ADHD in women

[Sporkle99]

I am convinced I have adhd. So is a close family member who is a GP of 35+ years and my manager who I'm fairly close with, and who used to work in a children with disabilities team (I know, adhd isn't always considered a disability by those who have it, it's more for context to show she's experienced).

Reasons I think I have it:

• I can't focus unless on boring tasks. I'm intelligent but really struggle to get anything done most days. I have to wait until I have a deadline tomorrow then I force myself to finish whatever it was.

• I am disorganised. I cannot keep my house clean. I never know where anything is. I lose my keys every day. I lose everything. I'm a jumbled mess.

• I can't listen. I zone out in meetings. It's painful. I can be talking to someone face to face but just cannot, cannot listen and take in what they are saying.

• I am so, so forgetful. I forget everything. Appointments. Responding to messages. Posting things. I forget everything. I tell myself to write it down when I get home, then forget to even do that.

• I'm shit with money, and ashamed of the fact.

• Im basically a useless mess whose mind is running on a motor but not in the way I want it to.

These are just a few things but I don't know what to do. I cannot afford a private assessment. I don't know if I can deal with the wait for an assessment. I need steering in the right direction, and help in doing so.

Can anyone advise or relate?

We don't know you so obviously we're guided by your description - but it certainly sounds as if you warrant further assessment.

The only big caution I would give - and I mentioned this further up the thread - is that not everyone is good at diagnosing women. Especially women who have spent a whole lifetime coping, managing and surviving. It's not uncommon for women to be told they don't have ADHD but then later diagnosed with ADHD if they manage to get in front of an ADHD assessor/doctor who specialises in female presentation.

There are some good ADHD groups around OP, included on the dreaded Facebook 😅 Some of them are full of late teens/young 20 somethings with ADHD/autism all complaining about their parents so not every group will strike a chord. But if you can find one with a decent balance of older women too, you might find it invaluable.

And although medication is one very, very good reason to seek a diagnosis, validation, acceptance and knowledge about yourself and the reasons you are the way you are - they're perfectly good reasons to seek out a diagnosis too. Just knowing that you have ADHD can provide a great sense of relief and validation. It's fucking hard feeling that you should be better at life but struggling constantly with the basics that other adults seem to manage effortlessly.

Good luck OP.

I don't disagree with majority of what you've said either. Lots of NT people have lots of ADHD traits. It's inherently 'normal' behaviour, it's the intensity and the impact on someone's life that tips it over into diagnosis.

But I do think that there's a bit of a tidal wave of middle aged people who are struggling/dissatisfied with their lives who have latched on to the possibility of this diagnosis as a fix all. When in reality they don't have it, they have neurotypical behaviour exacerbated by stress/other health conditions/particular situations/trauma.

It's incredibly frustrating as a mum of dc with severe ADHD to see some people claim to have it when their lives aren't really impacted at all. They clearly have no idea of the reality of the condition. It destroys lives.

My time keeping is shocking seeing as you asked. Always last minute and in a rush lol. Don't worry I'm not offended. I know I don't have it as without giving too much away it's clearly inherited from the paternal side in our family and the psych involved was very well respected/renowned in the field. I had no symptoms whatsoever until my 30s and mine is a trauma response/PTSD.. I'm not saying none of these people have it but I feel many pursuing this diagnosis don't. I see it in my own social circle. People who have never struggled in their younger years (by their own admission) and have had successful lives unimpeded by any symptoms now suddenly convincing themselves it fits them because they are burnt out from the last few years with covid/divorce/caring for elderly parents and balancing childcare whilst hitting perimenopause a lot of the time. It's not ADHD.

I've phoned my GP and have asked for me and my son to be booked in for an appointment (he has quite obvious adhd symptoms too, both his nurseries have raised it independently - one by a sendco). I now need to do some research on right to choose before Friday, and get my brain in gear before the appt.

I know GPs are aware that many people who don't have adhd are seeking appointments for adhd so am quite scared I'll be brushed off or they'll think I'm just another person who has read a bit about adhd on the Internet and pigeon holed myself.

My DS has severe ADHD, the reason I say it’s severe is that it really did ruin his school life, and actually our home life as well. He is still a challenge. However the reason I am writing this is to share his experience of medication. He was on ritalin first of all; it made him scared, fearful and paranoid - he was very worried about us being burgled; it also gave him tics. He was then changed onto elvanse. this was better but he became very thin and he suffered big comedowns at the end of each day. These drugs are very powerful, (effectively speed), they are sold on the black market for high prices.
He now blames me for getting him medicated. no longer takes any medication; he was worried about the effect on his heart. He firmly believes that ADHD should not use medication as first line support. I have seen big improvements in him as he has done a much more physical job, also now he has more or less given up alcohol and started eating much better.

I say all this not because ADHD isn’t a problem; but assessment and medication don’t necessarily help- it’s the holistic work that does.

I agree.

I wouldn't medicate my son unless it was the only option I had. I am very sceptical of psychiatry however think it is worth getting him assessed just as he starts school. My brother has ADHD and wishes he had the support available to him at the time.

But medication can be life changing no? So can having access to therapy. I would have access to the full range of treatment options, if found to have ADHD. I might be able to start understanding myself better and pulling my life together. Or I could continue thinking I might have it, doing a bit of reading, trying to implement coping mechanisms and struggling along.

I feel like this line is rolled out a lot to those who think they may have ADHD, which can be debilitating. Would you say the same for OCD, or anxiety?

Yesni can relate and I've been on waiting list for 2 years and have my assessment in an hour and I'm just so nervous I feel sick. I'm just convinced I won't be belived and all the issues I have r just my own lazy fault! My daughter was diagnosed with autism at 2 and that's when I started looking into it and realised how obviously adhd I am! I guess we will see in few hours!

I don't know, i occasionally read people's descriptions of their adult female ADHD symptoms and think "hmm, familiar".

But then i critically step back, and realise, i can be productive, I can be organised, when I want to or something really matters to me.

I get the kids xmas shopping done early. Because i enjoy it.

I'm organised about cooking/meals, holidays, hobbies outside work. I manage to schedule all the children's activities easily.

So I've concluded that really its just that my brain sort of knows I'm not as driven by work/my job as some people, and i subconsciously don't prioritise work. There's undoubtedly a lazy streak there though. Sometimes i read descriptors about neurodiversity and get confused as they seem to seek to explain away/discount the possibility that people are could be plain old lazy or distractible if they struggle to get on and do things they don't enjoy.

I struggle to get on and do things I do enjoy. It’s not just “being lazy”.

Some people with ADHD struggle to do things they do enjoy also. Some struggle to do much at all. Some people do have ADHD, some don't. If Some are being diagnosed easily when they don't have it I think that is on the diagnoser however for those who do believe they have it, its not a case of laziness or regular distractibility. My brother has it and was close to suicide before he started on medication (I have only recently found this out).

There is little doubt I have ADHD, certainly some facet of it but getting an official diagnosis is of no interest to me as I don't see what difference it would make.

I certainly wouldn't want to take ADHD medication for it. I just have to continue to use coping mechanisms which I have done all my life even when I thought I was being 'me'. I know that something I could never do and I have accepted it.

It does help to understand it better, but me being convinced I suffer from some elements of ADHD Vs a psychiatrist giving me a test to make it an official diagnosis names no difference at all.

That's fair enough. I feel that medication would be worth trying for me as my coping mechanisms are more like 'help to scrape through the day' mechanisms.

I can understand that. I managed to get a treatment for ADHD prescribed some years ago because it is also prescribed for hot flushes during menopause. It was absolutely awful and just made me worse.

To be fair, I started antidepressants to help with menopause related anxiety and this seems to help with ADHD. My main issue is hyperactivity. Physically and mentally.

@OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide is that this one?

I'm 99% sure I have ADHD and since reading up & learning about it (although I just can't focus on a book about ADHD 😂). I tick almost all of your boxes OP.

I personally don't need a formal diagnosis at this time. Just knowing there's a reason why I am how I am is a massive relief.

Turns out I'm not useless and scatterbrained and intentionally awkward. I'm just wired in a slightly hectic way.

I have been able to put strategies in place to recognise my own behaviours, deal better & prioritise the things I must do.

I've learned my hyperfocus can be a gift at work, and that sometimes I need to recognise my more erratic behaviours, take some time & reset.

I appreciate others do need that reassurance & adjustments at work etc. but I don't think a £450 diagnosis is essential for all adults, sometimes we can self-help.

Sounds exactly like me, I mentioned it to my GP as my son is ND and he basically made it sound as though a diagnosis is pointless so not sure whether to pursue one. I've had problems with anxiety, low mood, alcohol, organisation, money, all going back years and years.

Everything you (and everyone else has said) sounds exactly like me.
I was diagnosed a year ago in my mid thirties after struggling with work/studying/time-keeping/organization/impulse control/procrastination etc. I was finally diagnosed after I moved abroad and had private health insurance (I had seen GPs/psychiatrists in the UK for anxiety and depression and it hadn’t been picked up, so just because other professionals haven’t noticed doesn’t mean that you don’t have it. It often takes a specialist specifically looking for it to pick it up. In hindsight the stress/anxiety/depression was strongly linked to the challenges and failures I’d had due to ADHD).

I can also be very over sensitive and become very overwhelmed by noise/demands/over-stimulation (parenting babies and toddlers has been a huge challenge).

Some people do present differently. My symptoms are massively around attention deficit issues and I have fewer obvious hyperactivity symptoms (e.g. I’d fiddle with my pen, doodle and daydream at school rather than the classic ‘naughty boy’ shouting out and running about).

I also developed enough coping mechanisms do do reasonably well academically for a long time so no-one really picked it up (I still haven’t told my mum because I know she’ll be dismissive). However I basically had a breakdown in my early twenties when university and work was more intense/required more consistent work (rather than just cramming the night before an exam/deadline).

I can’t take medication (it triggers severe migraines). But having a diagnosis has helped me to understand the condition and have a bit more compassion for myself. There are loads of great resources for developing healthier coping strategies (some mentioned by other people here). If you can’t access diagnosis or medication then it might still be beneficial to try these. I found a lot of them really helpful even without drugs (it also helped me to challenge some of my less helpful/healthy coping mechanisms which had become fairly ingrained).

That’s the one. I have a 7 hour drive today so plowing through them!

Just looking at the synopsis of that book is making me anxious.

My psych said only 70% of whatever improvement is possible can come from medication.

it won’t resolve procrastination or being late or losing things or talking too much or talking over others. It can help with focus, but taking away many of the other conversations going on in your head and reducing the demand for novelty (dopamine).

my daughter says she has to concentrate to concentrate which absolutely drains her batteries at school. For me I have to organise myself to organise myself. It’s exhausting - I have a high powered job where I can literally be in any part of the country at any time, and have a team of 20+ people I’m responsible for. If meds switch off even some of the noise and distractability it will make huge difference to me.

im doing all of the non-meds things I can already - it’s just not enough.

I’m 200 miles from home, away for 2 nights as per most weeks and I have forgotten my toothbrush for the 18th time this year? I forgot to charge mine last night, so put it to charge this morning and then forgot to pack it. <sigh>

I’m pretty sure I have it. I have very poor impulse control, find it impossible to listen without getting very twitchy, interrupting, having to get up and walk around. I’ve walked out of so many things because I can’t sit still for long. Lots of other things too. Just the realisation that I may have it had massively let me off the hook vis a vis giving myself a hard time after every interaction with other people. I don’t know if I will go for a diagnosis at this point.

This is an excellent podcast, start from the beginning!!

I’m up to number 16 and my head is buzzing with opportunities.