AIBU for feeling bitter about friends baby shower after they ignored us for my entire pregnancy?

[Blondemummy1]

My close friend's partner had two miscarriages. When my partner and I announced our pregnancy, our friend completely ignored us for the entire pregnancy as it reminded them of their loss. I understood and let them do what they needed to do. They are now pregnant again and are due next month. We have congratulated them and asked how they are etc but aren't getting much back.

Now my baby has been born, my friend has said he'd visit us that week (as our other, mutual friend told him that he was being rude by not doing so)however he never replied to the message i sent back telling him my our availability and that a visit would be great. This was weeks ago now. Thats all weve had from him despite reaching out to them multiple times. His partner has not spoken to us since finding out I was pregnant. I feel as though our baby is being punished or shunned by them just for being born.

Our mutual friend has planned a baby shower for them and has invited my partner and I. We said we'd attend and have bought them some bits, but have said that we will need to bring our baby as we will not be leaving him with anyone to be looked after yet. We will also be chipping in to pay for their meals at the shower.

AIBU for not really wanting to go to the baby shower and feeling hurt for ourselves and our baby? Obviously I understood theyve had an awful time but I cant help feeling hurt for my baby and it's really playing on my mind.

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog The planning was part of a group chat where everyone was asked when they were free, which our friend is a part of. I could hardly turn round and say im not free given that im on maternity leave now could I. Attending the shower to celebrate their baby and bringing a few bits is called being supportive and is the polite, done thing to do.

I think people handle grief and anxiety differently. Just because some people manage to soldier on with a brave face doesn't mean everyone can. They are friends, and this is their only transgression. Cut them some slack. They are not punishing your baby. Once theirs is here safely I am sure things will be different.

Let it go.

You're taking it way too personally and taking offence on behalf of a newborn.

Your friends not arranging to come and see your newborn is a completely separate issue to you being invited to their baby shower by a different friend organising it.

If you don't want to go because you feel bitter or hurt then don't go.

But they're different circumstances.

What's the age difference between the babies OP? From what you've written it sounds like your baby is very young, which would mean your friend has been pregnant for a lot of your pregnancy? If that's correct then they've been very rude to keep ignoring you.

I say that as someone who tried for years to get pregnant and then found out at the 12 week scan I'd had a MMC. Within two months I had my SiL on my sofa trying to gently explain she was pregnant (honeymoon baby). I congratulated her and BIL on their own pregnancy and just collapsed in tears when they'd gone. I didn't ignore her throughout the pregnancy either, as she didn't deserve that. I get that not all people are able to do that though.

When I had two losses, one being very traumatic, I really struggled being around pregnant couples, it was so painful. It's nothing personal and although I knew it was no one's fault, I really wasn't myself. I was in a bubble of pain. Give this friend a chance this time.

If someone ignored me for a year(?) I would assume we weren’t friends any more.

This, exactly.

You sound amazing, @JayJayEl

The friends the OP talks about don't sound like friends at all. I'd distance myself from them completely.

Bollocks.

The 'friends' are being rude and unreasonable.

I suffered two losses, and I did not enjoy my pregnancy when I finally did stay pregnant as I was worried every moment we would lose it . It wasn’t till I held my baby in my arms that I relaxed.

You are lucky you have no idea of pregnancy loss (unless a massive drip feed is coming). Also the grief doesn’t go away even when you do have a life birth.

My friends were incredibly supportive, one close friend who lives some distance from us, never spoke to me about her pregnancies but kept in touch with me and kept me sane during an awful Ivf and loss journey.

I think that you are an awful friend, better to not go and let the friendship slide. She’s better off without you.

@TicTacNicNak my baby was born in end of May, theirs is due in October. About a 4 and a half months difference.

@Blondemummy1 Then you should have gone as a good and understanding friend or not at all. If you were a true friend you would have thought, 'After all X and Y have been through, thank goodness they are at the stage for a Baby shower and how nice we will be able to experience maternity leave togather'. Not come up with some drama that they are 'shunning and punishing' your safely arrived baby, by waiting a few weeks to visit you.

@electriclight exactly this

Horrible thing to say to op. Ive had 3 losses before having DD and was the last of all my friends to successfully give birth. It pained me but it didn't stop me being happy for my friends and wishing them well.

You aren't being unreasonable op. I would go to the baby shower, don't say anything to them about how they've been and just try and be happy for them. The situation will probably settle down when they have their baby here.

I think you can be sensitive and kind without participating in a dynamic where they ignore you and in return you attend their baby shower and buy them a present. Especially not by invitation from a mutual friend. Her miscarriage isn’t about you but the choices you make and where you choose to position yourself in friendship dynamics are about you. Personally I’d be assuming this friendship was over unless she reaches out to you herself.

@Thelonelygiraffe Based on my experiences of infertility and losses, I don't think they are being at all rude. Each new arrival of friends' children whilst I was aching for one of my own was like open heart surgery without pain relief. I love my friends and way glad for them, but the pain and jealousy were unbearable. Luckily my friends understood and allowed DH and I to do what we felt comfortable with, without taking it personally and dropping us.

I don't think they deserve your presence after the way they treated you. Their loss wasn't your fault , I definitely wouldn't go.

I think it's fine to accept you just might not be close anymore and not go. Just because you're on maternity leave doesn't mean you have 0 plans surely? Just say you're busy, send them your best wishes and leave them to it. You aren't obliged to go to anything, regardless of how you've been treated.

Some people do just pick up and drop friends easily. Some people don't mind those kind of slightly fair-weather friendships but you obviously feel like it's not worked for you, and that's fine.

I'm not up to speed with baby showers, but is it usual to take babies? I thought it was a bit like wearing white at a wedding. The shower is all about the baby on the way, and an actual baby at a shower gets a lot of the attention.

I only mention this because as the relationship between you and the friends seems to be on a tightrope, one mis-step could finish it off pretty dramatically.

Yes - I agree. It is not easy congratulating folks on the arrival of babies when you’ve had losses and/or infertility. I’ve dealt with it in both circumstances, but must people can at least send a short message or a card.

I made myself do it because I cared about those people.

I think (as usual), many posters aren't reading the OP.

The baby shower is being organised by a 3rd party friend who very likely doesn't know the Mum and Dad -to-be haven't been to visit the OPs newborn.

So it's not the baby shower expectant parents expecting the OP to come or being shit, selfish friends who've ignored her baby and want presents.

It's just a friend group who don't know how OP is feeling or what's happened and are just organising an event.

So OP shouldn't take it personally or take offence but also fine if she doesn't want to go.

I'm sure OP would be hurt and offended if she wasn't invited. THEN she'd maybe have a reason to think her newborn was being punished or shunned.

Well, that was your experience. I think OP's friends have been very rude. As others have said on this thread, it's possible to grieve your own babies without blanking and ignoring friends.

Exactly @LuluJili

Respectfully, you can’t hold other people to your own (high) standards of behaviour. You behaved admirably, but not everyone is able to process grief alongside behaving well and cordially towards a friend who was giving birth to a healthy baby while grieving their own.

I’ve never been the woman miscarrying, but I’ve been the friend with the healthy newborn standing outside the church where the funeral of twins born at 24 weeks was taking place, and regretfully realising that the best and only thing I could do for my grieving friends was to tell them I loved them, I would always remember their babies’ names, and step away, for good if necessary.