to anyone.

i'm currently being treated for a nervous breakdown so no extra meds for me at the mo.

a couple of posters have mentioned being very successful and okay, you forgot your toothbrush - but I look in awe at women like you and think, could I have done that, is it lack of suitability or would ADHD meds have helped?

I have completely failed to live up to the potential I had at school. I know one of the key criteria is that you must have had it as a child, but I don't know if I can say for sure if I did or didn't. And a school, and childhood, is such a different planet to adulthood and paying bills.

confession - I have tried modafinil to help with work and it was great but I had it from someone at work. Just used it a few times and was amazed. I don't think it's prescribed for ADHD but doesn't it work in a similar way?

I struggle with podcasts and videos, but if anyone has a list of/ link to list of what helps them, I'd be interested to read it. I tried a product called Brainzyme, it helped for three days and then made me feel ill.

I’ve had over ten years of therapy trying to fix myself and since my diagnosis I find myself thinking “ahh adhd!” to every conceivable “why do I do this?” question. The relief and self compassion is invaluable.

Titration has been a struggle and unsuccessful so far which is very disappointing but the more I learn about how my brain works and work with it, the more manageable things are.

There are still terrible days. I thought I was doing fine when I was younger but I had no idea how much harder I was pedalling to keep up. I just thought everyone had hundreds of hacks to stay organised, remember things and keep on keeping on.

I have a very tenuous grasp on my diagnosis because the belief that I’m stupid and lazy and broken is so entrenched. And I feel like I’m appropriating something that rightfully belongs to people struggling more. The post by @Willyoujustbequiet hits so hard because I do feel like a fraud. My childhood and school days don’t fit the stereotype. I’m cautious about sharing in case my friends judge me. As much as I’m famously klutzy and scattered, my struggles are largely invisible because I’ve masked and mirrored and hidden the shame, self loathing and suicidal ideation. I’ve lost friends by losing contact during breakdowns. I have health issues brought on by chronic stress. But because I thrived in school, and graduated with a first, the assumption is that I’m a sad perimenopausal woman jumping on a tiktok trend.

@Sporkle99 there’s lots you can do while waiting for a diagnosis. Come over to the neurodivergent threads for a start!

I flunked my a levels. Didn’t go to uni. Managed 2/3 of a degree as an adult by the skin of my teeth.

everything is by the skin of my teeth. I put on a great show but things others find easy are beyond me. My house is a shit tip. I am late for everything. Can never find anything. Have just finished the 200 tins of baked beans because i
panicked about Brexit. We have 4 fridge freezers but rarely anything to eat. I work till midnight several days a week because I can’t get stuff done in the day. Has my first house repossessed.

im very very good at sims things and utterly shit with other things.

@EmmaEmerald try speeding up podcasts and videos and/or chewing gum or doing something mindless or going for a run. It helps concentration if you have distractions running on a couple of modalities.

This threw me completely 😂
I can't multi task. I can listen to familiar music while cleaning but that's about it. I can't walk and listen to a companion talking, no way could I listen to a podcast.

articles are better for me, or bullet pointed lists.

but do the suggestions for self help just end up adding to your to do list?

one reason I haven't investigated this properly is that investigating it is incredibly frustrating. I will see if the library has any books as they are quite pricey and if they end up saying "make lists" or "your brain isn't broken" it's not much help.

Strategy wise, numero uno is lower your expectations for yourself, simplify, hone in on doing less.

Do less but do it well. Hone in on the basics. Stick to an exercise routine. Automate as much as possible in all areas of your life.

Get a weekly calendar and colour in chunks of time for when you do stuff. Set reminders for stuff when you know you will have space to do them.

Try not to rely on hyperfocus as ultimately it is exhausting....to get out of the trap you have to start things ahead of time though.

Misty thanks for replying.

"Strategy wise, numero uno is lower your expectations for yourself,"

this is the one that I struggle with. I've already failed in so many ways. Clearly there are people with ADHD who have made a big success of themselves, I wonder how they did that.

I think lowering expectations in my 30s was a big mistake but I didn't know about ADHD meds back then. Is there any element of "spiky profile" in ADHD? I suspect there might be benefits in meds for those of us who don't quite fit the profile.

I was going to say this... sort of. I was diagnosed aged 41. I chose not to take medication due to my heart.
However i do utilise a lot of adhd workbooks and guidance and im kinder to myself.
Aside from work adjustments there may not be much change after dianosis... no extra benefits or major support.
My advice would be if you feel like this, to get stuck out the rut act as if you have the diagnosis, take the supplements, adapt your diet and learn coping mechanisms. If these improve... fab, you didnt need the stress of diagnosis unless you want medication.

I don't mean lower your expectations for what you can achieve in life, I mean what you can get done short term.

We (everyone but esp ADHD) massively overestimate what we can achieve in day, week, month, year, and underestimate what we can achieve in a lifetime.

Another thing I have found is that if you can push yourself to do the thing you don't want to do, the rewards are massive (I mean dopamine hit). It's like I don't want to the gym or a walk one day, I mean really not feeling it, but I go and it turns out I get loads done, feel way better than I thought I would etc.

I know the doing it hard, it is literally almost physically painful to start if you have ADHD, I know. That's where diet is SO important i.e. plenty of protein and carb. If I can get started on something after a good balanced meal of protein, fat and carb my focus is better.

It's definitely not an overnight improvement, it has taken me 3-6 months of having my nutrition dialled in and an exercise routine to feel like I am moderately coping and of course I have bad days too, it is a lot of effort just to stay afloat.

Support wise, you can get work based coaching from Access to Work for free (or used to be able to) - they came to my house and did an assessment and recommended strategy coaching. They can also recommend adjustments like a dictation software. I think your employer has to fund them but can claim it back.

@EmmaEmerald interesting how different we can be.
ADDitude.com has a great selection of short articles.

Thank you Misty and Nonplus

I have actually left the gym after starting a workout and so has a family member who is having issues. He calls it "noping out" i.e. "I just noped".

so I am now very careful what I start as the likelihood of not finishing it is so high. It's not just the gym where I'll do that.

I need to work on resilience as well.

when I did have a few days of Modafinil the difference was amazing but as it's a narcolepsy drug and I have insomnia, it probably wasn't a long term solution - though I increasingly hear stories of insomniacs sleeping better on it.

I've not read the full thread (cos, ADHD, lol!) but just came in to say if you can't afford a private assessment to look at the right to choose pathway if nobody has mentioned this already.

Your OP is very typical of ADHD, I got diagnosed recently myself and have all of those plus many more!

There are also some good 'adult adhd in women' books on Amazon I've found helpful, if you can get in the headspace to focus on them.

@SoggyBottomsUp it does NOT cost the NHS £3 for methylphenidate. It costs £70 a box.

It was me that said that. That’s what the psychiatrist told me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've left the gym too! It was after not a lot of sleep and I realised it wasn't happening. It's a good thing sometimes to be able to say this is not right for me today.

Idk, sometimes it takes me months to finish something but it gets done eventually...it's just making sure priorities are in the right order, do it in small chunks, try and rely on discipline/habits and if that fails reach out to your community for a motivational pep talk.

I'm diagnosed with ADHD and don't struggle too much with these things.

I'm impulsive, impatient, and struggle to switch off but cleaning a house isn't rocket science. It sounds more like depression to me.

I had tics for a while and never considered it might be the Ritalin. Ultimately, I feel better without it. It made me feel 'wired' in a very similar way to the few times I've had a line of coke. Not really surprising as chemically they're very similar.

Weight training works much better for me. It kills the nervous energy and has given me a great figure. Can deadlift 140kg nowadays and I don't look like Ms Trunchbull lol.

But I do think that there's a bit of a tidal wave of middle aged people who are struggling/dissatisfied with their lives who have latched on to the possibility of this diagnosis as a fix all. When in reality they don't have it, they have neurotypical behaviour exacerbated by stress/other health conditions/particular situations/trauma.

I have close relatives working in mental health services that say the same thing. One member of staff was actually moved on for being too trigger happy with his asd/adhd diagnoses. It was being used as a catch all for mainly low achieving unhappy women that were looking for something to explain it all away. They have since tightened up the criteria for assessment to in a bid to stop so many people clogging up the system for those that actually need it.

No there are different types of adhd.

Inmybirthdaysuit "It was being used as a catch all for mainly low achieving unhappy women that were looking for something to explain it all away."

I'd be really interested to know how they are defining "low achieving". My CV is great and I know how to talk myself up but when I look at what I've done in reality, it is a very low achievement compared to my potential.

I'm 47 so I'm devouring all info out there to see if I can make the changes I need in order to achieve more and boost my income.

Interesting that Ritalin is similar to coke or speed. Are the other ADHD meds broadly the same?

If a neurotypical person were to crush and snort a Ritalin pill they'd be high as fuck!

Some are non stimulant nowadays but I believe often not as effective (although maybe that's changed).