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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting my DS to not see his girlfriend

143 replies

Pissedoffandangry · 02/09/2023 22:00

My mum died 2 weeks ago. I'm devastated. My DS18 has carried on with his usual routine of staying at his girlfriend's this weekend despite me asking him to stay home because I'm really upset and lonely and need the company. This evening I'm in bed crying and he's at the pub with his girlfriend and her mother.

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 02/09/2023 23:18

Sorry for your loss, but YABU

TomatoSandwiches · 02/09/2023 23:18

What is your relationship like normally?

CoteDOpale · 02/09/2023 23:19

I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s awful losing your parent.

But for DS, look at it from his perspective. Do you think seeing his GF and her mum is ‘normal’ to him and gives him some of his routine and some distance from what he’s dealing with at home? Space to deal with it?
My dad died when I was 16 and I’m pretty sure I was hanging out with my friends again within the week. It was a different kind of ‘outside’ support for the sake of normality and that was nice. They were all doing their normal stuff. I wanted to be with them, talk about school/friends/whatever and take my mind off, well, death.

He’s not being thoughtless, I promise. He’s dealing with it in his own way.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 02/09/2023 23:22

He's being a bit selfish, maybe sit down with him and explain how you feel.

saraclara · 02/09/2023 23:32

It's been two weeks. How long is he supposed to stay by his mum's side, dealing with her tears?

Like I said upthread, when my DH died, I encouraged my DS to see their friends on those early days. They were wonderful in helping me nurse him, but they needed to be able to unload to their friends and get support with their own loss. And that was after the death of my adored spouse of 35 years.

It is absolutely not the role of a teenaged child to be their mother's only support after the loss of their parent..

2chocolateoranges · 02/09/2023 23:39

Maybe he’s struggling seeing his mum so upset that to deal with it he feels he needs some space and spend time wi5 his girlfriend.

we all deal with grief differently.

I also know my daughter would be more concerned and attentive than my son would be.

DinaofCloud9 · 03/09/2023 00:31

You need someone else to chat to other than your son. Surely you have someone more suitable like a friend? Relative? Neighbour?

KingOfThieves · 03/09/2023 00:34

YABU. I am so very sorry for your loss ❤️ losing a grandparent isn’t the same as losing a parent and your child absolutely cannot be your emotional support here. It isn’t right or fair. I would look to a peer for support if possible

Hankunamatata · 03/09/2023 00:35

Has he been with you the last week?

Alwaysdecorating · 03/09/2023 05:00

Mariposista · 02/09/2023 23:18

Agree. I lost my beloved gran 4 months ago and I moved home (I live overseas) for 3 weeks to help my mum care for her on EOL and organise her funeral. I certainly wouldn’t have been swanning about with mates in a pub!

Show quote history

But I assume you are an adult above the age of 18?

This son is the only significant relationship in the Ops life. The only person she has. That’s a huge amount of pressure even on just a day to day basis. Especially for an 18 year old.

It’s a completely different situation. And yours was a very temporary basis. You knew, that you would be leaving again. It’s easier to give complete round yeh clock support, when there’s a limited time to provide it. You then went back home. When Ops mum has been gone three weeks, he won’t be leaving. He will still be there. As the only emotional support for his mother.

Losing a parent is horrific. It’s been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. And 18 year old may not feel equipped or able to deal, on their own, with the distress of their parent going through it, without breaks. Or without someone else supporting him. With no one else involved.

WandaWonder · 03/09/2023 05:04

He has his own life to lead he should not be there for a replacement counsellor, if you are really struggling then seek actual professional support

Brightandshining · 03/09/2023 05:21

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad not long ago.
I understand how you must be feeling but in the gentlest way, you are being quite unreasonable. He is an 18 year old boy. That's a lot of pressure to put on him.

Notsuredontknow · 03/09/2023 06:02

Out of interest, to those linking op’s unreasonableness to her son’s age, at what age do you think it would be more reasonable to ask him for support? Genuine question

Viviennemary · 03/09/2023 06:05

I have mixed feelings on this one. I can see both sides of the argument. But if he has stayed in for the previous 2 weeks you are being a bit U to expect him to keep this up.

TallerThanAverage · 03/09/2023 06:13

EbiRaisukaree · 02/09/2023 22:18

I agree with you. I could never see my mum in distress and not want to help and comfort her. We are a close family who genuinely care how each other feels.

Show quote history

But it’s fair to say that neither of you are 18 year old men. I have a great relationship with my son but I wouldn’t expect him to stay in with me crying and grief ridden.

pinkfondu · 03/09/2023 06:15

Op I'm so sorry for your loss.

You haven't said what has happened for the last two weeks.

What I do know is as a teen I didn't know how to deal with/what to do when my grandmother passed away. But as an adult, when one of my parents died, I certainly remember the feeling of why is everything carrying on as though nothing has happened.

If this is the first time he has left you, it was always going to be difficult, especially if you have no one else.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2023 06:22

I lost my father when I was a couple of years younger than your ds so I know a lot about grief and grieving with zero support (of which I had none). Maybe he does need support. But losing a grandparent is in no way the same as losing a parent... unless that gp performed a parental role.

Perhaps your grief has become too much for him to bear. On the face of it, I’d say it should be you out with him and his gf, not his gf’s mum. But idk if that’s unfair on him or if he’s just being a teen, not understanding the significance of losing a parent.

What level of support has he given you and what level of support have you given him?

honeyandfizz · 03/09/2023 07:20

Hi OP. I am very sorry to hear about your DM, I lost my beautiful Dad in April and it was sudden and a horrible death. I have two DC - DS18 and DD 19. Whilst DD is able to show her grief DS doesn't, he struggles to talk about his Grandad and pretty much carried on with life as normal. At the time I thought he was quite cold but I know he loved his Grandad dearly and that this was just his way of dealing with it. Even on Friday I was having a quiet cry and he found me in tears and changed the subject straight away. I think we have to accept that some teens deal with things differently. Yanbu to feel the way you do and you have my upmost sympathy and grief is a brutal thing to experience. Take care of yourself x

YouJustDoYou · 03/09/2023 07:24

Sorry for your loss op. But he probably doesn't want to be in that atmosphere right now. It's a lot for any child to have to deal with, let alone being a parent's emotional crutch.

Clefable · 03/09/2023 07:30

There's hardly any info here to be calling him a selfish shit or otherwise. For all we know he's been with OP every other night this week and needed a break or just wanted a few hours to think about something else.

Miscellaneousme · 03/09/2023 07:32

YABU, OP. Where does his support come from?

ZickZack · 03/09/2023 07:32

Life goes on??? Charming. It's been 2 weeks! In my family, we support each other.
An 18 year old can stay home one weekend to be with his alone grieving mother🤦🏼‍♀️ watch a movie, eat a takeaway. It doesn't mean be his mum's grieving therapist but my goodness, one weekend is not a lot to ask.

MintJulia · 03/09/2023 07:34

Zanatdy · 02/09/2023 22:19

Sorry for your loss. Teens are very selfish and self centred

That's a bit unfair on the lad, isn't it? In the nicest possible way, life has to go on.

Clefable · 03/09/2023 07:35

And there's nothing wrong with going to the pub for the evening two weeks after a grandparent has died. There's nothing wrong with going to the pub for a few hours two weeks after a parent has died either.

Alwaysdecorating · 03/09/2023 07:36

ZickZack · 03/09/2023 07:32

Life goes on??? Charming. It's been 2 weeks! In my family, we support each other.
An 18 year old can stay home one weekend to be with his alone grieving mother🤦🏼‍♀️ watch a movie, eat a takeaway. It doesn't mean be his mum's grieving therapist but my goodness, one weekend is not a lot to ask.

We have no idea if it’s just one weekend. we have no idea if he has been with Op every minute of everyday since it happened.

Expecting someone who is only just a legal adult to be the only emotional and practical support Is unrealistic and, frankly, unfair.

How many people are in your family? That are alll supporting eachother? I am guessing far more than you and one 18 year old. So it’s not the same.