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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling bitter about friends baby shower after they ignored us for my entire pregnancy?

130 replies

Blondemummy1 · 01/09/2023 18:04

My close friend's partner had two miscarriages. When my partner and I announced our pregnancy, our friend completely ignored us for the entire pregnancy as it reminded them of their loss. I understood and let them do what they needed to do. They are now pregnant again and are due next month. We have congratulated them and asked how they are etc but aren't getting much back.

Now my baby has been born, my friend has said he'd visit us that week (as our other, mutual friend told him that he was being rude by not doing so)however he never replied to the message i sent back telling him my our availability and that a visit would be great. This was weeks ago now. Thats all weve had from him despite reaching out to them multiple times. His partner has not spoken to us since finding out I was pregnant. I feel as though our baby is being punished or shunned by them just for being born.

Our mutual friend has planned a baby shower for them and has invited my partner and I. We said we'd attend and have bought them some bits, but have said that we will need to bring our baby as we will not be leaving him with anyone to be looked after yet. We will also be chipping in to pay for their meals at the shower.

AIBU for not really wanting to go to the baby shower and feeling hurt for ourselves and our baby? Obviously I understood theyve had an awful time but I cant help feeling hurt for my baby and it's really playing on my mind.

OP posts:
Pancakefam · 01/09/2023 20:05

I've had a similar situation in which a friend of mine still can't act normally with my 2 year old because I was pregnant when they experienced a loss. They're fine with other babies and children. With hindsight, I wish I'd nipped our friendship in the bud because it's crap when your friends hold a grudge against your innocent little bundle of joy! It's a bit late now, but I have put in some distance since.

Hawkins0009 · 01/09/2023 20:05

Not sure what to say other than all the best op

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 01/09/2023 20:07

This reply has been deleted

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SheSaidHummingbird · 01/09/2023 20:16

@Blondemummy1 "but I cant help feeling hurt for my baby"

Your baby doesn't care! It's about you - fair enough - but this time, their pain trumps yours (a lot.)

MCOut · 01/09/2023 20:19

I don’t think you should go OP. Grief can make people self centred and this is normal. It isn’t wrong for them to put themselves first and yes you should try to understand but the reality is it’s never nice to be on the receiving end of selfish behaviour. Not sure why you’re getting so much grief when you haven’t don’t anything but admit you’ve found it difficult. It’s not as if you’ve burdened them with your feelings.

There are big emotions all round and I agree with PP who said there’s a higher risk of fall out if one side does something that under normal circumstances might not attract comment. The baby they’ve not acknowledged stealing attention might upset them.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 01/09/2023 20:22

Why are you so hurt for your baby? Hurt for yourself I get, but your baby doesn’t have a clue about any of this so won’t care.

I get that you’re upset and feel hurt but think how this must have been for them, also they’re baby isn’t here yet so they’re probably feeling really anxious.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2023 20:28

This turned into an ugly nightmare very quickly.

I don’t think you should go and I wouldn’t bother with them again. They don’t sound like nice people and miscarriages and infertility don’t excuse people behaving as they have. I lost 5 babies before having my first and managed not to be a dick.

OP, I’d leave this thread 💐

Chippy4me · 01/09/2023 20:28

We have congratulated them and asked how they are etc but aren't getting much back.

Depending on how much you’re ‘getting back’ would help me make up my decision.

If they’re just not as fast at replying or not as active as getting in touch as they used to be, then I’d go to the baby shower.

But if they’re completely blanking you and ignoring all of your messages then I definitely wouldn’t go.

I personally think it’s really selfish to ignore someone when they’re pregnant and I would have fallen out with them because of it.

Original poster
Blondemummy1 · 01/09/2023 20:30

@Chippy4me they're blanking us. It's been two months.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondemummy1 · 01/09/2023 20:33

@AnneLovesGilbert thankyou for your polite and friendly reply. I really appreciate it after reading some of the things people have come out with on here in response to a stranger asking a question ❤️

OP posts:
Janieforever · 01/09/2023 20:33

I think you need to try hard not to make it about you. I get in your head it is about you and your child. But the truth is it isn’t, it’s about them and their loss. Try to stop focusing on you and focus on them, maybe you can see it different.?

GreyGoose1980 · 01/09/2023 20:40

This thread demonstrates we all process loss and grief differently. If they are otherwise good friends I’d give them a chance to come back to the friendship once their baby is born.

Rightioohh · 01/09/2023 20:56

i couldn’t speak to my bf for two years due to infertility, ivf , losses. She had multiple children. The pain just became unbearable and I went to dark places and just withdrew to self protect from her and everyone.
Before my losses, I had no clue about how painful this could be. I used to think miscarriages were nothing major.
I did tell my bf I needed to withdraw but don’t think our friendship has ever recovered. I had to do what I had to do though.
Even though your friend is pregnant, she might not truly believe this pregnancy will turn into a baby. I always assumed I would lose my pregnancy at some point and was anxious throughout.
As PP said, if she’s a good friend, give her a chance until her baby is born.

indigopenguin · 01/09/2023 21:16

When you've been through losses, it's really easy to withdraw from the whole world without even realising that is what has happened. And it can take a long time to slowly build that back.

I agree with others who have said that this is unlikely to be able their feelings towards you, but more about them dealing with their losses and the anxiety of their current pregnancy. Possibly they've withdrawn from more than just your friendship.

If it's a friendship you value I think give them a chance. They'll probably be grateful and remember who stuck by them through a challenging time later on (at which point it may also be easier for them to look back and realise they might not have behaved in an ideal way).

BackAgainstWall · 01/09/2023 21:20

I wouldn’t go.
Why put yourself through it.
Make up an excuse.

mummyh2016 · 01/09/2023 21:22

I wouldn't go OP. If her pregnancy was only 4.5 months behind you there was nothing stopping her reaching out to you, even if it was only via text. She didn't need to see you. It sounds like they couldn't even be arsed to send you a card. Something that takes next to no effort.
I'm a little surprised at posters telling you to stop acting self centred and then insinuating it's okay for your 'friends' to be. Your friends haven't spoken to you in more or less 12 months yet you're being unreasonable for being upset about it? Rightio.
You've had some horrible comments on here OP, I can't see you've done anything wrong.

Hiddenvoice · 01/09/2023 21:28

This is hard, of course you want to enjoy your pregnancy with friends and celebrate the birth of your little one but with the greatest respect, this isn’t about you or your baby.
They suffered a heart breaking loss. That pain really sticks with you and as much as they would have loved to be happy for you, they of course will be grieving. To protect themselves they’ve had to distance themselves. This is hard for everyone and I fully understand why you’re upset but please don’t take it personally.

Now I feel like the friendship has drifted apart and that’s very common when babies are born. My dh best friend had a baby 2 months after us. At first we thought we would all be close but our pregnancies were incredibly different and so was our recovery. Now we are more like acquaintances but they are living their life and we’re living ours all equally happy with our children.

It’s great you’ve agreed to go to the baby shower. Personally I’d still go, be a good friend and celebrate with them but if you’re finding it too painful then polite now out just now.

Hiddenvoice · 01/09/2023 21:29

I also will say this pregnancy will have been very nerve wracking for her and she may have just wanted to keep to herself to protect the baby. Not out of rudeness but out of fear of losing her child.

SylvanianFrenemies · 01/09/2023 21:30

How can you feel hurt for your baby? Or claim that ye or she is bring punished? It is not like your baby knows or cares.
This is not worth the headspace. They've done what they needed to do. Maybe the friendship will recover, maybe it won't. No need for drama.

Canisaysomething · 01/09/2023 22:03

Do you even know if they want a baby shower? Let alone expect you to go? It sounds like a mutual has made a mistake organising one. I wouldn't want a baby shower before a baby has arrived after experiencing baby loss.

Just cool it off and reconnect at a later date. It really isn't personal and it isn't their fault but it's OK to be privately dissappointed.

readingismycardio · 02/09/2023 03:57

Grief has a funny way of manifesting itself. I had a MMC last November and it was so hard being around pregnant friends, I avoided it as much as possible. It's not that I wasn't happy for them, I truly was, but grief got the best of me.

I do see where you're coming from - but I am sure you also see where your friend comes from

Firsttimemum623 · 02/09/2023 06:22

I had a very similar situation with one of my colleagues, but I was the one who miscarried. It was extremely difficult for me to watch her get more & more pregnant and luckily my boss was very understanding and I worked from home a lot in those first few months. I did distance myself from her, certainly until I was well into my second pregnancy (which gave me my beautiful daughter). Earlier commenters are totally right that when I did get pregnant again, the anxiety over potentially losing another baby made it hard to enjoy the pregnancy, so I didn't really reconnect with my colleague until much later and it felt a bit awkward. As another poster mentioned, I didn't have a baby shower as I was too anxious (what could be worse than celebrating a baby only to then lose it!?!)

Perhaps you could reach out to them outside the group chat and say something along the lines of "Things seem to have a been a bit tense lately, so wanted to check if you actually want us (including baby) at your shower?" That way they have the opportunity to repair the relationship if they want to, whist you will also get some clarity.

MushMonster · 02/09/2023 07:16

Have they sent you any card/ text/ gifts/ likes in social media or any other acknowledgement for your baby yet? Or they have not even said "oh, he is so cute" on facebook...
I get how you feel.
I would, for the sake of kindness, go to the shower and wait till they have their child. If they still ignore your baby, I would ditch the friendship for good.

shakeitoffsis · 02/09/2023 07:20

My cousin has been the exact same, ignored me during my pregnancies and my 2 daughters when she was going through fertility struggles.

She's recently had a baby and is finding it really hard and now wants support. It's difficult to manage as I am feeling bitter for the last 4 years.

shakeitoffsis · 02/09/2023 07:21

To add, I went to visit her and her new daughter and turned up with presents because I'm the bigger person but deep down I'm still annoyed.

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