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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting my DS to not see his girlfriend

143 replies

Pissedoffandangry · 02/09/2023 22:00

My mum died 2 weeks ago. I'm devastated. My DS18 has carried on with his usual routine of staying at his girlfriend's this weekend despite me asking him to stay home because I'm really upset and lonely and need the company. This evening I'm in bed crying and he's at the pub with his girlfriend and her mother.

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 03/09/2023 07:43

He's your son, not your partner.
Where are your friends to lean on as well?

He's been at home til now and needs a weekend off.

MintJulia · 03/09/2023 07:45

Notsuredontknow · 03/09/2023 06:02

Out of interest, to those linking op’s unreasonableness to her son’s age, at what age do you think it would be more reasonable to ask him for support? Genuine question

Emotional maturity carries on developing throughout people's lives but I'd say mid-20s onwards.

At 18, his brain still hasn't finished developing. He may look like an adult but emotionally he isn't.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 03/09/2023 07:47

No child is obliged to comfort their parent. Sorry for your loss.

Sayitaintso33 · 03/09/2023 07:49

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 02/09/2023 22:57

That's incredibly selfish and thoughtless of him, you're his mum & should come first now. This is why men grow up to become thoughtless & insular shits by always putting their needs first. In situations like this, so many posters have excused his behaviour with shitty excuses. No it's not on, he needs to comfort you, not run away and put someone else's mum first.

I can guarantee you that his gf wouldn't be at the pub with you & your ds if her mum died. The pair of them are thoughtless shits. I'm sorry for your loss.

I suspect so many posters have excused him not because he is male but because the prevailing culture on MN is you look after yourself.

londonrach · 03/09/2023 07:51

Sorry for your loss. Teenagers are by their nature selfish so he not unreasonable to continue with his life. Could you suggest a half way that he and his girlfriend stay at your house or you prefer not to have the girlfriend around. X

Alwaysdecorating · 03/09/2023 07:51

MaybeanothertimeNotReally · 02/09/2023 22:57

That's incredibly selfish and thoughtless of him, you're his mum & should come first now. This is why men grow up to become thoughtless & insular shits by always putting their needs first. In situations like this, so many posters have excused his behaviour with shitty excuses. No it's not on, he needs to comfort you, not run away and put someone else's mum first.

I can guarantee you that his gf wouldn't be at the pub with you & your ds if her mum died. The pair of them are thoughtless shits. I'm sorry for your loss.

How is the girlfriends mum dying, the equivalent of the Ops mum dying?

The equivalent would be the girlfriends grandma dying.

and how do you know she wouldn’t be at the pub, if her grandma died?

EbiRaisukaree · 03/09/2023 07:52

TallerThanAverage · 03/09/2023 06:13

But it’s fair to say that neither of you are 18 year old men. I have a great relationship with my son but I wouldn’t expect him to stay in with me crying and grief ridden.

Show quote history

My brother was 18 when my mum’s mum died. He, like me, who was 21, cared that our mum, who we dearly love, was distraught, and helped practically and emotionally to ease that.

Interesting that you seem to imply that expectations are different for boys and girls. Does this begin to explain why we hear so many awful stories of men’s behaviour on this site?

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2023 07:52

Sorry for your loss OP. If I was your son I would have stayed home to support you.

CornishGem1975 · 03/09/2023 07:55

It's not your teenage sons job to be your emotional support.

Life goes on. A lot of people find it easier/better to carry on with their usual routine, it can help.

Maybe you need to find someone else to talk to? If no friends or family then maybe a counsellor?

Alwaysdecorating · 03/09/2023 07:57

EbiRaisukaree · 03/09/2023 07:52

My brother was 18 when my mum’s mum died. He, like me, who was 21, cared that our mum, who we dearly love, was distraught, and helped practically and emotionally to ease that.

Interesting that you seem to imply that expectations are different for boys and girls. Does this begin to explain why we hear so many awful stories of men’s behaviour on this site?

Show quote history

So how long was it before you left your mothers side?

I assume for a long period you didn’t do anything at all. My mum died nearly 2 years ago, it’s incredibly hard. Even now.

I find it hard to believe you didn’t do anything in your own life for weeks or months.

And again, you have proved your situation was different. Because there was at least 2 of you carrying the load. Possibly more.

The Op has said, she has no one else at all so it’s all on him. Which is a huge amount of pressure, with now breaks.

I do agree, expectations shouldn’t be different for male children, compared with female children.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 03/09/2023 07:58

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

However I do think you're being unreasonable. He's eighteen and shouldn't be expected to be your emotional support system.

You say you have no-one else to speak to or lean on which strikes me as being very unhealthy. You need to build up a support network away from your DS.

Clefable · 03/09/2023 07:58

Why wouldn't his gf be at the pub two weeks after her grandmother died? Confused When my grandad died I carried on life as normal. Yes it was sad, but I don't think sitting at home mourning is right or healthy for everyone.

My mum wouldn't have wanted me sitting in every night anyway, just like I wouldn't want my kids missing out on life because of her death. She died two months ago and it's totally shit but I didn't expect everyone around me to put their own lives on hold for it indefinitely.

So without OP coming back to clarify what's been going on, it is impossible to say and everyone grandstanding about what they would and wouldn't do based off zero information is talking shite. If he's been home every night and has been generally supportive then yes I think it's unreasonable to deny him an evening out two weeks after the fact.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 03/09/2023 08:00

Has he been with you the rest of the time, if so I can completely see why it’s too much and he needs some time elsewhere.

EbiRaisukaree · 03/09/2023 08:02

Alwaysdecorating · 03/09/2023 07:57

So how long was it before you left your mothers side?

I assume for a long period you didn’t do anything at all. My mum died nearly 2 years ago, it’s incredibly hard. Even now.

I find it hard to believe you didn’t do anything in your own life for weeks or months.

And again, you have proved your situation was different. Because there was at least 2 of you carrying the load. Possibly more.

The Op has said, she has no one else at all so it’s all on him. Which is a huge amount of pressure, with now breaks.

I do agree, expectations shouldn’t be different for male children, compared with female children.

Show quote history

Of course I did things. But when it was clear to me, or my brother, that mum needed someone, as it must have been clear to the OP’s son yesterday, then we just wouldn’t leave her alone at that time. Doesn’t seeing someone you love in distress make you want to help in that moment, to stop them feeling distressed? Or only if you’ve got nothing better to do?

CornishGem1975 · 03/09/2023 08:02

Clefable · 03/09/2023 07:35

And there's nothing wrong with going to the pub for the evening two weeks after a grandparent has died. There's nothing wrong with going to the pub for a few hours two weeks after a parent has died either.

This. And it makes me uneasy to hear so many people calling him vile, or mean, thoughtless or selfish.

Everybody grieves differently. And as others have said, losing a grandparent is different to losing a parent.

OP sounds too dependant on her son and need to find a friend to talk to instead who I'm sure would be more sympathetic.

Ladybug14 · 03/09/2023 08:03

ThePoshUns · 02/09/2023 23:12

Sorry for your loss but I would have no expectation on my children to put their life on hold for me.
I'd turn to a friend or other support on this situation

Absolutely agree

If you have absolutely no one to turn to but need to talk, ring the Samaritans , Cruse and / or Mind

Clefable · 03/09/2023 08:03

Perhaps his mum has 'needed someone' every day and night for the past two weeks too and he wants a few hours away from it. We've no way of knowing with the info that's there.

Flossflower · 03/09/2023 08:04

Viviennemary · 03/09/2023 06:05

I have mixed feelings on this one. I can see both sides of the argument. But if he has stayed in for the previous 2 weeks you are being a bit U to expect him to keep this up.

Well at least 25. But no person should have to be a parent’s emotional support.

DisquietintheRanks · 03/09/2023 08:05

Gently yes I think YABU. Is it just you and your ds at home? If so then he's "there for you" a lot anyway and you are likely to be grieving for quite some time. I am very sorry you have lost your mother though, that's a hard loss to bear.

WhateverUsernameWillDo · 03/09/2023 08:06

Flossflower · 03/09/2023 08:04

Well at least 25. But no person should have to be a parent’s emotional support.

Show quote history

I assume you mean children. As a fully fledged adult I think it is reasonable to support my mother emotionally to some degree, if needed.

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2023 08:07

Clefable · 03/09/2023 08:03

Perhaps his mum has 'needed someone' every day and night for the past two weeks too and he wants a few hours away from it. We've no way of knowing with the info that's there.

Perhaps, but a lot of people are assuming this. My mum wasn't a wreck for weeks on end when her mum died, but she'd have been feeling down and I'd have wanted to plan a fun weekend for us to take her mind off things. I think when we're talking that sort of level of support, all the "it's not an 18 year old's job to support you" comments are pretty harsh. That's not a mindset I'd have been proud to have, or proud for my 18 year old to have.

WhateverUsernameWillDo · 03/09/2023 08:07

OP, has he been there for you a lot otherwise? I know when we lost someone close sometimes other people in the household needed to get away from the constant heaviness hanging around the home in the wake of loss. Maybe he needs a bit of space for a moment, or some support himself?

namechange55465 · 03/09/2023 08:07

PostItInABook · 02/09/2023 22:15

I disagree with all the posters so far and think it’s awful he cant even stay in ONE night to be there for his mum who is so clearly hurting. I would never have dreamed of being so awful to my mum.

It's not one night though is it, OP's mum died 2 weeks ago.

OneLittleFinger · 03/09/2023 08:08

My mum used me as a crutch when her mum died. It was awful. No understanding that I was grieving too. I went to a wedding then arranged to stay with friends for a few days. She wanted to come with me on my 'holiday'. It wasn't, it was me needing space to cry (which I did, in a field, and got covered in midgies).

Please let him be, and don't put everything on him.

CurlewKate · 03/09/2023 08:11

Actually, I disagree. I think 18 is quite old enough to understand that your mother might need some support and to offer it without being asked. I'm amazed that even if he is a bit thoughtless, his girlfriend and her mum aren't saying "Hey, what about your mum?"