Expecting my DS to not see his girlfriend

[Pissedoffandangry]

My mum died 2 weeks ago. I'm devastated. My DS18 has carried on with his usual routine of staying at his girlfriend's this weekend despite me asking him to stay home because I'm really upset and lonely and need the company. This evening I'm in bed crying and he's at the pub with his girlfriend and her mother.

In the short term, please call these people

https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/

Sorry but this is a horribly crass comment to a woman who suddenly lost her mum 2 weeks ago. I’ve skimmed the thread but can’t even see if the funeral has been held yet. Honestly sometimes I think people need to think before they type ‘would I say this face to face in real life to a person’, because I’m pretty sure paraphrasing ‘your mums dead, suck it up’ would not be on most people’s list of condolences.

@Pissedoffandangry I’m sorry you’re feeling so unsupported at this time. I lost both grandparents at 18 and I can’t say I was the most emotionally supportive of people either. I’m sure there’s a bereavement forum on here or there’s also Chat which is a lot more understanding than aibu, perhaps start a thread talking about your mum and your feelings about everything that’s happened. I’m sure you will find much kinder support and those who’ve gone through similar.

Life goes on?? Who days such things to someone who is grieving.

Sorry for your loss op x

I read that in relation to OP's son, rather than OP. . His life does need to go on. He's allowed to go to the pub two weeks later.

OP's update gives an idea of what he's been having to shoulder for the last two weeks. I'm glad he's getting a break.

Hopefully OP will turn to CRUSE and her doctor now.

Bereavement counselling may help. It's a really difficult time do you have any friends? Can you get back to your normal routine a bit?

Cruse recommended counselling to me 6 months after bereavement at the earliest. And tbh it didn't help, i just wanted my mum back, like the op does.

I think after 2 weeks he shouldnt be made to feel guilty for not staying in with you. Different if it was tge first two days. Maybe he'd find it easier to be more supportive if you gave him something practical to do?

He's got something practical to do, seeing his girlfriend. His mum is grieving and can't offer him support, I'm sure his girlfriend does. Its not his fault his mum has no support apart from him, that wasn't his doing.

There's counselling and counselling. The hospice that supported us offered me the chance to come and talk to their counsellor just a few weeks after my husband died. But it wasn't full on counseling. It was letting me talk, and get to know their counsellor so that he could establish how I was doing, and I could feel comfortable about coming back and having regular sessions later if I needed them.

Right now, OP needs someone, anyone, to talk to and metaphorically hold her hand. Waiting for six months isn't helpful. The CRUSE helpline will at least give her a listening ear at this point.

Losing your own Mum, in most cases, hurts a whole lot more than losing your Grandmother
He isnt in pain, he does not need to feel it.

I've got a talking therapy session in a couple of days. I've started taking Sertraline. I feel alone and guilty that my son doesn't have siblings. I failed him there as well

I'm pleased that you have some therapy lined up, along side the sertraline.

I'm sorry you're so alone but please please please don't feel guilty that your son is an only child. You only have to float around on the AIBU & relationship board on here to learn that not all siblings get along.

I'm pretty sure your therapist will raise this, so have a think of things you can do to broaden your social network. At 18 your son will be off living his life and you'll need to have other people to chat to, share interests with etc.

You haven't failed him at all! Your reaction to your son going out was unreasonable, but also completely understandable.. you are grieving. You came on here and asked if it were reasonable or not basically because you are a decent person who does worry about whether their reaction was right or not. Thats a sure sign you are generally a good mother. Be kind to yourself. This is a very difficult time for you. You arent always going to get it right.
I was a state after my dad dropped dead. I behaved like a crazy person for months. My parenting was not good at that time.
We can only keep trying our best. It gets easier in time altho it never goes away. Sending you love

I'm so sorry for your loss, but in the nicest way...

YABU... you need to rely on grown up friends, siblings etc to pick you up... not your teenage son.

For the love of God please don't bloody guilt trip him into staying around you either. He is likely upset too (though understandably not as much as you) and you blubbering all over him is not going to help him.

Just because he is 18 doesn't mean he is suddenly a suitable adult friend. You will push him away if you start to lay on the guilt trip.

@Pissedoffandangry You sound like you really need a friend at the moment. If you need someone to 'chat' to, DM me.

So sorry for your loss OP, I disagree with most posters here and agree with you that your son should have offered some support for you. I would be upset with the lack of empathy shown of it were one of my children.

I’m sorry op, for your loss and your struggles, but I think you kjow it’s not ok to expect your son to stop on his needs to stay home and comfort you. He also suffered a loss.

im glad you’ve therapy, and there are other helplines if you need to talk, but try to support your son to live his life during this period.

It’s two weeks and the op has not said what support he gives when he’s there. Also he’s only 18. This isn’t his job. He should be allowed to go out. He’s human too.