To want to leave England

[Peoplepleaser29]

I just want some advice please on how to convince my DH to let us all move from England to Scotland.

I’ve been thinking about it more and more and I’ve been looking at houses and I’m really settled on the idea of moving to Scotland. The lifestyle is cheaper and so are the house prices, both of which would help us both massively as we have debt and with a move we could clear it entirely.

The schools are better and so is the healthcare and hospitals. The area I’ve fallen in love with is higher North than what my other half would be happy with.

I don’t know how else to explain it to him.. I’ve done a pros and cons list which has so many more pros then cons and yet he still just keeps saying no and not really giving me a decent reason other than he doesn’t want too.

I am getting so angry about it and I just feel like I’m going to walk away from him soon 😩 which is not what I want at all.

@BarqsHasBite I was just coming on to link that one. Lovely garden but I’d be frightened it would drop off the cliff with erosion!

I live in scotland. There is a reason it is cheaper. I think england is better

I came on this thread expecting to read about hot countries

This. You have some kind of bizarre pipe dream / crisis going on, and it’s unfair to uproot your whole family for it.

Well we didn't move to the Highlands, plus we have visited where we now live numerous times and one of us has lived there longer than they lived in England altogether. But yes, hilarious. OP will definitely love the Highlands, especially if she's moving from a city with no experience of rural living and has never set foot in Scotland prior to the move. Is that better?
It really isn't hard to tell how different the situations are.

His reason not to is the location!
And it's a bloody good reason.
You need to give this up, not least because as has been said upthread, you wont be able to do this against his will. I can't see any judge giving you custody of your children and allowing you to move them so far away from their father. How would their relationship be maintained? And that's a key consideration.

I really don't think you've thought enough about how quickly children grow up and want to go out, see friends etc. When they are tiny it feels like forever away but it truly does come around quickly.

Hang on....you say there's nothing keeping you in the UK, but you want to move to Scotland?!

Scotland IS in the UK!

You don't come across as being well informed about what life is like in Scotland. You WILL find Caithness an absolute shock, let me tell you! 🤷‍♂️

I live in the Highlands and let me tell you, I wouldn’t even contemplate a move to Caithness, it is literally the arse end of nowhere. Also, please be aware winter her is absolutely nothing like winter in England. There are lots of things to consider but I think people hugely underestimate the weather, it’s cold, it gets dark very early in winter, it’ll be dark by 3pm ish in the depths of winter!

We (myself-a single mum, my 14yo son and my retired mother) did this exact thing 6 weeks ago from central London to Elgin (ish). My son's school is a massive improvement and the system is far more flexible, providing a number of points at which child can fulfil academic potential rather than a hugely stressful GCSE/exam period. Sporting and outdoor activities are boundless. Short drive to amazing beaches and the weather has been amazing. 1 hour drive to ski resorts in winter. Extremely friendly people. CHEAP property with a sensible selling/buying system. My Mum slashed her arm open, she was in and out of A&E in 20 mins. University funding!
So far the negatives are, putting more mileage on my car than I'm used to (but not necessarily spending longer driving as less traffic). Tradesmen, very difficult to arrange, they are all slammed with work.
I wish we'd done it a couple of years ago when my son first started to ask to leave London. He is so much happier without the constant need to be 'street' and now he's doing so much more with his time than just playing computer games (because if he's online gaming he's not outside in danger of being mugged/beaten etc).

I understand the dream to move to such a place. I'd love to. Harsh environments don't bother me, being isolated doesn't bother me. I'd never do it though because the dream also assumes everything in life will run smoothly and I'll get to live out there with minimal inconvenience, physically mostly healthy. In an emergency in the night, you've got a long way to go to get help. In winter, you'll sometimes not even be able to go and get help.

Your children are young. At an older age I discovered I had a medically complex child. Being in that kind of location would be very challenging and I'd be driving to the closest major centre, or specialist centre, a lot. If you're lucky you won't have any major challenges like that, and you'll age slowly and well yourself, but this kind of location can become a burden. I'd never say don't do it for that reason but if you live in a cheaper area and it becomes inconvenient, it is still a cheaper area and there's no guarantee that you will be able to afford to by closer to a major centre. Those prices will always be higher for obvious reasons.

Maybe it's a place you can visit from time to time?

Have you even visited this area or is it all decided from the internet?

The alcohol isn't cheaper, everytime I'm in England I bring back cheaper booze!

Ultimately though it doesn't matter if it would be better or not. Her husband doesn't want to go snd that's fair enough.

Moving far north in Scotland will be like moving to mars. You'll be expecting him to leave his family, friends. Social life, work and he'll be completely dependant on you for everything emotionally. It will only work if it's a dream he has too.

I would suggest forgetting about this particular house. Organise a visit to Caithness and think seriously about travel (and the costs of it). Is your husband against moving at all/moving to Scotland/moving so far north? He may simply be settled where you are. You both work from home but will that always be so, there will be fewer opportunities to change jobs in a remote area.

However, I did once move further north than that. We had no children and felt if it didn't work out we could always move back. Our move was tied to my husband's work. I don't regret living there although we moved south again many years ago and I wouldn't go back to live there now because it would be too far from family

So marriage is supposed to be give and take, compromising, doing what you can to make the other one happy. That’s my opinion anyway. Why can’t he consider it seriously, at the very least? It’s like he’s not even going to think about anything that’s not his idea. Is he like this with other things?

My opinion is going to be strong and probably contrary to most others, as I’m looking at leaving my country in favor of a better life. Except I’m single so no one can tell me not to go. I can’t imagine someone telling me no. I can’t imagine not considering a partner’s feelings either. I have 4 kids and I’ve included them in every step of my decision making, as their wants and needs matter too.

What if you went there to visit and see how it feels? Or make a pact so if it doesn’t work out after a set period of time, you can move back. You could rent a place for a year instead of buying.

This is so bullyish and not helpful. This entire thread is not helpful. SO many assumptions and insults. No reason to try to make someone feel stupid when they are literally asking for advice. She opened up about her dream and everyone shits on her. wtf.

Well said. I have been reading this thread in utter amazement at the replies. Does no-one on MN have dreams, or is it that none of your dreams have come true and you are so bitter about it that you feel forced to shit on someone else's?

What the OP is proposing might not work - but then again it might, and surely her DH could be open to thinking about it rather than just saying no.

I live in a country where people move away from their families all the time, including to the other side of the world, and yet someone considering moving a short distance away is making a huge mistake and it won't work according to many posters here. Thank goodness my great-grandparents had a bit more gumption and left the UK in the 19th century to follow their dreams.

Maybe he has thought about it? Such a radical change requires two 'yes' votes. Or a decision that you're not longer compatible if you feel strongly enough about it. We've moved countries, but we were both in agreement. If one of us said no, it would have been no.

My ex used to suggest odd things like this, the more isolated the property the better in his eyes.

Turns out he was looking to run away because of how much he had screwed up our life but I wasn't yet aware of it.

Sounds to me like you're looking at running away too, why? What is it you're running away from?

I just wanted to add- A few years ago I bought some land in a rural area having never even been there, and set up a homestead. It ended up being a wonderful retreat during the pandemic. I even had room to house a few other women who had lost their jobs & housing due to Covid. It was set in the mountains with amazing views, and the only other beings we saw each day were cows free-grazing. The weather was extreme- high altitude with thin air, so the sun would fry our skin within minutes. The winds came in Spring & Autumn, up to 80mph (128kph). I could my go outside sometimes as the wind would literally pick me up into the air and blow me away. It was exhilarating and so different from where I grew up. I’m so glad I had that experience, and I’d totally do it again. I had plenty of “What have I done” moments, but now I look back and laugh. I have interesting stories to tell if conversation ever lags. I only sold that property because I bought a bus to build into a tiny home to travel the US in. Next, we’re going to escape the gun violence for a nicer country, maybe visit my ancestor’s lands like Northern Italy or UK. Or Japan just because! We come from a small town and everyone there is very small-minded. No one ever leaves. They sound like all the people commenting on this thread. My kids are really happy we got out, and I love that they have more opportunities in life, and I want them to experience the cultures our ancestors came from. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something different, for any reason. And there’s nothing wrong with asking your partner to compromise for you. You might have a tough decision ahead, but you’re not being unreasonable by any means.

There's nothing wrong with being tired of the rat race and deciding to live radically differently. I haven't said don't do it but hope I've given OP a little bit to consider in terms of practicalities of being so isolated though.

It's true that wherever you go, there you are. So OP does need to think about what it is that is bugging her so much and if the move will really resolve it, or just bring the issue to a different place.

The grass is not greener. Having wirked I'm the NHS and seen how bad it is for some people to have access to emergency care is scary.

Me and hubby thought about Scotland as we don't do loans/debt for religious reasons and University is free so our children can no to uni debt free. We also had family livong near Edinburgh and visited often and it was a lovely place people were so friendly and we never had a bad experience and they never had a bad experience.
Said family have now moved / passed away and so the incentive has lowered a bit. We are on the same page and will move forward together jointly agreeing.

I would never and OH would never force a move on the other and make said person upset. That is too much of an ask. If your relationship is great I wouldn't risk destroying it over this.