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Original poster

To want to leave England

171 replies

Peoplepleaser29 · 03/09/2023 21:56

I just want some advice please on how to convince my DH to let us all move from England to Scotland.

I’ve been thinking about it more and more and I’ve been looking at houses and I’m really settled on the idea of moving to Scotland. The lifestyle is cheaper and so are the house prices, both of which would help us both massively as we have debt and with a move we could clear it entirely.

The schools are better and so is the healthcare and hospitals. The area I’ve fallen in love with is higher North than what my other half would be happy with.

I don’t know how else to explain it to him.. I’ve done a pros and cons list which has so many more pros then cons and yet he still just keeps saying no and not really giving me a decent reason other than he doesn’t want too.

I am getting so angry about it and I just feel like I’m going to walk away from him soon 😩 which is not what I want at all.

OP posts:
Dabralor · 03/09/2023 22:48

Peoplepleaser29 · 03/09/2023 22:14

Caithness kind of areas

Christ that's practically Norway. Gorgeous place but not somewhere to move to unless you're both absolutely on the same page.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/09/2023 22:49

What has made you choose Caithness? House prices?

HeddaGarbled · 03/09/2023 22:51

It is specifically England that I wish to leave as it is awful

Really? All of it?

fast paced dredge life style that is England

Really? All of it?

I think you’ve got a bee in your bonnet and are not being rational.

There’ll be a compromise when you let that bee fly free.

GarlicGrace · 03/09/2023 22:51

The fast paced dredge life style that is England.

Dredge? Drudge? Whatever, this is hilarious from where I'm sitting. I'm sitting in a moribund English market town that could not be called fast-paced by an elderly tortoise with advanced arthritis. Few people face dredge/drudge here, as there is hardly any work.

You're obviously not stupid enough to think Caithness is the nearest or slowest-paced location available, so you're lying about why you want to move there. Could you be a bit more accurate, please?

feellikeanalien · 03/09/2023 22:52

Seriously OP you need to go there in autumn/winter. I lived in Caithness as a child and I remember my Dad driving in winter with snow chains and a shovel in his boot. There aren't many trees and the wind can be brutal.

It is beautiful but can be quite bleak. I remember it sometimes not being properly light in winter until after 9 and then on particularly grim winter days the light going at about 3.

Don't get me wrong I loved it as a child and there was a lot of freedom but we moved before I started high school and I think as a teenager it could be quite limiting.

As for health care I don't know if things have changed but when I lived there if you had any serious health issues then that meant having to go to Inverness.

If you are thinking of moving without having been there then I think you will be in for a major shock.

Alwaysdecorating · 03/09/2023 22:53

Where do you live that is so fast paced?

You will still have kids, the same jobs, same hobbies and so on?

What exactly is going to change by you being up there?

Dabralor · 03/09/2023 22:53

Ok put it this way - imagine being sat in your big house in Caithness in january. It's dark most of the day, you've realised you pay more tax than you used to do in England, it's blowing a hoolie outside so your kids are climbing the walls and your husband hates it and is moping about depressed.

You can save yourself from this!! Move to Ayrshire or something while you still have the chance! Dumfries and Galloway is breezy and remote and much nearer other places.

bongopow · 03/09/2023 22:56

I have asked him to at least let us holiday there so we can see the area and get a feel for it.

So just to confirm, you have never been to this area?

I am very much aware that Scotland is still in the UK apologises that I don’t want to have to write England every time. It is specifically England that I wish to leave as it is awful.

What are you basing your idea that Scotland is (practically, in 2023) better on? What specific areas of life? Does your DH value those things equally? Are you aware of what you will be giving up? What are the sacrifices involved? Do they affect both of you equally?

I have more of connection to Scotland as I am part Scottish part English and I have had Holidays in Scotland. I don’t feel this way for Wales or Ireland for instance and I am so sick of the fast paced dredge life style that is England.

Ok so you feel this way because you have a Scottish connection. Your DH doesn't so doesn't feel this way. He feels the same way you do about Wales or Ireland.

I have a large family but they are all off doing their own thing

Off where? Do they currently live nearby? Presumably you would see less of them if you moved and so would your children?

And my other half has a very small family.

What does size have to do with anything? Do they live nearby currently? Will you see them less?

I do have family that I do not speak to which funnily enough is not a factor for wanting to go but at least I would know in my head that they were not just around the corner as it were. They do live close but not literally round the corner before someone accuses me of running away from them.

How often are you running into them that this is even a consideration? If you don't speak to them why would this make a difference?

I would follow him anywhere

Except England.

Your post reads like you're trying to convince him to try out a different takeaway. "They have the fried rice that I know you like and the garlic bread is cheaper! Now it's a bit further away but..."

You are asking him to move to Scotland. It sounds like you think it's a really small, casual ask. You can't just decide that because there's a place for him to do his hobby he should just go along with uprooting your lives, no matter how much you are in love with the idea of it.

It sounds like you've decided that this is what you should do because of your reasons and that him not wanting to is a minor inconvenience that you need to find a way around. You even talked about him "doing you the courtesy" as if it's nothing at all!

But it's ok that he's moving far away from his family because he has a small family? It's ok that your children are being uprooted to be raised somewhere that you don't even go on holidays to because they're not at school yet? Maybe he simply doesn't want to raise his children in rural north Scotland away from everyone you know?

GarlicGrace · 03/09/2023 22:57

You can buy remote homesteads in Canada for a few grand. If you're happy to live in the middle of nowhere with brutal winters and inspiring countryside, so long as you're debt-free, why not do that instead?

Elmerchecks · 03/09/2023 22:59

HeddaGarbled · 03/09/2023 22:51

It is specifically England that I wish to leave as it is awful

Really? All of it?

fast paced dredge life style that is England

Really? All of it?

I think you’ve got a bee in your bonnet and are not being rational.

There’ll be a compromise when you let that bee fly free.

Telling people they are 'not being rational' makes my teeth itch (to use a phrase heard on MN)

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 03/09/2023 22:59

Peoplepleaser29 · 03/09/2023 21:56

I just want some advice please on how to convince my DH to let us all move from England to Scotland.

I’ve been thinking about it more and more and I’ve been looking at houses and I’m really settled on the idea of moving to Scotland. The lifestyle is cheaper and so are the house prices, both of which would help us both massively as we have debt and with a move we could clear it entirely.

The schools are better and so is the healthcare and hospitals. The area I’ve fallen in love with is higher North than what my other half would be happy with.

I don’t know how else to explain it to him.. I’ve done a pros and cons list which has so many more pros then cons and yet he still just keeps saying no and not really giving me a decent reason other than he doesn’t want too.

I am getting so angry about it and I just feel like I’m going to walk away from him soon 😩 which is not what I want at all.

I live in Scotland, I'm not recognising this place you're describing.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 03/09/2023 23:01

Also it isn't worth ending a marriage over IMO.

TenOhSeven · 03/09/2023 23:05

I would genuinely love to know how many MNers who start a thread about wanting to move to Scotland actually end up coming to live here.

Minfilia · 03/09/2023 23:05

Yeah, if my DH randomly demanded that I move to Scotland I would a) refuse or b) divorce him.

Bizarre that you expect him to just comply tbh.

Paul2023 · 03/09/2023 23:06

Presumably ending the OPs marriage wouldn’t allow her to move anyway?! Because she’s have to sell her shakier and be a single parent?!

Its bizarre the OP has a fixation moving to a part of Scotland she isn’t familiar with and expects her husband to just go along with it.!

I’d love to move to Scotland and get a cheaper house but it would be unreasonable for me to force DW to move to somewhere she has no desire to go to ! Is there another reason the OP is desperate to go there ?

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 03/09/2023 23:07

LaviniasBigBloomers · 03/09/2023 22:25

In winter.

Show quote history

Mid January when no one has any money, it's cold, dark, wet and all a bit shit.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 03/09/2023 23:07

@bongopow has it . Well done. 👏

Underminer · 03/09/2023 23:09

Ever since I was young (and used to watch Round the Twist and Fraggle Rock), I have always wanted to live in a light house. Sea views, the unusual building, ah the dream…..until you factor in all those sodding stairs, seagulls making noise all the time, gale force winds etc.
Sometimes a dream has to stay a dream for it to be workable in your imagination.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 03/09/2023 23:23

Oh god @TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening, it'll be here before we know it. I'm not ready for it after such a shit summer.

alwaysmovingforwards · 03/09/2023 23:31

Got to be a joke thread

Redavocadoes · 03/09/2023 23:32

Don't forget that if you sell up and buy in ....Caithness or anywhere cheaper, it will be very hard to ever return as you'll be priced back out.

bongopow · 03/09/2023 23:35

After reading again - You say he's not giving you a decent reason. Him not wanting to is a very good reason.

You wrote a pros and cons list with a lot more pros than cons. But that's your list and those pros aren't necessarily pros for him. I've just written a pros and cons list of me becoming the queen. There's a lot more pros than cons so I really don't understand why the royal family would not accept it.

It sounds like you do currently live near your family and his. At least close enough that your move would put you much further away, you'd see them a lot less and your children would have a much more distant relationship.

While you might not count your own family a reason to stay, if someone kept saying we have "nothing keeping us here" and insisting my family don't matter because they're small I would be very offended.

I initially missed the bit where you were even maybe thinking about leaving over this. You can divorce if you want but I imagine he will fight to ensure you are not allowed to move the children away. You don't often find the courts allowing one parent to move the children far away from the other, especially if it's uprooting them from extended family and even more so if you don't already have a strong connection or really good reason for going that would be exceptionally beneficial for the children. "I don't like the 'UK' Hmm" isn't going to do it.

I think, realistically, if you're ever going to move there it's going to be alone once the children have grown up.

Malarandras · 03/09/2023 23:41

Have you ever even been to Scotland, it sure doesn’t sound like you have! This mythical land you are describing it nothing like the place I live. Scotland has the same problems as England, same problems anywhere has. It sounds like you are unhappy with your life. Shifting your life to Scotland won’t fix that. You will just be unhappy in Scotland.

anonymousamy · 03/09/2023 23:43

Legale · 03/09/2023 22:18

Have you ever even visited the place to which you want to move? You're in for a huge shock if you're planning on moving to the Highlands having never even holidayed there. A huge, huge shock. Especially if you haven't lived rurally before.

We very recently did exactly this - moved from England to Scotland. One of us is Scottish and one is English, so had a very good idea of life in both countries and a good support network nearby. We both agree life is much, much better in Scotland and that it was definitely the right move, but we knew the area and it wasn't done on a whim and online research.

These sorts of posts make me lol. “It’s such a shock. We recently did the exact same move and adore it, but you absolutely won’t”😂

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