To want to leave England

[Peoplepleaser29]

I just want some advice please on how to convince my DH to let us all move from England to Scotland.

I’ve been thinking about it more and more and I’ve been looking at houses and I’m really settled on the idea of moving to Scotland. The lifestyle is cheaper and so are the house prices, both of which would help us both massively as we have debt and with a move we could clear it entirely.

The schools are better and so is the healthcare and hospitals. The area I’ve fallen in love with is higher North than what my other half would be happy with.

I don’t know how else to explain it to him.. I’ve done a pros and cons list which has so many more pros then cons and yet he still just keeps saying no and not really giving me a decent reason other than he doesn’t want too.

I am getting so angry about it and I just feel like I’m going to walk away from him soon 😩 which is not what I want at all.

Scotland isn’t better than England. Anyone who earns a ‘good’ wage is hammered with tax - and the SNP have plans to rise it much further still. Scotland gets far far more money than England to spend on public services and yet the country is in a truly dire state. Basics like library’s and swimming pools closing all over the place as councils have no money. Schools are banned from excluding kids so violence and disorder is rife, and the educational standards in Scotland are in free fall. 3 years + wait for CAMHS appointments here where I live. And if you’re remotely middle class the chance of getting in to some courses at some unis are zero - due to the ‘free uni’ policy.

I live in Scotland for the beautiful countryside, but as above, don’t go thinking Scotland is in better shape than England, because it is just as shit - if not worse.

Why are you accusing OP of something just because your ex did 😂 Get a grip. Go to therapy. Stop projecting your issues.

OP I feel you.

I’m an adventurous type of person, one who envisions herself living in many different countries regardless of wether I know anyone there or not.

if my husband gave me a flat no in response to wanting to live somewhere else for a while, that would be a major turnoff…not sure we would be able to come back from that, specially if he couldn’t compromise because of fear.

before I got married to my husband, I distinctly remember asking him two Qs:

would he ever consider spending time on a sail boat and, what countries would he be keen to live in, aside from his home country?

we decided that it was important to be with one another and pursue our dreams and that meant that we would alternate where we lived. We’ve just completed a 7 yr stint in the US (his home) and making preparations to return to my country for a few years. From
there, we have other destinations we’d like to call home as well. It’s a compromise.

Now I have this in my head:

A very accurate and realistic assessment of Scotland. Direction of travel is worse. The countryside is pretty world beating but more than offset by the awful weather. OP you need to take your rose tinted specs off

Northern Scotland can be very hard in Winter. Aside from the cold, the days are short and it can quite depressing. It's glorious in Summer but I don't think it's worth it for Winter.

I’m from Caithness. Left years ago, moved back with my kids, made it two years and left again. I’d not go back to live again. My kids were bullied in school because of their accents, complained to the school, school talked to the pupils who had bullied them, they said it didn’t happen so it carried on. Landlady was a complete bitch who wouldn’t fix anything, left me for 6 weeks over Christmas with no oven, and didn’t return my deposit. The town is so quiet you could walk about and hardly see anyone. We went to Inverness every chance we got. Going home left a bad taste…

You obviously agreed on this before you got married, so you both knew what the deal was. Do you have children? We haven't stayed in one place but the needs of our child mean we now have to.

Ithink it’s the Lib Dem MP for the shetlands who is campaigning for reduced energy tariffs for those in the far north / islands due to the ferocious weather experienced during the winter and the resulting heating bills. I can’t see it happening but think he has a good point.

I've lived all over the UK and a couple of other countries in Europe... dont underestimate how much of life is the same wherever you are. You still need to get the kids to school on time, mop the kitchen floor, find meals everyone likes, do your tax return etc.

But... you don't seem to like where you live. Work out why, then contemplate a less dramatic move to try and find the thing you are missing.

I would also be wary on jobs... you current job is remote... but do you both want to do that job forever? Will the next step mean some office time for example?

I don’t get the people saying the DH has to consider it …. Why does it?? OP can’t just unilaterally decide to uproot their lives based on a random notion and right move search. She hasn’t even been there!
Breaking up isn’t the answer to this problem either, she can’t just divorce and take the kids wherever she wants.

Now getting this ad whilst reading..

They sound like all the people commenting on this thread

Hardly. I've lived on three continents and travelled all over Europe in a campervan.
Unlike you though (and the OP it would seem) I know very well what Scotland and Caithness are like. She's wanting to move to one of the remotest parts of Britain, she knows nothing about it and her DH is adamant he doesn't want to go. That's not a dream, it's a fantasy.

Have you stayed there in December? What schools are you planning for your kids?

Taxes are higher here and the health service and schools are much poorer than they used to be

OP it’s a brave thing to do, uproot your life like this. And good for you for not being passive about your current situation.

But the fact you want to move so far away and somewhere so remote makes me think that this is about ‘escaping’ and partly an emotional decision.

Work out exactly what you dislike about your life and whether you have to go that far away to achieve it.

Working remotely and living somewhere remote could be a damn lonely existence for you all.

And whilst I think the free prescriptions and university are fab, your kids are little and so much can change with governments.

Remote life can also mean it’s more challenging to access education or healthcare. What if your kids have special needs etc.

You don’t want things to go wrong and for your husband to blame you.

Sit down together with a positive attitude and work out what you both want from life. It can’t be Caithness or nothing.

Are you saying that you have never been to Caithness before?

‘I’d follow him anywhere no questions asked’

This makes me worry about your ability to make logical decisions and appraise info properly. Who follows their partner blindly without asking questions? Your husband is right to question this massive move OP. He is being responsible.

The short hours of daylight in winter would rule it out for me, too.

I find the short days hard enough already, and I'm only a few miles from the south coast.

Last year I wanted to leave London and go somewhere where I could buy a house. I was considering Scotland as I like the place (beautiful) and the people (friendly).

I the end I stayed in the South East but moved to a small town by the sea but still within reasonable distance to the capital.

I was concerned about the radical change, whether I would find job opportunities, the weather and losing all my contacts/support network.

So my point is there might be a compromise that you can make (North of England?): you can still move somewhere new and cheaper without leaving everything behind/losing all your contacts.

It needs to be a joint decision between both partners and work for the two of you. You can't just force him to move somewhere really remote and expect him just to put up with it.

As for health care I don't know if things have changed but when I lived there if you had any serious health issues then that meant having to go to Inverness.

Still does. Possibly even more so. For routine ailments you’d probably be OK. Anything serious, it’s Inverness.

On what basis are the schools better?

I'm amazed that you're 'getting so angry' with him for not supporting a proposed plan that has SO many unknowns in it!

That suggests you're getting really carried away with the idea and refusing to examine it from all sides with a critical eye.

At least you're getting some good info on this thread, so hopefully you can approach the goal behind this (which is not a bad goal) from a more rounded position and be able to consider solutions that would be mutually acceptable.

To think about leaving him because of this though. That's a bit rich for a half baked plan.