To refuse to agree to a visit from husband’s female friend

[Namechangedforthis222]

I just need to check if I’m being unreasonable here. Happy to be told I am. I have changed my username, but am a regular user.

My DH and I have 2 children. The youngest is 4 months old. All is going well. We have the occasional row, but mostly care for the kids 50:50.
Most family members have met the new baby, except my DH’s grandmother (kid’s great grandmother). She’s frail and we worry that she hasn’t got long to go.
This week, I randomly thought that we should really go visit the great grandma as it has been 4 months now. She lives 2.5 hours away by car and I’ll be doing all the driving as DH has a driving phobia (even though he has a licence). The whole thing was my plan and I knew I’d be doing all the driving and was happy to.

Here’s the issue. After agreeing to the trip today, yesterday husband suddenly remembered that his friend is visiting from Canada and staying in London for a week roughly. It seems he has made plans for her to visit the house this evening, after I would have spent 5 hours driving to see his grandma.
From the moment he mentioned it, I’ve said no, not on Saturday after that huge drive. The friend can visit any other day that’s not today. I want to come home from the drive and sit and watch some TV in peace. Full disclosure, I also don’t like this friend. We’re civil, but she’s one of those really extreme right wing Canadians, so we have very little in common.

DH has now woken up feeling angry that I won’t let his friend visit today. Apparently she’s only free today and DH doesn’t want to go meet her for dinner/drinks instead (he gets anxious with commuting).

Am I being unreasonable to say she cannot visit today after my 5 hour drive??

DH has now woken up feeling angry that I won’t let his friend visit today. Apparently she’s only free today and DH doesn’t want to go meet her for dinner/drinks instead (he gets anxious with commuting).

Not your problem. You will have done many hours of driving to accommodate his family seeing your baby and you don't want her in your home.

He arranges to see her elsewhere if it's the only day she's available, or he doesn't see her. It's on him to sort, not you.

I'd also make a dealbreaker that he seeks help for his anxiety within a set timeline so you're not the one stuck doing all the running for you and the family forevermore.

Agree with this. Tell him ti get a grip and just meet in a nearby pub.

@Namechangedforthis222 I don't think you are unreasonable at all- but do think he needs to seek help re phobias as it's limiting options that would be obvious and better for you

I wonder what your reaction would've been had you read a man say that a woman's mental health issues made his dick go limp.

Deeply unpleasant way to talk about mental health conditions, we have such a long way to go.

I'd have driven the night before and stayed over at a hotel and then driven back. Driving five hours in one day with a new baby isn't ideal. Either that or you take the train or he drives part of the way if he wants to see his friend. He can't have it both ways.

Once again, these are not ‘phobias’ they are symptoms of what sounds like pretty severe anxiety disorder. For which he is already getting help. And the OP was aware of his MH problems before they were married. All of which you would know if you had read her posts.

OP is living with the effects of DH’s condition on a daily basis and is clearly supportive of him. This kind of condition inevitably affects others in the family so what others who love and care for him are doing to support him is just as important as what he is doing himself. Do you really imagine that OP is unaware of the issues you brought up in your patronising list ? Some of the attitudes towards mental health issues on this thread are breathtakingly ignorant.

Anyway in this situation: I'd've been pissed off that he forgot his friend was around meaning that what is essentially double-booking is his fault. However you can't forbid the visit, especially given where she lives and how few opportunities they get to see each other. I don't think it's so much driving that I couldn't say hi and chat for an hour, but after that I'd make myself scarce and/or suggest they go out to the pub. Obviously he should do the bulk of the hosting work in terms of food and drink.

In terms of how right-wing she is, I wouldn't have her in my house if she's bigoted or conspiracy-theorist in any way - obviously that's something I'd have hashed out in advance, not the week she lands in the country. I'd also question why my partner is friends with someone who holds those views. If she's just an ultra-capitalist banker type, or a bit libertarian, I'd roll my eyes but would suck it up.

She's over for a week, of course, she has plans. He wants to see his friend you can see relative at any time

I would be livid and I would be seeing my friend

RTFT. He is getting help and OP is supportive of a MH problem which has existed and of which she has been aware from before they were married. And ‘get a grip’ ?? For a diagnosed mental health problem for which he is being treated ? Really ?

Enjoy Grandma's visit.
Accept the guest though I would consider asking her to arrive at least an hour after you get back and you would not be rude to excuse yourself after a reasonable time with guest if you felt tired.

Ask husband to not make it too late a night and to organise catering - some tasty grown up food for you three.

Remind husband to be better at sharing and including you in plans for guests.

This. He does seem so Inflexible.

And I can't believe you are getting so much flack for this with two DCs, one a young baby, on top of a five-hour drive and visit to his GM - which you have suggested, facilitated and organised on his behalf.

We have similar visit distances and its tiring. We are expected to stay for lunch and tea and its tiring and I remember it being tiring with the DC too, trying to keep them from being too restless in a room full of breakables, whilst listening to quiet conversation. (DH often "naps" during the visit) then coming home, putting DC who'd been couped up all day in the car and in sitting rooms to bed etc...I'd want to collapse at home quietly before the next busy day of childcare too ( particularly when the day has disrupted 4 month old's routine and theyve slept in the car, and need bedtime feeds)

And waking up "angry"? What's that about. Angry at you because HE forgot to even mention he'd made plans. "Suddenly" remembering once the other plans you'd made on his behalf were in place and apparently the friend is only able to do Saturday and cannot do any other day. Well has he actually asked her? Or is she just inflexible too.
What is he doing to suggest a workable compromise?
Is he relying on the fact that he's angry to force you into backing down and putting up with it?

I'd concede that the friend is only over from Canada for a short while, but.
However, I'd also consider:
How much effort is he going to put into getting the children up and ready for the journey and the visit, and keeping them sorted out during visit and in the car?
How much effort will he put into getting them fed and into bed on the return.
Is he expecting a meal prepared for the friend?
Who is shopping and cooking and tidying the house for that?
Has he worked out how much time there will be all the above when you get home before the friend turns up. What if there's heavy traffic on the way home.?

Is the friend the type who will muck in and help or will they expect it to be all calm and organised on arrival?

Has he offered to get a takeaway, take her to a local restaurant?

Its fine for him to ask for friend to visit - but given that he's almost double booked you - what is he prepared to do to lighten the load? Or is he just going to display how angry he is that he can't have things exactly the way he wants them and for you to facilitate that?

If he's not getting help with the things that are preventing him going out and driving etc and in effect constraining your family life, how sustainable is that now that you have two DC?
Why does he think its OK for you to always carry the extra load? Does he try to balance that by helping in other ways? How do you feel about being assigned that role long term?

Lucky OP has shown to be much more reasonable about the situation than many posters on here.

Just say hello and then go upstairs or into another room, OP. It's good that he's working on his anxiety. That's important.

Pampering because of driving with a baby and having to cut short because a ababy is a round do people really put their whole lives on hold because a baby has been born?

There are women who don't drive and have mh issues and people on here say how understanding their partners have to be

It's amazing anyone is allowed on here if they have a baby as the world should be on hold it seems

Hi OP. Sorry I missed your updates saying that he is getting help but taking it slowly. That's a positive, but I still think this incident highlights that there should be a rethink to balance things out for the longer term so that its sustainable nowyou have two dc.

Agree. This thread is full of ignorance as to the effects of MH conditions, and this post is particularly shocking. Surprised it hasn’t been deleted. There’s a massive imbalance in the advice given to women who post about their own MH conditions on MN and those who do so about those of their partners. Women are advised to expect their partner to step up and be supportive, but clearly according to MN men with MH issues shouldn’t expect the same - they should ‘get a grip’ as one poster put it, advising that the OP should force her DH to face his ‘phobia’ and drive the five hour trip !!

Almost one in ten men in the UK experienced depression or anxiety in 2023 but less than half received treatment because the stigma perceived to be attached to male MH issues stopped them from seeking help. And more than four times as many men as women die by suicide every year as a result. Reading some of the attitudes on MN towards male MH issues expressed here it’s not hard to see why.

I think the OP is reasonable, much more reasonable than her DH who has "woken up angry" because she pointed out that his double booking has made the evening more difficult for her.

Also she might not feel comfortable with just saying hello quickly and then vanishing off to her bedroom, which is admittedly one solution

She's agreed to go ahead with it, but that doesn't mean that his behaviour is helpful or considerate, particularly waking up "angry" with the woman who has been supporting and helping him.. Its not unreasonable to question whether this is sustainable and whether they should both rethink the situation and long term plan now they have two DC.

I’d have takeaway dinner with them, open a bottle of wine and then make my excuses (had a long drive, migraine, please do excuse me) and scoot off to bed with my ipad. It’s your husbands friend so you aren’t required to participate after basic welcoming/pleasantries.

He's using his anxiety to control you, you have to drive, you have to host because he won't take a train?

Nah. He needs to act like a grown up as opposed to a toddler having a play date.

You clearly missed the fact that the OP has been aware of his MH difficulties from before they were married. She clearly understands the issues involved and only posted about this one event. Why are you patronising her ?

I'd be annoyed I didn't know at the time of inviting her over, isn't it common courtesy to check there's nothing else going on, or given the age of the baby that you even want evening visitors full stop?

But agree with the decision to let her come and just make my excuses seeing as they see each other so rarely.

So women use their mh to control men?

I wondered how long it would be before someone posted about control. Suggest you go away and educate yourself about male mental health issues before posting such ignorant garbage.

@WandaWonder

Anxiety is horrible but it should never be used to control another person. The husband perhaps could have walked, cycled or taken a taxi to a venue to meet his friend? That would be completely reasonable and meet both his and OP's needs

No wonder mental illness is still so taboo. Some of these answers are shocking. He’s a wet lettuce, he’s a complete drip. My vagina would be drier than the Sahara. I really don’t understand why some people still see mental illness as something to mock.

Honestly as a one off I'd grin and bear it. She's coming from Canada, it's hardly a regular thing. I'd probably say to her, "I'm so sorry, I'm not being anti social, I'm just absolutely exhausted from my drive today" then take yourself off for a lay down.