To want to leave England

[Peoplepleaser29]

I just want some advice please on how to convince my DH to let us all move from England to Scotland.

I’ve been thinking about it more and more and I’ve been looking at houses and I’m really settled on the idea of moving to Scotland. The lifestyle is cheaper and so are the house prices, both of which would help us both massively as we have debt and with a move we could clear it entirely.

The schools are better and so is the healthcare and hospitals. The area I’ve fallen in love with is higher North than what my other half would be happy with.

I don’t know how else to explain it to him.. I’ve done a pros and cons list which has so many more pros then cons and yet he still just keeps saying no and not really giving me a decent reason other than he doesn’t want too.

I am getting so angry about it and I just feel like I’m going to walk away from him soon 😩 which is not what I want at all.

@Peoplepleaser29 You really need to consider jobs. It’s ok if you’re both fully remote now (though adding that to a remote location is a big risk for loneliness) but what if one of you loses your job? Or you want to change jobs? Are there jobs local to where you want to go? Would you earn anything like what you do now? What if your jobs demand you start coming in? Almost weekly there’s a thread on here from someone who’s work are now asking for 2-3 days in the office.

I don’t know how else to explain it to him.. I’ve done a pros and cons list which has so many more pros then cons and yet he still just keeps saying no and not really giving me a decent reason other than he doesn’t want too.

So you’ve fallen in love with an area you’ve never been to! I can’t think of many pros to living in Caithness to be honest. Your love may wain if you visit in winter.

I can't work out if you have ever been there?
where do you live at the moment - rural or urban?
where do your friends live?
what jobs do you do? if you lost your jobs where would you look for new ones?
I can't believe that the schools are universally better - have you looked at all age groups? ditto healthcare ?
Would you plan on making it permanent? going to a cheaper area is all very well until you want to move back

Do you live in a very rural area now?
If not you might get quite a shock as to what that actualy entails.

You could also be in for a suprise how limited services are going to be compared to England

Schools are definitely not better.

Urgh… It’d be a firm no from me.

Houses are cheaper but don't underestimate distances.

If you have an 80 mile a day commute it soon racks up the miles on the car and the value plummets. It also adds in wear and tear.

Going other places is more expensive. Flights from Aberdeen and Inverness and very expensive compared to say Manchester. So you often have to travel and stay overnight.

I'm not saying don't do it. I did and have been here nearly 20 years but if you are coming north you have to understand the limitations as well as the benefits.

If you like the outdoors and views make your heart lift then it is great. If you like shopping, theatre, etc you'll struggle more. Winter days are very long but then we get lovely long summer days.

You also need to check you are being realistic about house prices. You get the odd 'bargain' but it is because of plot or condition and is advertised at a low offers over to generate interest. It isn't necessarily indicative of the cost of a normal family home.

I would check out broadband speeds . Rural Scotland can be hit or miss.

i rural but nearer the central belt and the broadband speeds are only half decent. It 40 times slower what we had in city.

some place are considerably worst.

You want to move to the arse end of nowhere on a whim? I agree with the person earlier about looking like you're trying to run away from something.

Also, you mention schooling and healthcare as positives, both something that has been in terminal decline in Scotland for a number of years. Also mention about earning decent, well there's additional income tax in Scotland that you don't pay elsewhere in the UK if you're really earning decently.

I was watching a Phil and Kirstie in Scotland - the advertised house price is like a ‘starting bid’ and to actually get the house, offers are often around 20% more than the list price.

I really do sympathise with the feeling of wanting a new start and reducing debt but agree with the majority that Caithness is an enormous change of lifestyle with challenges. I know someone whose family has lived in Caithness forever and they spend most of their time in London as they can’t hack it up there.

It feels quite all or nothing. Are there no other areas he might agree to that would meet some of your needs? We moved from a more expensive area to a cheaper one within England and have found excellent schools (although the healthcare is as wonky as most places unfortunately). Or central belt Scotland, which has very affordable areas compared to parts of England?

Essential to understand the Scottish system

You know England is a big place ?
There are rural areas in England too .

They are not all better but they are good

She said she wants to leave England and move to Scotland, not leave the UK and move to Scotland.

I also dream of moving to Scotland. I'm in Essex and the south east corner of the UK is now so crowded I could scream. It's really impacted the quality of life. You just can't move. I hardly bother to go out at the weekends as the traffic is so awful. In fact, the last time we had a sunny bank holiday I stayed in doors rather than go to the park or the beach because I couldn't face the crowds. And what's left of the countryside is disappearing under a sea of red brick new builds. They jam these rabbit hutches onto every bit of scrap land. Horrible.

I also dread global warming. That 40 degree heatwave last summer freaked me out. I remember getting stuck in traffic, with the sweat pouring down my back, arriving home and sobbing at the kitchen table. It was like a vision of the future – boiling hot and unbearably crowded. I like Edinburgh, and love the Highlands. I also love the borders, especially the Northumberland national park, Kelso, etc.

@JaneyGee helps to read the thread! You can use “see all” and get all OP posts. She said “There is nothing really keeping us in the UK” and then even said herself that she’d said UK instead of England not from a silly slip, but because she couldn’t be arsed to type all 7 letters of England.

OP have you posted about this before? I seem to remember a thread where the OP was desperate to move to Scotland despite not really knowing the country at all.

There was a poster with a dream of moving to Skye?

OP have you posted about this before? I seem to remember a thread where the OP was desperate to move to Scotland despite not really knowing the country at all.

It seems to be a bit of a common theme.

If your children haven't started school yet then you are both presumably likely to be between 25-45?
There is
a) no guarantee that you will both retain your jobs and never be subject to redundancy/moving on for promotion or other job related life events. What is the local job market be like if one of you has to be at least partially office based?
B) that your marriage will last - what then?
C) Two fully remote jobs ? What is your social network like outside the home now with friends? It sounds as though you'd be entirely reliant on each other for company.

I would look at less remote options and see if that flies

He’s allowed not to want to move. I love Scotland and would love to live there one day but not yet. Reasons for me are work (mostly remote but like going into the office), good established hobbies with friends who I’d miss, not wanting the kids to live miles away when they go to uni/ start work, weather, long winters and ease of travel abroad (most people I know who live in Scotland end up doing an extra flight most times they go on holiday). I also think for me moving somewhere so remote might make me feel like I’m semi-retired for some reason.

I agree that Schools/ education system in Scotland are mostly better but there are good areas for schools in England if you live somewhere in good catchments (not sure where you are now). Not sure about hospitals. Cost of living- I think I would spend a lot more on petrol/ diesel and heating than I do now, especially if in a remote area. And if you needed to rely on a small local shop for a lot of your food that would be expensive.

I think you need to accept that if he doesn’t want to move that is in itself a legitimate reason for him not to go. That said I do think he should take some steps to get to know the place, like holidays etc, if it really is so important to you. You should also be prepared to compromise on a slightly different area (borders? Northumberland?) and also drop the “England is all shit” narrative as that just makes you sound illogical (some bits are, some bits aren’t).

Interesting that you phrase it it in the negative - leaving England - as opposed to the positive - moving somewhere new

Ah, that was it. Thanks.

Moving will not solve your problems. Living rurally is also not to be chosen lightly unless you have experienced it. It is also not good when you kids get older.

Maybe the question should be not how to persuade your DH to move to the far north of Scotland but how much do want your marriage to survive.