To refuse to agree to a visit from husband’s female friend

[Namechangedforthis222]

I just need to check if I’m being unreasonable here. Happy to be told I am. I have changed my username, but am a regular user.

My DH and I have 2 children. The youngest is 4 months old. All is going well. We have the occasional row, but mostly care for the kids 50:50.
Most family members have met the new baby, except my DH’s grandmother (kid’s great grandmother). She’s frail and we worry that she hasn’t got long to go.
This week, I randomly thought that we should really go visit the great grandma as it has been 4 months now. She lives 2.5 hours away by car and I’ll be doing all the driving as DH has a driving phobia (even though he has a licence). The whole thing was my plan and I knew I’d be doing all the driving and was happy to.

Here’s the issue. After agreeing to the trip today, yesterday husband suddenly remembered that his friend is visiting from Canada and staying in London for a week roughly. It seems he has made plans for her to visit the house this evening, after I would have spent 5 hours driving to see his grandma.
From the moment he mentioned it, I’ve said no, not on Saturday after that huge drive. The friend can visit any other day that’s not today. I want to come home from the drive and sit and watch some TV in peace. Full disclosure, I also don’t like this friend. We’re civil, but she’s one of those really extreme right wing Canadians, so we have very little in common.

DH has now woken up feeling angry that I won’t let his friend visit today. Apparently she’s only free today and DH doesn’t want to go meet her for dinner/drinks instead (he gets anxious with commuting).

Am I being unreasonable to say she cannot visit today after my 5 hour drive??

YABU - I would just suck it up in this case. Also even if you get your way your relaxing evening will be completely ruined by him being cross that she’s not there (and probably the entire drive will be grumpy as well). Really not worth it. If you’re too tired during the visit you can just have an initial chit chat and then say “right I’m off to bed now I’ll leave you two to catch up”.

As an aside, your DH seems like he needs some counselling if he can’t drive and also can’t leave the house without you driving him places.

She comes but as you have driven for 5 hrs and are knackered, you decamp to the bedroom and leave them to catch up.
But your DH sounds like a total limp lettuce, what medical help has he attempted to get for his various issues? Does he have a job ?

The issue isn’t the friend though is it, it’s the fact that your partner refuses to drive. So you’re doing something for HIS family and, luckily for him, he won’t bear the brunt of 5 hours of driving, and then have to be sociable enough to look after his friend, as he is too ‘phobic’.

You’re unreasonable to be annoyed at him having a friend over, but not unreasonable that he ‘remembered’ very conveniently after you already had plans, and absolutely not unreasonable that he is now angry with you. If it was anything else I’d suggest cancelling the visit to his family, and he can sort out something else - he sounds like the classic man child who can’t organise his own life and expects his wife to do all the mental load wrt his own family. But obvs as you say it’s an elderly relative; i suppose to play devils advocate, lots of people don’t care about babies and young kids, and she may well be one of them, so just make sure you’re not taking on his obligations to his own family for no reason.

I don't think it's irrelevant at all. If it's something he's addressing to reduce the impact on his wife and family then I'd be much more inclined to make allowances in OP's shoes. If he's just putting all of this burden on OP all the time without bothering to seek any help, no I wouldn't be significantly inconveniencing myself for the second time in a single day.

And basically I agree with this. If he’s so inflexible, then that’s what you deserve to be too. Madness that anyone with two kids can’t drive, yet is clearly in situations where they need to be driven. What would have happened if he had kids with someone else who couldn’t drive?

He does have a job (works from home, pays well). He managed to commute into London last week, but I think it stressed him out a lot. He’s working on the phobias, but is taking it slowly.

What else falls on your because of your husbands “anxiety”. It seems like a get out clause in your house maybe you should say you’re too anxious about having her in the house.

Imagine the reverse: “my wife can’t drive due to mental health issues, nor does she find it easy to leave the house to socialise. She has a friend she rarely sees who has come all the way from Canada, and has invited her to our house so they can catch up. The friend is only available this one night before she returns. But I have done a lot of driving today, and I don’t like her friend. So I’m ignoring them both and not speaking to either of them and I’m deliberately sitting in another room to avoid them.”

See how that works? You’d be up in arms at the emotional blackmail and childishness if it was the other way round, I’m sure.

The OP can suck it up for one night for her husband and his friend. Five hours driving is not a trek to the Antarctic. It’s less than a day at work.

And maybe they can look into getting him some future help for his defibrillating metal health issues which are impacting both their lives.

Female friend?
Not just friend?

Can we maybe remember that mental health difficulties are real and debilitating and not mock a person with anxiety.

Why would you advise someone mocking her partner’s mental health issues by faking her own, just to get out of something banal? What an awful thing to do.

Haha I won’t be mean.

He genuinely does have anxiety. I know he’s had panic attacks on the Tube in the past. He’s getting some help and has made some progress.
He genuinely pulls his weight in other areas, he’s just disorganised and anxious about travelling.
I wish he’d told me about this when I was making grandma plans is all. Now the grandma is very excited about today’s visit so we can’t cancel.

You’ve said exactly what I wanted to say. All these phobias to pull out whenever convenient. I’m sure if OP wasn’t around (not saying LTB it wishing anything bad on her) he’d magically overcome these phobias. And if the phobias are bad he does need to get counselling for them.

I think you would be unreasonable to say the friend can’t come if she’s come all the way from Canada, but not at all unreasonable to say a quick hello then go to lie down because you’re tired after the long drive and leave them to catch up.

If your scenario was what was happening, I’d 100% agree with you. But add in the fact that a woman with two kids, one of whom is a 4 month old, has suggested, organised and doing all the heavy lifting for her husbands family that day, and the husband forgot he had previous plans and is now angry that those plans conflict, and it’s a different thing entirely. (Full disclaimer, my ex is exactly the same, can’t drive, won’t drive, and expects the world the revolve around those two facts)

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

He agreed to the trip to visit his grandmother knowing that all the driving would fall to you and forgot to mention the friends visit. If he'd flagged when the trip to visit his grandmother was first mentioned you could have arranged another weekend to see her and avoided a 5 hour drive followed by guests for the evening.

How do you forget a friend's visit when it's so infrequent and involves international travel and why did he not mention it when he first made arrangements with his friend?

Under normal circumstances I don't think you should have the right to veto his friends visiting but it does seem that in his case you are the one making the sacrifice for his forgetfulness and range of travel phobias.

Defibrillating ?

My best friend lives in a different country and when visiting is always welcome here. I can't imagine any circumstances DH would forbid a visit in our home. Even if he was knackered he'd at the very least have a coffee and catch up and then excuse himself to go upstairs and chill.

Could you suggest they go out to a local pub?

All the anxiety and disorganisation and anxious about travelling could and should be sorted out in counselling especially as it’s overtaking his life.

I get him re the anxiety though as I’ve struggled with that in the past.

It did sound thoughtless of him and disorganised though as it impacts and upsets others, so that’s something I’d kindly want to sort out with him, so this doesn’t happen again.

I would say hi to her, share a half hour courtesy drink then make my excuses to your bedroom and leave them to their own. Telling your partner he cannot see her oh well… it’s his home too.

So if you hadn't planned the visit to Grandma, when exactly would he have mentioned that the friend was coming to visit....a few minutes before she turned up? Presumably her trip isn't a last minute decision and she has planned where and who she visits whilst in the country? I find it a bit odd that the day before she's due on your doorstep, it's taken you making other plans for DH to "suddenly remember". I'd be more pissed off about that, tbh.

You're being pretty dramatic about a 5 hour (round trip) drive tbh, although I understand you have a small baby, but I don't really think it's acceptable for you to "allow" or disallow a visitor your DH has invited. If you'll be too tired just make some polite chit chat then explain you've had a long day and go upstairs?

Or is it the female bit you don't like? As you've mentioned it but it's not really relevant.

Two young children and a DH with driving phobias, commuter anxieties and female friends that he likes staying over.. lol I hope for your sake OP he significantly over indexes in others areas eh

Quite!

(Although I wonder if you're resenting him for not driving and not being able to go out as well, and I can empathise with that, he's an adult and needs to address those issues).