To refuse to agree to a visit from husband’s female friend

[Namechangedforthis222]

I just need to check if I’m being unreasonable here. Happy to be told I am. I have changed my username, but am a regular user.

My DH and I have 2 children. The youngest is 4 months old. All is going well. We have the occasional row, but mostly care for the kids 50:50.
Most family members have met the new baby, except my DH’s grandmother (kid’s great grandmother). She’s frail and we worry that she hasn’t got long to go.
This week, I randomly thought that we should really go visit the great grandma as it has been 4 months now. She lives 2.5 hours away by car and I’ll be doing all the driving as DH has a driving phobia (even though he has a licence). The whole thing was my plan and I knew I’d be doing all the driving and was happy to.

Here’s the issue. After agreeing to the trip today, yesterday husband suddenly remembered that his friend is visiting from Canada and staying in London for a week roughly. It seems he has made plans for her to visit the house this evening, after I would have spent 5 hours driving to see his grandma.
From the moment he mentioned it, I’ve said no, not on Saturday after that huge drive. The friend can visit any other day that’s not today. I want to come home from the drive and sit and watch some TV in peace. Full disclosure, I also don’t like this friend. We’re civil, but she’s one of those really extreme right wing Canadians, so we have very little in common.

DH has now woken up feeling angry that I won’t let his friend visit today. Apparently she’s only free today and DH doesn’t want to go meet her for dinner/drinks instead (he gets anxious with commuting).

Am I being unreasonable to say she cannot visit today after my 5 hour drive??

Because she'll get a lie in?

Because she'll get chance for time to herself as he has?

Because its thoughtful?

Because he has a serious MH condition?

He's not selfish or a pig

I'd say yes only if he has both of the kids with them (providing you're not breastfeeding) and watches them with the friend. That will put a real dampner on it and she'll probably leave early.

I'd also say I'd put up with it.after driving 5 hours with the visit in between, you can plead tiredness and take yourself off to bed (with a good book) and leave husband to look after the kids and entertain his friend.

AGAIN, how the hell does a lay in the DAY AFTER, help her on.the.day when she has been driving for 5 hours? She needs the respite ON.THE.DAY, not 2 bloody days later!

She needs as the mother of basically a newborn baby that time ON.THE.DAY.

Making your wife, and mother of 2 children, one basically a newborn, drive for 5 hours, and then come back and get no respite that night is not 'thoughtful'. It's the exact fucking opposite!

Selfishness and manipulation and control is NOT a mental health condition.

He is absolutely a fucking selfish pig.

Thank you for typing all this out and saving me the bother. I couldn't agree more.

I hope, OP, that he will be stepping up and pulling his weight during the day, including taking the lead socially at granny's and looking after the DC. I really hope he appreciates all the effort you are making on his behalf, and that with a young baby.

@Sueveneers no, OP offered to drive them to see the grandma, he didn’t EXPECT her to at all, OP offered..

Some. Not all. And it’s ignorant to assume this is happening here when the OP hasn’t said anything to that effect, and has said several times that this is a long standing problem of which she was aware before they married. So she’s clearly on board with it and supportive of him, and doesn’t need to be told he’s a controlling arse when he’s actually suffering from a diagnosed MH problem for which he is getting treatment.

Can't believe the opinions I'm reading and telling OP she's BU. OP is solo driving 5 hours today to visit HIS granny, she also has a tiny baby so she'll be completely knackered come tonight. So now her absolute ninny of a partner suddenly announces he'll land her with a very difficult visitor and because of his weird hang-ups, can't take that visitor elsewhere? I'd be furious. OP YANBU in the slightest. Hand him the baby after you get back and have a long bubble bath with a glass of wine and a mystery novel. Oh and he owes you big time.

He didn’t make her do anything. She suggested and facilitated the trip and knew she would be driving. He forgot about the friends’ visit. This is a long standing MH problem of which the OP has always known and is supportive, and for which he is in treatment. And there is nothing in any of her posts to suggest he is using his condition to control her - in fact she points out that he pulls his weight in the relationship.

He is actively getting help for the condition and if he’s on medication, this could be affecting his behaviour, mood, memory and thought processes - and agoraphobia is frequently a symptom of anxiety/depression. But hey, let’s ignore all of that, and misinterpret/misread what she actually posted in favour of supporting your narrative that her DH hasn’t got a mental health condition at all, but is just a manipulative, selfish fucking pig. Because that’s what you read on MN relationship threads so it must be true.

Why are people assuming phobias are fake? Or is it only something women can have...driving, commuting and going out all fit together it's not like ohhh it's a phobia about driving but he always gets drunk, he hates water so can't bath our kids but baths himself thing.

Why are people assuming phobias are fake? Or is it only something women can have...driving, commuting and going out all fit together it's not like ohhh it's a phobia about driving but he always gets drunk, he hates water so can't bath our kids but baths himself thing.

More effective help??? Do you know how therapy works or how long he's been getting help it's not just one session and done.

@Babewhat thanks. I'm lucky in so far as we live close to our children's schools and the town centre, and there are busses to the nearest big town. It's definitely easier than it would be somewhere more rural. However DD1 has various appointments due to her SEN which it cuts the journey by half if he can drive her/us. I do feel it very keenly that it's a big burden on him to do all the driving and I do feel guilty about it. Part of me thinks I should try again, but I just can't see it happening (and can't imagine ever feeling confident behind the wheel) so it just feels like an exercise in self humiliation.

An awful lot of people overlooking that, and the fact that agoraphobia can play a part in anxiety/depression. An awful lot of people who clearly also have no idea of what living with crippling anxiety is like, and not appreciating that there can be little or no voluntary control over behaviour at times/ in different situations, and in response to triggers - or factoring in adverse effects of medication. There are also posts based on assumption rather than what the OP has actually said, and being rude and offensive without knowing the first thing about the person or the severity of the condition in question - or indeed about mental health in general judging by some of the comments. I suspect if the OP were a man posting about his wife, the responses would be very different.

OP has slready said he pulls his weight in the relationship. And in both your own post and the one you've quoted, there is no reference at all to the fact that you are both talking about a person with a significant long term mental health condition - beyond questioning his treatment and generally patronising the OP with questions about the sustainability of their relationship, completely disregarding the fact that she knew about his condition from the start.

Why would you be so dismissive of your loved ones mental health? He’s working on it, didn’t arrange to visit his Gran yet he’s using it as an excuse. Wow!

I think you’re projecting Sueveneers. He does 50:50, earns well etc but you’re calling him a ‘selfish pig’.
I also wouldn’t consider four months old being a newborn.
Some people’s comprehension on this site is incredibly poor or they are deliberately obtuse.

The answer to your question lies in the posters' use of inverted commas to highlight the word 'anxiety'. Complete failure to recognise /willingness to accept anxiety as the very real mental health condition it unfortunately is.

I am not projecting at all, but perhaps you are. I still say if your wife is driving 5 hours round trip for your baby to see your dying grandmother, he can surely forgo seeing his friend this once. If he won't, and is angry at her for it, he IS a selfish pig. No two ways about it. End of story. And 4 months old to me is still considered a newborn.

Feigning illness is just childish. Suggesting the OP could use Covid as an excuse is at a whole other level - how do you suppose people reading this who lost loved ones to Covid might feel?

I don't think you are being unreasonable BUT I cant see the point of digging your heels in. As others say, agree, with conditions (he's responsible for tidying up & entertaining), explain you're tired & do your own thing. If 5 hrs is a long drive for you thats all that matters. So what if its not long for others on here!? Less hassle in the long run I expect to just let it happen.

I'm not dismissive of mental health issues, far from it. I suffer from anxiety myself and have been in therapy for 14 years.
My point was more about his behaviour; waking up angry, snapping at the op, dismissing her concerns that she'll be tired and not in the mood to entertain etc.
lots of people are quick to say we need to be more supportive of mental health issues, feeling so progressive for discussing men's mental health and yet have no problem upholding patriarchal and sexist views such as women should bend over backwards, always be the ones who give in, women should be martyrs and put their needs below everyone else etc.
it is important that we don't trivialise mental health conditions but it's also crucial that we hold men responsible for shitty behaviour and dismissing his partners request for a quiet night after she's driven for 5 hours to see his dying grandmother and looked after their very young children because he wants to see a friend is shitty behaviour in my opinion that has nothing to worry his anxiety or phobias and everything to do with his entitlement and expectation that she will give in

There's nothing sexist or patriarchal about saying he should be allowed to see his friend

The visit was arranged by OP
She knew she'd have to do the driving so clearly doesn't have an issue about that.

His anger could well be at himself for failing to remember the visit

It's also not like this is a friend from down the road. She's coming from Canada. She's here for a week and has an itinerary. It's an unusual case and a little flexibility isn't entitled. She can still go upstairs or whatever and rest.

If this post centered around ops anxieties I wonder if people would be so quick to declare they made up and tell her her DH should also fake some to get even with her.

You say you suffer from anxiety yourself so you are not dismissive of mental health issues. Yet your post is exactly that. The OP was aware of his MH problems before they married, so is supportive of them, and in this case knew she would be driving. Yes, it’s a bit frustrating to find out there will be a visitor when you get back after hours behind the wheel but it’s not unreasonable on his part to expect to see his friend as arranged, whether he forgot to tell OP or not - she has options. And you’ve entirely missed the point that he wasn’t expecting the OP to do anything - she organised the trip herself. She says there’s no problem in the relationship, he steps up and pulls his weight, but she knows these anxiety related issues are genuine and he’s in treatment.

As you say, people are quick to point out that we need to be more supportive of MH issues but I don’t understand why you think it should be ‘progressive’ to discuss the fact that men have them too, given that the suicide rate among men with anxiety/depression in the UK this year so far, is four times that of women. You’re also dismissing the women who support their men through MH problems as having no problem in upholding patriarchal and sexist views, and describing them as martyrs.