Unspoken grief childless men

[Needanewnamebeingwatched]

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/aug/28/unspoken-grief-childless-men

What are you thoughts on this report from a man who never had children and regrets it bitterly

Absolutely, but only men have the power to dismantle this element of patriarchy, which disproportionately disadvantages men themselves.

I can have sympathy for men-as I've said, I know a lot of men who are very focussed on fatherhood. I do find it interesting though that the interest often (not always) wanes at the thought of being the primary carer!

I also find myself with little sympathy for the appropriation of "woman's things" that some men do.

I think that unfortunately men and women do sometimes gamble on there "being more time" and lose their best time/opportunity to procreate while they play the field or prioritise their finances/dreams etc.

Thing is, though, @LuvSmallDogs what's at stake is very different for women than for men.

Most women know that - unless they manage to marry the one man in a hundred (or a thousand!) - they will take the hit on their mental & physical health, their income, their pension, their career progression or education, and their personal freedom, if they become mothers, in a way that most men will rarely feel if they become fathers.

There are hundreds of threads every week on MN demonstrating this, and the consequences for women.

And people wonder why so many men hate women.

While I have sympathy for people who are living lives they're unhappy with, who wanted or expected children but couldn't or haven't had any.

The reality is life is unfair, you can't always get what you want and you play with the hand you're dealt.

I don't think anyone has the right to have children and I don't like it when people treat a difficulty to conceive and failed rounds of IVF as if it were the worst thing that could possibly happen to someone.

I quite agree.

I'm also amazed by some of the figures here - that there is a 1 in 100 or even a 1 in 1000 chance of a woman finding a decent man who'll support them during and after pregnancy.

I know many, many couples who have long, happy marriages and who are still married with adult children who've flown the nest.

Those I know who have split up? More often than not the woman has reached her mid-40s, started behaving like a teenager again and leaves her marriage for another man.

The couples I know who hate each other are those who got together for the status - attracted to the big company car, the nice house and looking like the bees knees. Once the shallow parts of their life is over and there's no one who cares about them enough left to impress, there's nothing for them in their lives.

Must admit that my first thought was to wonder whether he’d been a bit odd. Women are, on the whole, a pretty forgiving bunch - if a man treats them nicely, makes an effort, has a good personality and a way of supporting himself then he should do okay with women. The sample of the book that a PP shared makes me think that perhaps he was quite hard work.

He realised in his early 40s that he wanted children then spent 15 years not really having relationships. This makes me think he expected someone much younger / hotter than the women who were interested.

Got an uncle who is absolutely lovely, fantastic with me as a child and now with my children, a sort of gentle giant. He just wasn't any good at meeting anyone or having the qualities someone might look for in a mate I suppose.
I imagine there are lots of very nice but just not traditionally attractive men who fall into this category.

Thank you, Sir.

By the way, my bitchiness and delight is not towards all men but reserved for those who strung women along who wanted kids then themselves discovered that they missed the boat. I make no apologies for feeling this way.

I know a guy who is 43 and incredibly sad he doesn’t have children. He never settled down or found “the one” and so he will remain child free I imagine.

I know he feels resentment as he’s frequently saying how unfair it is and how much easier it is for women to have a baby without an actual male partner being on the scene (sperm donation for example) whereas men don’t have a similar kind of option available to them.

He realised in his early 40s that he wanted children then spent 15 years not really having relationships. This makes me think he expected someone much younger / hotter than the women who were interested.

This reminds me of an article I read a while back about middle aged men, mostly Americans, heading off to Ukraine with one of those scam 'matrimonial agencies'. They complained about how hard it was to find someone to settle down with. My guess is that when they said 'someone' what they really meant was an attractive, compliant woman decades younger. If they were prepared to accept women of similar age and attractiveness, or lack thereof, to themselves, they'd probably find someone easily enough. But of course they think they 'deserve' better.

No, they don't have "a similar kind of option available to them" because they're not the ones who'll have to carry the baby for 9 months and then give birth. And then of course they will have to raise the child alone.

He's making it sound like an easy option, but in reality I think very few men would actively choose to be single parents.

Ditto

Does he think he'll be single for the next 40+ years too? Why? People get together at all ages.
As for children, he could meet someone who's 35 and still have them.

He’s looked into adopting but I think he’s being very naive about the impact having a child would have on his life.

He drives up to Liverpool most weekends to watch the football and spend the weekend with his mates, he’s goes to the gym about 2-3 times a week, goes running at least 4 times a week, has ad-hoc trips away when he feels like it and generally lives the life that his freedom allows him to.

I don’t think he’s even considered about how much his life would have to change if a child was bought into the mix, never mind having to do it as a single parent too.

He has said he will not date a woman who already has children and obviously, the older he gets the less likely he is to come across a single, childless woman in the age bracket that he’s after (at least 35 years old).

And nor does he want to be an “old dad” - his words not mine. I don’t think he’d consider having a baby after the age of 45 and even that’s a push.

He could use a surrogate.

Perhaps he thinks surrogacy is wrong and exploitative.

Perhaps women in general should be as "empathetic and compassionate" to men who feel they have missed out on fatherhood because they simply thought "it would just happen" as the majority of those men are "empathetic and compassionate" towards the plight of women, who have been treated like shit for centuries and still manage to feel they need to be the most compassionate sex. Just a thought.

I've just come from another forum where I was reading a post by a man who is 57 and has left his 55 year old partner after 25 years as he didn't want children so she sacrificed having them for him and now he's turned 57 he's decided he might be ready after all and she can't have children due to her age so he needs to find someone else to have them with.

@Lodhm arghhhh. Can only hope it's not real but unfortunately it does happen.

I mean, to be honest, she is at fault there too to a certain extent. She also knew that men can change their mind. If she wanted children she should have walked away long ago. This is why men get away with this crap. I hope she doesn't take him.back once he realises getting a woman half his age isn't that easy!

I do have sympathy for men who want children and think they missed out… up till they start blaming women and being angry how easy women have it that they can just get pregnant. I hope any potential baby-mothers this man had realise they had a lucky break not procreating with him! Such classic male entitlement and if it doesn’t work out let’s be angry at the women, it must be their fault 🤪