Unspoken grief childless men

[Needanewnamebeingwatched]

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/aug/28/unspoken-grief-childless-men

What are you thoughts on this report from a man who never had children and regrets it bitterly

I do feel empathy for him, if he is in pain. but, is it not a bit stupid? even if you think 'men have all the time in the world', surely you realise that women your age DONT, and that you are unlikely to remain attractive to younger women.

and, he doesn't need to be 'all alone', he could have a girlfriend

interesting also that his emotion is 'anger'

this is horrific

I have seen men who thought they had loads of time to meet someone and have kids.

I know one man who told his friends he wanted a family in his early 40's. He then got involved with a woman in her late 30's and she already had a teenaged child. This lady had several red flags and he chose to ignore them. At the time all of his friends were either in relationships, married and or had kids. The friends could see him the odd night during the week but not so much at weekends.

So he got involved with her. Within 18 months she was pregnant, living in his house and no longer renting. His child was born when he was 46. He is now in his early 50's. My friend heard a few things about him recently. He loves the child but has found fatherhood harder than he thought. He has several other issues going on at the moment. My friend is glad that she is not with him now.

I think that men need to realise that if they want a long term relationship/marriage and children they need to be serious about this. Yes you can have a child well into middle age but unless your wealthy no 20/25 wants to be with a man 20 years plus older than her.
Along with this older father's have a higher chance of having a disabled or austic child.

@Lodhm can you link to that thread please?

The thing is, everyone is expected to show sympathy when a man doesn’t get what he wanted out of life. Even if that was because of his own choices.

Yet, women rarely receive sympathy or compassion from men in the same boat. If a woman reaches 40 and doesn’t have kids but wanted them, she’s often accused by men of prioritising her career.

if she’s also single, she obviously passed up the thousands of nice guys flocking to her feet in her 20s in favour of chasing the bad boy.

In manosphere spaces, which are increasingly popular nowadays, the message is that women have to be accountable for their decisions. Well, I say to that, so do men.

I’m not going to feel sympathy for a man who waited until his early 40s to think about having kids and fully expected to pick up a hot, young fertile woman to do it with when he’s older and probably not all that appealing. And when that doesn’t play out like society has told him it will- he wants to be angry 😡 and bemoan being old and alone.

that entire thing where he’s moaning about being old and alone speaks volumes. Kids, for him, represent someone serving a purpose to him. Not him serving a purpose to them.

Whereas, I imagine, for a lot of women, its the opposite. As a whole, men don’t truly want to be primary caregivers. That’s why so few seek full custody in the courts. They want kids because they know their lives will stay relatively untouched by it as their partner will take the burden of care.

So, no, I really do limit my sympathy here.

I feel sorry for him, just as I do for women who hope it will happen and then find out it might be too late.

It's so easy to focus on careers, travelling, lifestyles etc in your 20s and 30s, and then realise partnership and fertility isn't a guarantee.

I'm lucky to have kids (they're adults now) and they are by far the favourite part of my life.

But growing up (and as you know it takes men many years to grow up) it had never crossed my mind to have children. Neither had any of my friends ever mentioned having children. It just wasn't on our radar.

I wasn't a player and this was in a very different time socially. Although I hadn't thought about having children, I did want a partner to love and be loved by. We married in our late 20s. Luckily my wife wanted children so we had them. And thank heavens we did.

It all sounds so incredibly naive. It would have helped me growing up to have been told by men how rewarding being a father is and, for those men who have children, that you can't be a good man without being a good, responsible, loving father. Boys love to prove their manhood.
In my rather old-fashioned school, you became a man by being a soldier not a father. We were repeatedly told that a good soldier looks after his men, but no one ever mentioned that a good father looks after his children.

I think it's good that it's being raised as a topic of discussion.

I think many people have sympathy with childless women who wanted to have children but don't really think of it being like that for some men.

Perfectly put.

Don't follow the logic..that men should hate women because some women don't feel sorry for men. Should I have all old people because one shouted at me once?

Newnanehiwhodis that's unbelievablely harsh it will never happen for one off my sons and he will be eternally heartbroken .so his feelings shouldn't matter because he is a man

Almost perfectly out except I would change centuries to millennia.

I think there is a difference between men who met anyone to settle down with/infertile partner, to someone who actively avoided settling down in their 20s/30s and then just changes their mind.
It can’t be that much of a shock when your friends/contemporaries have had children. I’m sure they realised it’s a sacrifice and they just didn’t want to do it.

Only insofar as my depth of sympathy

but anyone who played the fields in 20s and 30s and then is desperate to meet someone and start a family in their forties - is NOT someone I’m going to think deserves fuck all sympathy

You develop and mature, priorities shift, circumstances change.

but nope - for some posters, no further detail beyond MALE is required to have zero sympathy for

It was not until he was in his early 40s that Nurden started to get broody. But by that point, he discovered, women of a similar age had already had children, if they were able or wanted to
“I went into this 15-year period of not going into relationships or ending relationships quickly because I knew that person wasn’t going to want or be able to have a child with me – or that the relationship wasn’t going to be strong enough to last if we did have a child,”

Absolutely smacks of male entitlement. Complacent until his 40s, then thought 'I want a baby', and up to the age of at least 55 dumped a load of women because he assumed they couldn't give him what he wanted.

Do you also think that about women that decide to have children in their forties despite previously not wanting to or thinking about it

I don't think this happens much at all because we are well aware that there is a time limit. And we don't need to find men half our age to impregnate us, if it does happen. we can see have she appropriate relationships

@MentholLoad What about women who couldn't find a man to "impregnate" her

I mean, that doesn't happen either, does it. women might not be able to find a satisfactory life partner, but we can always find men to have sex with

You are aware of the trend for women to have babies much later in life?

Not every woman is able to find sex on demand.

@MentholLoad

You only have to look at some other threads to know that's not true.

And I'm one of them who would have loved more children but couldn't find anyone remotely interested

How many men are prepared to raise children single handed?

You could say the same about some women. How many grab the nearest available man in their late 30s because the clock’s ticking?