To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

For all its not a nice suggestion, Foster Care is an option.
It was a choice my sister in law made with her severely autistic child made for his own health and wellbeing, she couldn't care for him, so working with social services he was found permanent foster placement, she sees him every weekend , but he lives with specialist carers who CAN give him the care/attention he needs to thrive.

Disabled people are often abused in the care system. Being put into care is often an incredibly damaging experience with poor outcomes for non-disabled children let alone disabled children. Unless the child is already being abused by his birth family it is unlikely to be better for him.

Yes OP and the daughter matter too but they do not matter more then. To jump straight into having a 3 year old put up for adoption knowing the likely poor outcome for the child when there are other avenues to explore and many families find things improve (be it with other struggles) with time shouldn't be encouraged unless the situation is at a point where there is abuse.

I understand it is shit, more then shit. I understand what it is like to hate parenting to the point of feeling suicidal and my Nan raised my profoundly disabled uncle to her death bed and spoke openly about how much she struggled.

But it is a risk we all take when having a child. Any of us could end up with a profoundly disabled child (my uncle became disabled after his appendix burst). I am sorry but jumping to surrendering a child into care, before a absolutely every other avenue has been explored isn't ok. This is a human child no matter how much people use the dehumanising language and phrases used in this thread.

OP this is awful and a hideous situation. Please do what is right for you and your daughter.
😘

I’m not getting into a debate with you about it, because the bottom line is we don’t agree. We don’t need to.

The fact remains that it IS an option, and it may be one that OP chooses to consider and pursue. That’s entirely her decision to make, and it isn’t for you or anyone to decide that she can’t.

I totally agree with you.

My cousin is in his 50s and is very much as you describe your DS (ASD, non verbal, epileptic), by Aunt was a SEN teacher before he was born. He went into full time residential ‘school’ when he became large enough that he presented a danger to his younger siblings (sitting on them, violence etc), and has been in 24 hour care his entire adult life. My Aunt and uncle visit him regularly and take him out regularly. My Aunt is very vocally pro Termination for medical reason.

Don’t feel bad OP, get your DS into full time residential care as soon as possible and then you can be the best mum you can be to him with visits and advocating for his needs, and be the mum you want to your DD.

OP having read most of your thread I wanted to say I can only imagine how difficult and painful life is for you. I so wish I could offer some advice or better some solution. I can’t but I felt compelled to respond to your post to say you are in my thoughts and no one in their right mind could judge you. Another very warm hug.

This is incredibly hard. It's absolutely ok for you to feel sorry for yourself. You've drawn a really shitty straw.
It won't be like this forever. If he has very high care and support needs you'll be able to find him excellent residential accommodation for his adult life. He will be taught in a specialist school where you'll have extra advice and lots of networks open up with other parents - people who really do get it are so important for you and will help your mental health.
As other have said is respite a possibility so you can dedicate small chunks of time to your younger DC?

Fair enough, sorry.

OP I work with children like your DS and know their families and have sat and cried with them too, lockdown was especially horrendous. There’s nothing you said in your post I haven’t heard before unfortunately. And what other posters have said there’s very little help out there which is utterly disgusting. Some of our older children aged 8+ get respite care 2 nights a week or some get a carer in the mornings to help get them ready for school.

I would say do not let nursery send him home, your LA have a duty to provide a nursery education for him (sorry I don’t know how the English system works) but where I am he would be classed as vulnerable and be entitled to 5 full days 9-4 50 weeks of the year that would be something and give you a break to spend time with your DD.

Another family I know actually bought a small flat and mum & dad alternated nights between the family home and the flat to get a break they said it was either that or divorce.

I don’t know what else to suggest OP other than I wish you were close to me I’d come and give you a break for a few hours x

I’m sorry OP - it sounds really hard going and that you need some respite, even if only to let off steam. Have you joined any online parent support groups or contacted any organisations with phoneline support? I hope there’s some help there for you and, as others have said, possibly things will seem brighter soon.

Try and find some local support groups (FB is brilliant for this). At least you can be in the company of people who genuinely get what you're going through. And they will know the local system well enough to be able to point you in the direction of support etc. Have you got a local Barnado's as they offer support for families like yourself? https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services

Life's hard enough being a parent at the best of times, let alone when you're doing it alone and with a child with SEN. I'm so sorry that you're struggling.

Are you anywhere close to Edinburgh or Fife or Dundee?

There is a app you can use to communicate if he likes watching a tablet you make grids and add pictures and they press what they want. Alot of our non verbal students use either this or a pex book to communicate. Xx

It does get better. A previous poster mentions the progress children make at school and the tools that are used there to help with routine and behaviour will also empower you. But it absolutely gets harder too. It's really tough having a child the size of a 6yr old with these needs and it's super tough when they're 16 (a big space outdoors and a wheelbarrow might help, or a treadmill if it suits them).

If you want to work on building your bond maybe try spending time cuddling him when he's asleep? Also look for social organisations nearby. Many will be for older children but the parents will remember what it was like at 3. Much harder to find things like that or accessible adventure playgrounds in non urban areas but if there is something then it might be worth travelling to meet people. Hard to explain without outing my area but we have places where adults with additional needs do things like gardening and so it's a comforting place to go to not feel self concious about the noises and stimming. My council does offer respite, but there are too few carers on the scheme so it's tough to get a place. Keep pushing though, keep asking. If you could get 4hrs once a month to focus on fun with your daughter it gives you something good to look forward to. Student volunteer centres occasionally have decent befriending projects too that could talk him for an hour or 2.

It can still be grim though. Allow yourself those feelings because it is so so tough.
You're doing great. Just keep swimming.

I am so sorry OP, this sounds like hell on earth.

This is not how it works. There is no such thing as a right to give up a child.

There is no.residential schools for a three year old ,there may have been 50 years ago but there are not anymore .

No advice OP but you are one strong woman and I couldn't even imagine how hard it is.
Big hugs x

What a brave an honest woman you are. I’ve been a single parent for years and have often thought the same. My children have no additional needs, but I have found parenting exhausting and overwhelming at times. It is not my choice to be a single parent anymore than it is yours to be in your situation. It’s very easy for people to judge, but not to walk in our shoes. You are a mother to two children. You need to do what you think is best for both of them and for you.

I absolutely agree.

God that’s just so shit for you, your feelings are completely valid.

In one way it’s good you’ve had DD so you’ve got to experience the highs of parenting but I would imagine it just highlights the lows with DS and you feel guilty at not being able to give her all the time and attention you want.

Could you push social by saying I will relinquish care if you don’t provide help? I would be screaming at anyone and everyone I could about safeguarding and my mental health etc just out of pure desperation to get some sort of help but hearing what others posters have said on here it looks like there’s fuck all support around.

Two.night ,s aweek??
We are supposed to.have two.nights a month agreed before last Xmas ,we haven't been able to.access it yet due to.no.staff

My son is now 7 but with the same issues (luckily I have no other children). It’s relentless and soul destroying. I keep thinking what it would be like to have a child you could just pop to the shops with, or bake, or play with.
it does get a bit easier once they go to school, which I know is no help to you just now. My wee one learned how to use PECS and uses the ‘two fists’ methods of communication and that made things slightly easier. Those suggesting just to “get respite” have no idea how difficult it is to access these services for a young child, who SS will argue requires the same level of supervision to any other young child.
no suggestions here, but i do hear you,

There are respite foster options. Dh and I want to offer this in a few years. My experience is that, depending on needs, a foster family gives regular respite (like one weekend a month). They usually build a relationship with the family too and dc gets used to the routine so it’s part of their normal. That would be a really good option to explore.