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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for feeling bitter about friends baby shower after they ignored us for my entire pregnancy?

130 replies

Blondemummy1 · 01/09/2023 18:04

My close friend's partner had two miscarriages. When my partner and I announced our pregnancy, our friend completely ignored us for the entire pregnancy as it reminded them of their loss. I understood and let them do what they needed to do. They are now pregnant again and are due next month. We have congratulated them and asked how they are etc but aren't getting much back.

Now my baby has been born, my friend has said he'd visit us that week (as our other, mutual friend told him that he was being rude by not doing so)however he never replied to the message i sent back telling him my our availability and that a visit would be great. This was weeks ago now. Thats all weve had from him despite reaching out to them multiple times. His partner has not spoken to us since finding out I was pregnant. I feel as though our baby is being punished or shunned by them just for being born.

Our mutual friend has planned a baby shower for them and has invited my partner and I. We said we'd attend and have bought them some bits, but have said that we will need to bring our baby as we will not be leaving him with anyone to be looked after yet. We will also be chipping in to pay for their meals at the shower.

AIBU for not really wanting to go to the baby shower and feeling hurt for ourselves and our baby? Obviously I understood theyve had an awful time but I cant help feeling hurt for my baby and it's really playing on my mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blondemummy1 · 02/09/2023 15:59

phoenixrosehere · 02/09/2023 14:16

I never said they were hurting my babies feelings, I said it felt as though baby was being punished because he was born and theirs wasn't.

How is your baby being punished? Did you secretly want a baby shower and no one else in the group threw you one? If so, that isn’t on this couple, but the rest of the group. Is this the only couple that hasn’t visited you or have some others not done so?

You say you understand with their last miscarriage yet with this pregnancy, that understanding has lowered because they’re still being distant. You have a healthy baby that is a reminder of the previous one they lost that would have been about the same age as yours. They have yet to have a healthy baby and are hoping that this one makes it to term. They really aren’t going out of their way to upset you or punish your baby. Their focus is on having their own.

As pps have said, if you are all as close as you say, things may change once their baby is born and they may reach out to you then.

Show quote history

No, as I said in a previous post, i wasnt fussed about having a baby shower and it's not a case of i didnt get a baby shower so im not attending theirs. I think that's a pretty trivial claim to make. Their baby wouldnt have been the same age as mine, this happened a few years ago.

OP posts:

debbrianna · 02/09/2023 16:10

Honestly, I think they are rude and selfish. Not friends and if I were me I would not go.

It would not surprise me if your friendship has always been one sided.

debbrianna · 02/09/2023 16:12

LuluJili · 01/09/2023 19:05

Let it go.

You're taking it way too personally and taking offence on behalf of a newborn.

Your friends not arranging to come and see your newborn is a completely separate issue to you being invited to their baby shower by a different friend organising it.

If you don't want to go because you feel bitter or hurt then don't go.

But they're different circumstances.

But the friends did take it personally by ignoring the op. Just because the op had her baby her feelings can't be justified? They are meant to be friends for goodness sake.

Isitjustme03 · 02/09/2023 16:38

I’ve been on both sides OP and both sides can come with a lot of different emotions.

I got pregnant the same week as my best friend did and our due dates were the same day! We were so excited. Unfortunately I lost my pregnancy (twins). Watching her bump grow and her baby arrive was such a mixture of emotions. Happiness but jealousy at the same time. I will hold my hands up and say I didn’t “handle” things the best after my loss and I did hide from her, I didn’t attend her shower and wasn’t there throughout her pregnancy. I guess that can be seen as rude but after losing my twins I ached seeing pregnant woman and the thought of talking about babies with anyone made me cringe. I really went through a lot of grief and I can understand to my friend that she may of thought I wasn’t happy for her, I was but I just couldn’t face it.

Then I got pregnant and now have my 5 month DS. I have a friend who has had 3 losses and infertility and it can be hard when she has to have space from me or when she stopped seeing me since my son arrived (she met him the other day for the first time) because I had been on the loss side, I have learnt a lot more empathy and I totally understood even if it was hard that she just couldn’t be there or happy for me sometimes. And that’s totally ok!

Everyone acts totally different after loss and sometimes grief makes us do things that aren’t “right” or “logical” but at the time we can’t see through the darkness. I would say don’t go to the shower m, but try a little to put yourself in their shoes. Losing 2 babies is like losing a lifetime of hopes for the future you had

congratulations on your baby xx

Lottie2shoes · 02/09/2023 20:44

@fitzwilliamdarcy No I would never tell anyone off. Nor would I order someone to go see someone.

As I said, I have been in the grieving couple's shoes, so I can see how hard it might be for them.
I would however gently explain that someone, in this case the OP, is feeling hurt too. Understandably she also has a right to feel hurt too and to maybe if they feel they can, they may want to reach out and explain their grief etc is stopping them from contact etc.

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