Expecting my DS to not see his girlfriend

[Pissedoffandangry]

My mum died 2 weeks ago. I'm devastated. My DS18 has carried on with his usual routine of staying at his girlfriend's this weekend despite me asking him to stay home because I'm really upset and lonely and need the company. This evening I'm in bed crying and he's at the pub with his girlfriend and her mother.

He has to deal with it in his own way, I doubt he's out partying hard but he can't be a constant prop.
Perhaps have a chat with him when you get chance and see how he's feeling too.

He's young and wants to be with his girlfriend. I don't think it's fair to expect him to be your support sorry.

Sorry for your loss.

you are pissed off, angry, upset and lonely. You are sat in bed crying. What is it you want from your child tonight? Can he do it? He doesnt want to but if he did, does he have the skills?

what is it you feel you need right now and who can you get that from? Have you access to a therapy phone line with work or similar?

Firstly, I’m very sorry for your loss and I understand that you are feeling bereft. I have lost both my parents and my husband so I do understand. I still think you’re being unfair to your son Do you have friends your own age who you can talk to? Would it really make you feel better if he stayed at home with you? He’s young and I don’t think it’s fair to rely on him for emotional support.

So sorry for your loss but I also don't think you should expect your son to be your sole source of emotional support. Presumably he hasn't been out every night for the last 2 weeks and hopefully he's been thoughtful in other ways? For some people keeping a routine and doing familiar things is a comfort. He may find it hard to be around you if you are very upset. I went back to work very quickly after my DB died partly to get out of the house and to focus on something else. What would expect from him exactly if he stayed home? Sadly grief is a very lonely thing and having someone else there doesn't really change anything.

Of course not.

Except in these circumstances he is prioritising them over his grieving mother.

I'm allowed to think that's wrong

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

You are an adult and shouldn’t be leaning on your kids for support when he’s barely left school.

You must have friends you can meet up with? Other family..

I don't think he's "prioritising" them. He's choosing to have a drink with them, which could be for all sorts of reasons. Maybe he's prioritising his own needs and wants and trying to get a break. Every day on MN we tell people to look after themselves, maybe he's doing that?

But why shouldn’t he prioritise his own wellbeing / manage his own feelings in the way that’s right for him? Which may include trying to get back to a sense of normality.

I think that’s natural, not wrong. Children aren’t there to be emotional support to their parents.

My own view on this may be slightly clouded by losing my own parent very recently - my remaining parent actively encouraged me to get back to my own life.

If you don't have literally anyone else to talk to and all of your grief and his own grief has been on him, then yes, he does deserve a break.

That's a lot for an 18yo.

Where has he been for the last 2 weeks? Because if he's been home most nights then I don't think it's fair to complain about him having a night with his girlfriend.

It comes across as though you are expecting him to behave how a partner might. He's not there to fill that gap for you

That's incredibly selfish and thoughtless of him, you're his mum & should come first now. This is why men grow up to become thoughtless & insular shits by always putting their needs first. In situations like this, so many posters have excused his behaviour with shitty excuses. No it's not on, he needs to comfort you, not run away and put someone else's mum first.

I can guarantee you that his gf wouldn't be at the pub with you & your ds if her mum died. The pair of them are thoughtless shits. I'm sorry for your loss.

He might want to talk about he feels without further upsetting his own mum who is already upset.

We don't know, do we? If he's been out every night for 2 weeks, then maybe he's an arsehole. If it's the first time since it happened, and wanted to get out for a bit, I can understand that.

I had to look after my mum when her boyfriend died, and I was around 20, as she was distraught and it was actually quite traumatic for me as I didn't feel I knew what to do/say. It was quite claustrophobic and I needed a bit of time to myself to process what had happened and not get swallowed up with it all.

We don't really know all sides to this story, do we?

He doesn't sound sympathetic at all. My daughters were very much there for me when I suffered a similar loss to you.

They were there, but I just wanted to be in my own and was very depressed. They didn't carry on like nothing happened.

My sincere condolences to you.

I am sorry for your loss. I am assuming from your post that you are on your own. This doesn’t mean that your son has to step in and fill the role of a partner. Your son is a teenager and shouldn’t be used by you as a crutch to lean on. Your son is getting on with life and that is good.

Oh my lovely I feel for for you so so much. My cherished mum died 2 years ago. Quite sudden. Though she had been poorly.

I was heartbroken. Still am. Every day. My 3 DC were 20 and 17 and 10 at the time. I did do everything possible to keep things normal for them. They were very very close to their grandma and I was worried about how they would respond. Wanted to protect them as much as I could.

I know it is so hard, but I do think you need to let your DS feel free to go out and enjoy himself. Has he been supportive at all? Helped with funeral arrangements?

It does sound as though he is being a bit thoughtless though. Is that out of character for him? Is he grieving too?

Maybe it would be helpful to tell him a couple of specific things you’d like him to support you with. Would he do that for you?

I hope you are able to process your loss in time and find peace. It’s a hard journey. You have my sympathy.

OP, I'm sorry for loss. Once your life starts on an even keel again you will really need to work on your social network.

Op, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so crap and alone. Bereavement is awful and can hit you like a train. But, and it’s a really big and blunt but, you can’t use your teenage son as a crutch. It’s the wrong way round. Most 18 year old boys aren’t emotionally mature enough to manage their own emotions never mind someone else’s. You can be sad and lonely and you will feel crap (this is part of the grieving process) but you MUST seek solace elsewhere or you risk losing him completely. He cannot be your everything. He shouldn’t be either.

you need to grieve but I really hope you’re feeling better soon. Sending strength and support and a virtual hug through the magic of Mumsnet X

OP, I know only too well about how awful the death of a parent is, but I think it is very wrong of you to expect your son to stay by your side. He is young and won't feel it the same way you do. YABU to expect this from him.

You're his mum. You'll always be the adult who handles shit.

I am sorry for the loss of your mum. I am dreading the day. But your feelings aren't really for your son to deal with. She was your mum before he was even twinkle. Grannys die because they do. He's hopefully not even really thinking that mums go..

Sorry for your loss but I would have no expectation on my children to put their life on hold for me.
I'd turn to a friend or other support on this situation

He has also lost a gran parent, and maybe he (understandably) wants a bit of normality in life! Also the post from op, and the fact she has come here to post in the first place, suggests she probably isn't going to be the easiest person to be around currently, and it is a lot of pressure to put on an 18 year olds shoulders.

It’s mean, and thoughtless and you are bound to be upset. .one evening is hardly putting his life on hold. Sorry for your loss

So sorry for your loss it's a very difficult time. Has your son spent any time with you, has he shown any support like a hug, made tea etc? If he's been around more over the last few weeks there is going to be a point where your going to need that alone time and to allow the tears and thoughts to flow. If he's generally carried on as normal and left you to it then he's unreasonable not to be with you more.

Agree. I lost my beloved gran 4 months ago and I moved home (I live overseas) for 3 weeks to help my mum care for her on EOL and organise her funeral. I certainly wouldn’t have been swanning about with mates in a pub!