Expecting my DS to not see his girlfriend

[Pissedoffandangry]

My mum died 2 weeks ago. I'm devastated. My DS18 has carried on with his usual routine of staying at his girlfriend's this weekend despite me asking him to stay home because I'm really upset and lonely and need the company. This evening I'm in bed crying and he's at the pub with his girlfriend and her mother.

He might have been there every other night? In principle I agree with you but we don't know if it's just this one night and he's been there every other evening. If he's been there every other night, it's perfectly fair for him to go out this night.

Another who lost their mum last year.

When she was dying I talked about cancelling a big event my ds was going to the following weekend. She told me not a chance! She died 36hijrs before we were due to go. We went.

Not because I wanted to but because ds (17 at the time) had worked hard to earn a place there and it's what she wanted. She wanted our lives to go on.

I absolutely understand the grief and sense of not knowing if up is down. I actually felt discombobulated for about a year.

But I also had to allow ds to deal with it his way.

I'm also a LP.

But nowhere does it say he hasn’t offered support at all. He might have given her loads of support.

He is the only person she has. It’s unlikely he hasn’t given her any support at all. Being the only support for a parent, especially one you live with, it’s extremely difficult. Even for older people.

His age is irrelevant - he shouldn't be OPs only support system.

And without being too harsh; after two weeks he's probably thinking (as I probably would to be fair) that it's okay.

I am very sorry for your loss. From the sounds of it, and I may be misunderstanding so apologies if so, he’s been there with you most (every?) evening for the past two weeks. Understandably you’re very upset, and that can be an awful lot for an 18 year old to deal with when they’re your sole support, particularly when he’ll also be trying to handle his own grief. Do try not to begrudge him one night off, he needs some normalcy. My best wishes op.

Agree with this.

I am sorry for your loss OP but you are being unreasonable here.

That’s some huge assumptions.

of course I personally want to help when someone is distressed. However, working on the assumption because some feels they can’t, they must be selfish comes from quite a privileged position.

You weren’t the only support in the entire world for your mother. You had, at least (probably more) one other person to carry the load. So even if you found your mum distressed, your mothers emotional well being wasn’t only on your shoulders.

If a person needs a break because they are also going through a difficult time and are always the only support person available for a parent there is nothing? Inherently selfish, about needing a break yourself. We don’t know enough detail to making sweeping statements like he doesn’t care, he is offering no support or that you were a better child to your parent.

You don’t need to have been in the same situation to get that one, barely adult, has a high chance of struggling being his parents only emotional support and grieving himself and may need a break himself, for his own mental health. So he can support her again today or tomorrow.

You aren’t in the same situation and we don’t have the detail to decide wether you were a better child. Or a better person or that he is being selfish.

Not everyone can give constant at emotional support for days on end? With no breaks and mother person to carry the load with. Especially, when they are grieving too.

My Mum always made these kind of stipulations-her needs were paramount, while everyone else had to give up their whole lives until she felt they'd 'done enough'. Which was never.

I don't see her at all now which is a huge relief.

I don't lean on my sons. I have friends to talk to and I pay for counselling for the really emotional stuff.

Ironically, my eldest son is very kind and loving. Forcing kids to do stuff never goes well.

So you didn't go to work? To the shops?

You say he’s carried on his usual routine of being with his gf at the weekend, where is he the rest of the time? Have you seen him since your mum passed away? He should have spent some time with you but not necessarily the weekend, can he see you other days?

YABVU. Life goes on. What does it achieve? How long would you want it to go on for?

Thats your interpretation completely. If the OP had an 18 year old daughter my comment would have been ‘ but it’s fair to say that neither of you are 18 year old women….’
I only referred to him as a male because that’s what we’re dealing with in this scenario. I have a son and a daughter and they were 17 and 19 when their grandfather and then their grandmother died within 7 months of each other at no point would I have expected either of them to stay in because I was upset

I don't know if it was reasonable to ask him to stay. It's probably hard for him too, and maybe it's your responsibility as a mother not to make it harder, and let him deal with it his own way. An empathetic son might notice that you need him around.

On the other hand I think it's definitely unreasonable, once you've asked him, for him to ignore you! He knows you're grieving, he knows you want him around, and he's decided to do something else instead!

Do you really have no one else at all? If you rely on your teen son for all your support and company, that's not healthy, for you or him. He will be off living his own life soon. I'm very sorry for the loss of your Mum but you can't put it all on his still very young shoulders to support you. He will be grieving too I would think. Who is supporting him - not you, so he's off getting support from girlfriend, and I can't blame him for that.

I certainly wouldn’t have been swanning about with mates in a pub!

Presumably you're a bit older and wiser than 18 though? What would your 18 year old self have felt and done?

Yes we need OP to provide a bit more detail. Has he been around much?

If he's been home solidly, listening, making cups of tea and giving her hugs for the last 2 weeks that would be very different from out with mates every night. The likelihood is it's somewhere in the middle - giving his Mum what support he can while getting on with life. As he should.

Sorry I think YABU. He's lost a close family member too and he needs to see his own support network. He's a young adult and will away from home for good in just a few months or years. What other support networks do you have?

@EbiRaisukaree you're judging him with NO idea of what's he done in the last 2 weeks as OP hasn't said.

He could have been very caring and supportive for 2 weeks, but now just needs some time with his GF to work through his own feelings and get a break. And OP thinks this is unreasonable.

He’s 18 and maybe doesn’t know how to deal with you being upset? Also, if he wasn’t close to her, maybe it hasn’t effected him? You can’t rely on him to make you feel better.. 18 is still young!

My children were late teens/ early 20s when my Dad died. I didn’t expect support from them and wanted to shield them from the impact. I would have been happy if they were spending time with friends two weeks later. When my husband died they were late 30s with kids of their own. I appreciated practical support they gave me but, again, my impulse was to shield them from the emotional impact as much as possible. I knew they were busy and didn’t expect them to provide me with constant company after the first week. I was grateful for phone calls and the one who lived nearest came for a weekly dog walk and lunch with me for about 6 months afterwards. I think whatever age your children are you are still the Mum. until you get to the age where you are physically or mentally feeble. I do sympathise with OP’s grief though. It can be extremely disorientating.

Op hasn't been back for nearly 24 hours! Maybe her son came back and all is forgiven?

You are right. I shouldn't expect him to be my emotional carer. Tbh he's all I have. I feel so alone and am suffering extreme anxiety from my mother's sudden death. I'm not thinking clearly.

i am sorry for your loss
he also has a loss as well as a life to live.

when my dm husband died i was specifically told not to change my life by some caring people, i was going to, but they persuaded me not to.

find some support elsewhere op, look after yourself

@Pissedoffandangry have you seen your doctor? I'm sorry you're struggling so badly, and it's good that you've recognised people's points. But it does sound as though you need some support in the form of some short term medication or a referral for counseling.

This is important for you both, as clearly your 18 year old has been having to manage your distress, and that's not something that can continue. It's going to be horribly difficult for him, and how you're feeling is horrible for you.