To refuse to agree to a visit from husband’s female friend

[Namechangedforthis222]

I just need to check if I’m being unreasonable here. Happy to be told I am. I have changed my username, but am a regular user.

My DH and I have 2 children. The youngest is 4 months old. All is going well. We have the occasional row, but mostly care for the kids 50:50.
Most family members have met the new baby, except my DH’s grandmother (kid’s great grandmother). She’s frail and we worry that she hasn’t got long to go.
This week, I randomly thought that we should really go visit the great grandma as it has been 4 months now. She lives 2.5 hours away by car and I’ll be doing all the driving as DH has a driving phobia (even though he has a licence). The whole thing was my plan and I knew I’d be doing all the driving and was happy to.

Here’s the issue. After agreeing to the trip today, yesterday husband suddenly remembered that his friend is visiting from Canada and staying in London for a week roughly. It seems he has made plans for her to visit the house this evening, after I would have spent 5 hours driving to see his grandma.
From the moment he mentioned it, I’ve said no, not on Saturday after that huge drive. The friend can visit any other day that’s not today. I want to come home from the drive and sit and watch some TV in peace. Full disclosure, I also don’t like this friend. We’re civil, but she’s one of those really extreme right wing Canadians, so we have very little in common.

DH has now woken up feeling angry that I won’t let his friend visit today. Apparently she’s only free today and DH doesn’t want to go meet her for dinner/drinks instead (he gets anxious with commuting).

Am I being unreasonable to say she cannot visit today after my 5 hour drive??

Honestly I'd grin and bare it. He should have warned you, or agree to go meet her though, ridiculous that a grown adult won't go and do that.

As a compromise could she visit & they sit in another room to catch up? Is she staying overnight or just visiting for a few hours?

I do understand wanting peace and quiet after 5 hours driving.

I wouldn't ever stop my partner inviting a friend round and I wouldn't expect him to stop me unless one of us was unwell. If I didn't want to see friend I'd just go hang out elsewhere in the house. I would just let him have his friend round and I'd go watch TV upstairs in peace personally. But if it's norm that you both have to agree to have people over then you are not unreasonable and he can go meet her out of the house.

Is he seeking any help for his driving phobia and the other phobias?

Maybe get a takeaway, help yourself then leave them to the rest of it!

Yes YABVVVU.

She’s his friend, he rarely gets to see her. Don’t try to ruin that opportunity just because you don’t like her. He does.

Just get through it and you can fully relax once she’s gone. It’s a one-off.

She's coming from Canada, it's 1 night - I'd say YABU. Also, she would likely meet him elsewhere, it's your DH's issues that are preventing that, not hers.

He's been a knob not telling you but I'd probably suck it up with conditions.

He cleans and tidies if needed, he shops for any snacks or wine or whatever and he does all the hosting when she's there.

Surely you can tolerate her for a couple of hours then go to bed because you're tired?

Or he gets to choose- fading granny or right wing friend.

I'm really confused as to why you put "female" in the title. It seems about as relevant as saying "my husband's ginger friend" or "my husband's two metre tall friend" unless there's some back story you are drip feeding to create more drama.

Personally I don't think a 5 hour drive is so long I'd need to take to bed and decline transcontinental guests but to me both you and your spouse sound like drama llamas.

Irrelevant.

Well actually I think YABU here. I also think the thread title is weird as it seems irrelevant that she's female.

Presumably it's his house too so why does he get overruled about his friend visiting? The trip was your idea even though you're thinking of him.

So I would let her come.

I would not feel guilty though about taking myself away from the situation. Claim illness (possibly COVID) and watch TV or read a book in my room. Or else go out for dinner nearby with apologies about a prior engagement (even if it's only with a good book).

Is there someplace near your house they could go instead? Bar/cafe/restaurant.

He seems to want it all his own way. He has a phobia of driving so you have to do it. He gets anxious going out the house so has to have friends round etc. Does he ever acknowledge how much his mental health impacts on your life because it makes him completely inflexible?maybe a conversation for another day. I sometimes drive that far in one day and I'm completely shattered. I think it's time for you to be completely inflexible. Yes she can come round but you won't speak to her, sit in the same room as her etc as you'll be too tired

I think you're being massively unreasonable - sorry!

It's just one night and she's only in the country for a few days. It's fine. Let him hang out with his mate.

They should 100% go out and leave you in peace (and DH needs counselling for his multiple transport phobias)

Why doesn't he just take her down the pub?

If I had a 4 month old baby and was still getting up in the night to feed etc, another child and 5 hours of driving to do I think I'd want an evening watching telly too.

Can't he have her over and you just say hi, excuse yourself and go for a long bath and early night?

Surely if you don't like each other, she'd prefer to catch up with her friend without you and vice versa?

No of course not, I would suck up looking after the kids while he meets her in the pub, but make sure you get a few hours off on Sunday in return.

The gets anxious while commuting thing needs sorting out though doesn’t it?

If it helps keep the peace for him to get an Uber do that, but I’d want him to address the anxiety asap - it gets worse if not treated.

Stick to your guns re the friend. No one wants to entertain after a 5 hour drive and their is no good reason he can’t meet her outside the house.

THERE

Yabu

He doesn’t have to see her at home, he should go and meet her somewhere else.

YANBU, he refuses to drive so you have to, he refuses to go out so you have to accommodate a guest after a long drive to see his family when you have a 4 month old and I'd imagine not the most energetic.
If he pulled any of the load it would be ok, like if he did the driving of course she can visit tonight, or if he really can't of course he could go and catch up with her over dinner. He seems unwilling to be inconvenienced in any way, but expects you to be
The only other option would be to postpone Grandma, but that seems unkind

Ok, well it’s good to see third party opinions. I’ve changed my mind. I guess I was unreasonable.
I’ll have to make my excuses and leave them to it later then. Thank you all.

It's one evening. This is just because you don't like her. Can't you visit granny tomorrow?

Not remotely unreasonable and your husband is a complete drip. If he wants to see his friend that much he can pull his finger out and make the effort.

I dint think you are unreasonable at all! With a 4 month old baby? I expect you are knackered at the best of times. He can go out and meet his friend and let you have some peace to relax as much as is possible with a small baby.