AIBU for feeling bitter about friends baby shower after they ignored us for my entire pregnancy?

[Blondemummy1]

My close friend's partner had two miscarriages. When my partner and I announced our pregnancy, our friend completely ignored us for the entire pregnancy as it reminded them of their loss. I understood and let them do what they needed to do. They are now pregnant again and are due next month. We have congratulated them and asked how they are etc but aren't getting much back.

Now my baby has been born, my friend has said he'd visit us that week (as our other, mutual friend told him that he was being rude by not doing so)however he never replied to the message i sent back telling him my our availability and that a visit would be great. This was weeks ago now. Thats all weve had from him despite reaching out to them multiple times. His partner has not spoken to us since finding out I was pregnant. I feel as though our baby is being punished or shunned by them just for being born.

Our mutual friend has planned a baby shower for them and has invited my partner and I. We said we'd attend and have bought them some bits, but have said that we will need to bring our baby as we will not be leaving him with anyone to be looked after yet. We will also be chipping in to pay for their meals at the shower.

AIBU for not really wanting to go to the baby shower and feeling hurt for ourselves and our baby? Obviously I understood theyve had an awful time but I cant help feeling hurt for my baby and it's really playing on my mind.

Kindly, this isn't about your baby but about them dealing with loss. Even now as they await the arrival of this baby I imagine there is still a lot of stress and anxiety.

If I were you, I would probably swerve the baby shower but send a token gift.

See if you can arrange a get together maybe with your friend and without his partner if you think you can have an honest chat with him?

Congratulations on your baby.

Don't take offence. When I went through a loss. The anxiety never went in the next pregnancy till baba was in my arms.

Their behaviour isn’t about you and your baby, it’s about their loss and their difficulty to come to terms with it. But, their behaviour is rude and I would keep my distance. They may well apologise to you in the future, in which case I would do my best to get the friendship back to normal, but in the absence of an apology I would find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that they were unable to put their feelings aside and even send a card or some other gesture if a visit was too painful. And I say this as someone who experienced 3 miscarriages whilst surrounded by friends who were constantly birthing healthy babies.

You are taking a lot of stuff very personally, when I don't think it sounds like any of this is about you at all.

Go to the baby shower if you would enjoy it, or want to support your friend.

Otherwise, don't go

Well you're out of order for agreeing to go in the first place, I mean why would you?

I wouldn’t go. They have been rude.

I wouldnt go

Why on earth would you go to a baby shower for them? I wouldn't. Do you actually want to have a friendship with them, or are you trying to be seen to do what is right?

I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't write them off as friends either. Once baby is here, see how the friendship goes but it sounds like going to the baby shower could be awkward and stressful possibly for you and/or them. I would make an excuse and then get back in touch once their baby has arrived in the hope that it was anxiety making them keep their distance.

I feel as though our baby is being punished or shunned by them just for being born.

I think that ^^ is a bit OTT though.

It's quite clear they're not thinking about your baby at all, or you for that matter.

Unfortunately with children some friendships fade, for different reasons. I agree that they’ve come to associate you with thoughts of babies. I’m so sorry but it sounds like they’ve drifted away. I’d also say sorry can’t make it as mad send a gift x

This is about their loss, not you or your baby, I think you’re being very self centred.

My best friend and I both got pregnant within weeks of one another. She went on to have a beautiful little boy, and I miscarried. It was an incredibly difficult time, and very very hard seeing her get increasingly more pregnant. The first time I held her son it took everything in me not to burst in to tears. BUT, despite my own grief, I was incredibly happy for her and her partner. My partner and I were grieving, but we were also celebrating my friend and her family. Two opposing ends of the feelings spectrum can exist alongside one another - they are not mutually exclusive emotions. How you deal with it is the hardest part. Years later, when I eventually had a son of my own, my friend spoke about how much kindness and love I showed her despite my own grief being there. That meant so much, and I think really it made us even closer as friends.

Grief is incredibly difficult, but it does not excuse someone becoming rude and self absorbed. I would say that your friends actions tell you all you need to know - they're not the sorts of friends I would want to keep in touch with!

I get where you are coming from. They want you to honour their baby, but they haven’t honoured yours.

They have experienced loss and grief that they're clearly still struggling to process. If they were my friends, I would not hold that against them and would be delighted to attend their baby shower.

I've had losses but managed to at least send congratulations to new parents, even when I actively avoided them as much as possible. Completely ignoring you and then expecting you to turn up at a baby shower with gifts and attention is rude.

I wouldn't go.

@Changingplace How am I being self centred?

They didn't plan the baby shower or expect OP to celebrate their baby, a mutual friend planned it and sent the invites.

@Blondemummy1 is that a genuine question?

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog it seems as though lots of people on here disagree with you.

Don't go. They don't want a relationship anymore, for whatever reason. They clearly don't want to to see your child and I don't think they'll appreciate seeing it at the baby shower. Politely decline and send a small gift if you wish.

This

@Blondemummy1 You are incredibly self centred from what you have posted here. You can't imagine why your 'friends' might be keeping their distance and are complaining because they haven't called to pay hommage to you within weeks, even though you claim to understand their history. All I can say is thank god I do not have friends like you.