Unspoken grief childless men

[Needanewnamebeingwatched]

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/aug/28/unspoken-grief-childless-men

What are you thoughts on this report from a man who never had children and regrets it bitterly

Yeh probably though women are more acutely aware of the time against them- the difficulty for women tends to be finding an appropriate partner, this man just didn’t want to settle down.
Having children takes selflessness, you can’t have it all. You can’t live a selfish existence all your life and later in life wish you had family around you.

Male entitlement to children, whenever they want?

you don’t think women feel the same way?

It’s sad for him and for any person, male or female, that doesn’t have children for any reason.

He said he had a chance but the relationships weren’t the right ones so I think he was actually quite responsible? I think it’s very sad for him. I don’t think the comment about being alone was made in an entitled kind of way and would be something any woman could say too.

Only if they don't want it!

Why didn't he have children when he was younger though? I know many women in their 20s and 30s who would love to have children but their partner is prevaricating or they can't find a partner who wants that in the first place! I don't think there's a shortage of women of childbearing age to settle down and have children with. So it sounds to me a lot like these men are leaving it til they've had their fun and then being surprised that younger fertile women aren't interested in them. In which case nah, no sympathy.

Of course it was but that won’t suit the agenda of some of the posters on here.

So many men have kids, some with multiple women, then abandon them.

He chose to settle down late and then his wife couldnt/or didn't want kids late.

They could have adopted or fostered perhaps, but I know that's no for everyone.

My husband is childless not by childless as I’m infertile

robin Hadley in the article is childless not by choice because his wife didn’t want children & he chose her over having children

It’s not all “oh they hung on for too long & now can’t find a young woman”

I think Hollywood movies have played a very important role in giving men false expectations, like the one that every young, attractive woman is attracted to older guys, or that guys can find awoman to have children with as late as they wish.

There are also some sections of the internet taking a similar view. So I think it's a good thing if awareness is generally raised that men who want children would do well to prioritise it. Some of them do get lulled into a false sense of security because of being fertile longer than women.

Well, it is sad for him personally, but it’s the result of the choices he made earlier in life. You can’t expect that in your 40s, fertile younger women are going to flock your way, and women your own age have either had their children, don’t want them or are running out of time for that too.

There are no guarantees in life though. Even if you have children, there is no complete certainty that they’ll be around when you are old.

No, it won't.

No adoption really really isn’t for everyone. My husband & I wanted our own child not someone else’s. We made that choice but he is allowed to grieve it as am I

Our adopted kids are ours, not ‘someone else’s’ - just to let you know that the way you’ve phrased this is pretty offensive. A less offensive way of saying it is that you wanted your own biological children.

about who is going to be there for these men, when they’re old and all alone

Colour me unsympathetic, my visceral reaction is to be glad that nature has, one way or another, prevented one adult human from having children only in order to avoid being alone in their old age.

'Fraid that's all the reaction I have.

Yes, there are an awful lot of double standards on MN. Some posters seem to believe that every woman is a saint and every man is evil, a belief I have never encountered anywhere but on here.

I ignore those posters, they really aren't worth more than a second of my time.

I have sympathy for anyone who wanted a child and didn’t get to have one, partly because I am one. And I know several decent men who didn’t have them because they didn’t meet the right person to have children with, as I didn’t.

I don’t think many people actually really want to have kids to “have someone to look after them” when they are old. How many parents on here could say that was at the forefront of their mind when they decided to have a child? Probably not many. It’s about continuing a family line, or wanting to be part of a family, or just that biological urge. I think it’s more about being worried that as you get old there is nobody to advocate for you, and as an unmarried woman of 51 with no family left and who has made her peace with not having children, that part scares the shit out of me.

Apologies for the offence caused. I should have phrased it differently

Yes it's sad.

I'm inevitably thinking of the struggle I had to find a partner who would consider having a child with me. Of the partners I had between the age of 19 and 35, my eventual dh was willing to go ahead once I got pregnant, and one other has a child. Otherwise none of them have children and we are in our 50s. (BTW I didn't want a child at 19, was just looking for someone who might want a family eventually). This man says 'children were a low priority' for him. Well, stuff that is low priority tends not to happen.

I agree that the narrative that women are selfish harridans trapping men into reluctantly having kids is as damaging for men as it is for women. No shit.

Talking about this is a good thing. Many relationships fail because the male partner won't commit to marriage and children, while the female partner has wasted years of her fertility with him.

I hope discussions like this will lead to men taking on more parental responsibility too, in relationships and out of relationships with the mother.

I don’t want my child to be there for me in older life I want Euthanasia to be legalised.

Well, Nurden is honest about why he doesn’t have children — ‘complacency, bad luck, bad judgement’. That I appreciate.

Far less keen on the ‘when I’m older I might find myself entirely alone’ stuff.

Thank you

Well, Nurden is honest about why he doesn’t have children — ‘complacency, bad luck, bad judgement’. That I appreciate.

That part is helpfully phrased.

I think it’s more about being worried that as you get old there is nobody to advocate for you, and as an unmarried woman of 51 with no family left and who has made her peace with not having children, that part scares the shit out of me.

its this. You only have to go on the elderly parents board to see how much information gathering, advocating & practical support so many mumsnetters do for their parents not necessarily because they actually want too but because services are shite & it’s them or no one because services just assume adult kids especially daughters will pick things up

around 20% of people over 50 have no children. There are a lot of ppl advancing towards old age without those adult children governments rely on to sort things out