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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting my DS to not see his girlfriend

143 replies

Pissedoffandangry · 02/09/2023 22:00

My mum died 2 weeks ago. I'm devastated. My DS18 has carried on with his usual routine of staying at his girlfriend's this weekend despite me asking him to stay home because I'm really upset and lonely and need the company. This evening I'm in bed crying and he's at the pub with his girlfriend and her mother.

OP posts:
Hatesf1 · 02/09/2023 22:01

In the kindest way life goes on - I’m sure he needs the support

Xrays · 02/09/2023 22:02

I’m really sorry about your Mum - my own Mum died of bowel cancer in 2019- but in the kindest way I think you’re being unreasonable about your son. Life has to go on, he’s young and needs to keep some normality. I know it’s hard but you have to take time to grieve yourself and still let your son live his life as well. He’s also lost a grandparent and probably needs to feel the support of his girlfriend and friends etc.

ToastyCrumpets · 02/09/2023 22:03

Sorry for your loss.

But I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Is he being thoughtful in other ways?

2chocolateoranges · 02/09/2023 22:06

Im sorry to hear about your mum but I agree with the other posters about how life goes on, surely you’d prefer your 18 year old to carry on with life and have the support of his girlfriend than stay at home with you, this may be his way of dealing with what’s happened,

when MIL passed last year, dh I encouraged our teens to go out and carry on with their Christmas nights out that were already arranged. Dh practically forced me out to my works night out only 5 days after, he said his mum would have been angry that we were all staying in,

Alwaysdecorating · 02/09/2023 22:06

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 18 months ago.

But I think you are being unfair. As hard as it is (I was a single parent when I lost my mum) you can’t put it all on your older kids.

He is 18, he should be keeping up with plans and dealing with the loss his own way. He may not be up to being able to be your only emotional support or main emotional support.

It’s unfair for him to put his life on hold. Do you have any friends, a partner you can turn to? Any family?

wellandtruly · 02/09/2023 22:07

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry. I don’t think it’s on to rely on your teen because you’re upset and lonely and need company. It would be nice if he offered to hang around, but I don’t think you can ask him. Have you any friends or other family to talk to?

Original poster
Pissedoffandangry · 02/09/2023 22:11

No-one

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 02/09/2023 22:15

I really don't think you can use your son as an emotional crutch- this comes from someone who lost their parents by 25 and had two young children.

Yes, you hope your son can see you need support but maybe he struggles to be around you if you are upset, especially if it's not like you.

I am really sorry for your lost, is there no siblings / friends you can talk with? As people your own age tend to understand more and more experienced in life.

PostItInABook · 02/09/2023 22:15

I disagree with all the posters so far and think it’s awful he cant even stay in ONE night to be there for his mum who is so clearly hurting. I would never have dreamed of being so awful to my mum.

Notsuredontknow · 02/09/2023 22:15

Im surprised at the responses. It was only 2 weeks ago so very recent and she’s asked him to stay around this weekend, not to permanently be by her side. I think a bit of support from your 18yo child is not an unreasonable expectation. I’m sorry for your loss Op. I hope you can get some rest tonight x

PostItInABook · 02/09/2023 22:16

Sorry for your loss OP.

Hiddenvoice · 02/09/2023 22:18

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can’t begin to imagine your pain.
People grieve in their own ways, he’s chosen to be with his girlfriend because he’s 18 and right now she’s maybe the closest person to (no offence)
Please don’t be angry or upset with him. He’s young and you can’t put all of this on him. As hard as it is, he needs to carry on with his life.

Is there anyone you could reach out to? Other family members, friends? Colleagues? Neighbours?

I’m sorry for your loss .

EbiRaisukaree · 02/09/2023 22:18

PostItInABook · 02/09/2023 22:15

I disagree with all the posters so far and think it’s awful he cant even stay in ONE night to be there for his mum who is so clearly hurting. I would never have dreamed of being so awful to my mum.

I agree with you. I could never see my mum in distress and not want to help and comfort her. We are a close family who genuinely care how each other feels.

Seashellies · 02/09/2023 22:18

Sorry for your loss. Some people find keeping a routine really helpful when they lose someone, I'm sure he is hurting too. I mean this kindly and sorry if it comes across harshly, but whilst children in an ideal world are a support to their parents as they grow up its a lot to put on your child if they're your only support network. If he's usually decent and cares for you then I'd think it healthy he has some time with his girlfriend.

Zanatdy · 02/09/2023 22:19

Sorry for your loss. Teens are very selfish and self centred

ToastyCrumpets · 02/09/2023 22:20

Zanatdy · 02/09/2023 22:19

Sorry for your loss. Teens are very selfish and self centred

…or he may just be trying to cope with his own emotions and not put those on his mum?

Seashellies · 02/09/2023 22:20

PostItInABook · 02/09/2023 22:15

I disagree with all the posters so far and think it’s awful he cant even stay in ONE night to be there for his mum who is so clearly hurting. I would never have dreamed of being so awful to my mum.

OP hasn't said but it seems like he's gone out this weekend but nothing to say he hasn't been there every other night for the past fortnight?

Howdoesitworkagain · 02/09/2023 22:21

Sorry for your loss.

Has he stayed with you on some other evenings?

I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to stay at home with you over the weekend, but that’s assuming that he hasn’t already been out or away every night so far.

BeetyAxe · 02/09/2023 22:22

I think your son could’ve and should’ve stayed in to comfort you, it’s only one weekend. Teens are famously selfish though., so try not to take it to heart. I am so sorry for your loss.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/09/2023 22:24

Pissedoffandangry · 02/09/2023 22:00

My mum died 2 weeks ago. I'm devastated. My DS18 has carried on with his usual routine of staying at his girlfriend's this weekend despite me asking him to stay home because I'm really upset and lonely and need the company. This evening I'm in bed crying and he's at the pub with his girlfriend and her mother.

Has he gone out every night? Perhaps he fights your distress to hard to deal with.

Our kids are used to seeing us strong and in control and it can be a huge shock for them to realise we're just human after all.

Is he normally emotionally stunted or is this out of the norm?

Sorry for your loss. If it's out of character, I'd say it's a way of coping - so maybe you could suggest a coffee together to talk things through as he may just not know how to comfort you, so goes out, to avoid feeling useless?

saraclara · 02/09/2023 22:26

He's been home with you for two weeks. You can't expect him to be your crutch. That's far too much for an 18 year old. He will need space from your emotions, and also to talk to his girlfriend about his own loss.

My DH died when my DDs were barely adult and living at home. I actively encouraged them to go out with their friends as soon as they felt able to. They needed my support to manage their loss too. I mostly was my own support.

EbiRaisukaree · 02/09/2023 22:26

We seem to expect so little of our teens these days, and as a result many seem to live down to our expectations. 18 is not too young to have developed some emotional intelligence and empathy. The adult world beckons at that age, and some emotional maturity and the ability to relate to other people’s feelings really isn’t too much for them to have developed by that stage.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/09/2023 22:29

I do think, in your grief, you're being a little unfair to him.

Death reminds us that life is for living, and we never know what's around the corner.
Take your time to grieve the way you see fit but allow him to do the same. This might be his way of coping or it might not have hot him yet, or, like you say, he might just be carrying on as normal - none of those are wrong.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2023 22:31

ToastyCrumpets · 02/09/2023 22:20

…or he may just be trying to cope with his own emotions and not put those on his mum?

Show quote history

He's in the pub with his girlfriend and her mother.

I think he's being thoughtless

ToastyCrumpets · 02/09/2023 22:33

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2023 22:31

He's in the pub with his girlfriend and her mother.

I think he's being thoughtless

Show quote history

And? Is there some kind of law against going to the pub or who one may socialise with?