To refuse to agree to a visit from husband’s female friend

[Namechangedforthis222]

I just need to check if I’m being unreasonable here. Happy to be told I am. I have changed my username, but am a regular user.

My DH and I have 2 children. The youngest is 4 months old. All is going well. We have the occasional row, but mostly care for the kids 50:50.
Most family members have met the new baby, except my DH’s grandmother (kid’s great grandmother). She’s frail and we worry that she hasn’t got long to go.
This week, I randomly thought that we should really go visit the great grandma as it has been 4 months now. She lives 2.5 hours away by car and I’ll be doing all the driving as DH has a driving phobia (even though he has a licence). The whole thing was my plan and I knew I’d be doing all the driving and was happy to.

Here’s the issue. After agreeing to the trip today, yesterday husband suddenly remembered that his friend is visiting from Canada and staying in London for a week roughly. It seems he has made plans for her to visit the house this evening, after I would have spent 5 hours driving to see his grandma.
From the moment he mentioned it, I’ve said no, not on Saturday after that huge drive. The friend can visit any other day that’s not today. I want to come home from the drive and sit and watch some TV in peace. Full disclosure, I also don’t like this friend. We’re civil, but she’s one of those really extreme right wing Canadians, so we have very little in common.

DH has now woken up feeling angry that I won’t let his friend visit today. Apparently she’s only free today and DH doesn’t want to go meet her for dinner/drinks instead (he gets anxious with commuting).

Am I being unreasonable to say she cannot visit today after my 5 hour drive??

I think it’s ok for you to be a bit pissed off but I don’t think you can say she can’t come.
This is a very rare occurrence presumably and just bad timing.
I would stick around for an hour to be polite then take myself to bed.

Thankfully she’s not staying over. I’ll suck it up for a couple hours visit.

As someone else mentioned, I think there is resentment about the fact that I’m always driving, but I knew he had anxiety before I married him, so that’s a choice I made, I guess.

I would let her come over but make yourself scarce. Enjoy some quiet time elsewhere in the house and get a takeaway.

He’ll be waking with the kids for the next 3 mornings. I’ll take that as a win!

Two young children and a DH with driving phobias, commuter anxieties and female friends that he likes staying over.. lol I hope for your sake OP he significantly over indexes in others areas eh

Quite. He needs to seek more effective help for his phobias. You’re carrying him.

Him having a little strop because you didn’t want to host his horrible friend after driving him hours to take his new baby to see his grandmother before she dies, is pretty yuk.

I’d agree to it. You have the perfect excuse to say you’re exhausted from the drive and need to nip off to bed.

OP has already said the anxiety is genuine and he’s getting help with it. They’re not ‘ phobias to pull out whenever convenient’ they are upsetting and debilitating symptoms of a very real condition which can be overwhelming and can (and in this case clearly does)affect the whole family. He can’t magically pull out a solution from the air, so you’re being ridiculous to even suggest it. You sound like an advocate of the ‘pull yourself together’ approach - yeah, that’ll work !!

OP gets to overrule because she is exhausted due to her DH having phobias. If he has issues that result in the OP having to exhaust herself with 5 hours driving then he has to accept that there will be compromised on his part. It's not all about him. The OP will be shattered. She wants an quiet home with no visitors after all that work. If he wants to meet friend they can go out or he can work on his issues so it's not all dumped on the OP. Phobias are not intentional but one has to accept that they will need to make compromises elsewhere

Five hours driving to HIS Gran and a four month old. How does anyone think you are being unreasonable..?

I think you are being over flexible. He needs to sort his MH as a priority. You need to stop enabling him (that’s not meant meanly at all - helping someone with work around a in the immediate term can often become enabling the behaviour to avoid the issue if the issue isn’t worked on at the same time - it’s not meant to sound like criticism in the slightest)

Good luck tonight. I’d tell them to find a local pub. He will feel less anxious commuting with his friend there!

His anxiety doesn’t trump your need to chill after a long day visiting grandma. He doesn’t get how tiring all that will be for you by the sound of it.

It’s absolutely unhinged to fake a very transmissible illness to avoid spending time with someone if it might also jeopardise your husband seeing her. She might not want to hang out with someone who’s been spending 5 hours in a tin can with a sick person and is probably ill themselves.

I have no idea sometimes why people can’t just be adult and say they’ve had a long drive, aren’t up to an evening of socialising so can they just say hello and duck out or the other half goes out somewhere with their friend. Far better than behaving like a child over it and making up a stupid story.

YANBU. He forgot he'd arranged for his friend to visit your house and only told you the day before?? After you're driving to facilitate his family meeting your new baby?

Could he not meet her in a local cafe or pub or anywhere that's not your house? And take a taxi if public transport won't work for him? You'll be exhausted when you get back and have a small baby at home.

If none of that is possible, I'd probably just make myself scarce for her visit. But I'd hope my DH would try to come up with another solution first.

Like most people, I voted YANBU. Your husband is a selfish arsehole who disregards your wishes. I'd make him drive the 5 hours if he wants his friend over. That would be the deal.

But I am just wondering why your husband is friends with her and what he remotely has in common with her if she is one of those really extreme right wing Canadians, so we have very little in common.

Why is your husband friends with her?

I think in your shoes I'd say that it was fine for friend to come, but I will be in the other room/going to bed at 9.

As an aside, enabling your husband's avoidant behaviours will reduce his incentive to overcome his anxiety.

Yes I'd like to know more about the extreme right wing bit, because if she's ranting Trump won and racism in your house YANBU at all!
If not then I agree suck it up. But also - no cafe or bar nearby they could decamp to?

You’re not unreasonable for wanting to avoid the visitor. People are saying it’s a 5 hour round trip are forgetting the actual time spent visiting. So it’s understandable you’ll be shattered as it will be a full day.

As for the digs at your OH’s anxiety and phobias - that just shows how much stigma and narrow mindedness there still is around mental health conditions. I’ve suffered anxiety all my life, mostly manageable, but since perimenopause hit, it has turned into a new beast. To the point I was verging on agoraphobic. I knew quickly that I couldn’t let it take hold and was able to get control but it was HARD. And I still have times where I feel anxious to the point of avoidance about doing things. It’s pretty soul destroying and often makes me feel ashamed and less than. The OP has already said he’s working on it so I don’t think there’s any point in berating him.

I agree with Ducks - you should just be able to say you’re not up to socialising and let your OH get on with it. Take yourself upstairs, get some treats, watch a film and chill.

Yeah right...for many women, it is an issue, doesn't make it rright or wrong.

You're not unreasonable but he sounds like a wet lettuce and my vagina would be dryer than the Sahara around a man like that.
I think the people saying yabu have missed the part where you have a tiny baby and will be doing all the driving. mumsnet is the only place where a 5 hour drive is no big deal; I'm knackered after an hour so 5 is huge and I'd want to just decompress and relax afterwards as well.
Tell him to meet in a pub or something; if you can do the drive and facilitate a meeting between baby and grandmother and have a solo night of parenting whilst he's entertains mrs trump, then he can at least do it in a bar somewhere

Him having a little strop because you didn’t want to host his horrible friend after driving him hours to take his new baby to see his grandmother before she dies, is pretty yuk.

He forgot she was visiting. Memory problems and muddied thinking/disorganisation are linked with depression and anxiety conditions, so the ‘strop’ as you so charmingly put it, is probably in some part frustration at his own oversight.

MN is an odd place sometimes. When a woman posts that she is having mental health difficulties the advice is that her partner should be supportive of her. Here we have the msn experiencing mental health issues and so far we’ve had comments such as it’s a ‘strop, she’s ‘carrying him’, the ‘phobias’ can be pulled out at will and his treatment isn’t effective enough !!

The OP knew about DH’s anxiety before they married so she’s in the best position to know how his condition affects him. She posted to ask whether she was being unreasonable about the visit after she’s had such a long drive, and instead she got a critique of her DH’s mental health condition/treatment. Thankfully she’s taken a kinder approach.

I agree with this (not the dry vagina part), he should be pampering you after driving with a baby. Also the woman shouldn't be staying long, not when there is a baby in the house.

IMO YABU, yes it’s shitty that he couldn’t be more organised but it was your idea to go and visit his gran and do the long drive, you already knew he would be to anxious to do this, this friend he clearly doesn’t get to see regularly, a few hours isn’t going to hurt it is?

anxiety is real, it’s quite disgusting how quickly people throw the “it’s convenient or he’s putting it on” card! It’s a form of mental health, my husband has been being treated for years over his anxiety/mental health the two come under the same category!

OP you’ve clearly stated you don’t like this friend, I think this is clouding your judgement to let her come round tbh, knowing that she can’t come any other day? Yes I think YABVU.

Why they are friends is totally irrelevant - it’s not what the OP asked. And why is anyone friends with anyone ? I don’t agree with a lot of my friends’ politics but we’re adults and don’t let it affect our relationships. And forcing someone with a mental health condition to face a very real fear because you consider their condition makes them a selfish arsehole isn’t the best approach is it ? Did you miss the fact that the OP knew about his MH issues before they married ?

Let her visit just excuse yourself with baby .
But, why is dh anxiety running your life?
What is he doing to address it?
Being able to drive but not...he can do nervous driver classes
Phobias..get help
You need to be able to leave child with him for few hours and later few days without worry
Imagine two kids later need to go to different classes or parties on the weekend and dh is unable to drive one. What will you do? You will need to hire in help on weekends.

I wouldnt want anyone visiting after a busy day. Some people dont understand this need for own space. Easier stay separate in a house than if you lived in a flat but still.

Just visit the grandma on another day...