AIBU for feeling bitter about friends baby shower after they ignored us for my entire pregnancy?

[Blondemummy1]

My close friend's partner had two miscarriages. When my partner and I announced our pregnancy, our friend completely ignored us for the entire pregnancy as it reminded them of their loss. I understood and let them do what they needed to do. They are now pregnant again and are due next month. We have congratulated them and asked how they are etc but aren't getting much back.

Now my baby has been born, my friend has said he'd visit us that week (as our other, mutual friend told him that he was being rude by not doing so)however he never replied to the message i sent back telling him my our availability and that a visit would be great. This was weeks ago now. Thats all weve had from him despite reaching out to them multiple times. His partner has not spoken to us since finding out I was pregnant. I feel as though our baby is being punished or shunned by them just for being born.

Our mutual friend has planned a baby shower for them and has invited my partner and I. We said we'd attend and have bought them some bits, but have said that we will need to bring our baby as we will not be leaving him with anyone to be looked after yet. We will also be chipping in to pay for their meals at the shower.

AIBU for not really wanting to go to the baby shower and feeling hurt for ourselves and our baby? Obviously I understood theyve had an awful time but I cant help feeling hurt for my baby and it's really playing on my mind.

Wow.

@Lorelaigilmore88 the perception of 'blanking' and 'ignoring' is really unfeeling, especially when you know the pain involved. People do what works for them, OP has everything they want. They have not said anything unkind to her and they have waited a short time (By MN standards) to meet the Op's baby.

Everyone deals with loss in their own way but to purposely ignore a friend who is pregnant or just had a baby is rude. If they don’t feel like they can see you then they could always just send a text.
I can only speak for myself but when I lost mine my sister was 7 months pregnant and my best friend was 4 weeks ahead of me. There was no way I would have cut contact with them over it and was actually with my sister when she had her baby only 7 weeks later.

She's nasty?! You have written some absolutely appalling things in this thread!

Have you ever miscarried, OP? No one experience is the same and we cannot anticipate how we or others will respond to a loss.

This isn't about you or your baby - this is about the manner in which another couple have been affected by two miscarriages.

This other couple have effected a distance betwixt you for their own, personal reasons.

You seem more concerned with 'doing the done thing' (such as attending the baby shower of someone who has chosen to have next to no interaction with you in recent times) rather than accept the distance/boundary your friends have communicated via their silence.

You do come across as a tad self-centred and your 'woe is me and my PFB' stance, when juxtaposed with the knock on effect of more than one miscarirsge within another couple's time together, is pretty uncomfortable reading.

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog why am I so nasty? I think you need to calm down.

They did text to arrange to come and see the baby and presumably offered congratulations. But didn't follow through to arrange a meeting.

They haven't completely ignored OPs birth.

Calm down?! I've shared my experiences of infertility and multiple losses. I'd also like to know hat I have said that is 'appalling' @JayJayEl?

No way would I go.
And I wouldn't ever contact her again.

To be honest, I think the feeling is mutual.

Agree.

OP says it was part of a group chat but it didn’t come from this couple. OP has not said whether or not other friends know the situation between OP and this couple.

OP is taking it personal even though the couple more than likely have their entire focus on this pregnancy and hoping their baby will make it to term not to go out of their way to shun OP.

Yes, they could get back to OP, but I’d give them some grace knowing I have no idea what it’s like being in their situation. Plus, it’s only been some weeks since their last response and with the baby due next month, they are probably a mix of happy that they’ve gotten this far and nervous that something could happen.

You have repeatedly name called the OP. You have told her to "get over [herself]". You accused her of being "hormonal". Called her "self centred" then based all of your responses on your own story/feelings/experiences. Called her "horrible".
And all this based on a few paragraphs where the OP is asking for advice.

You've then report the thread because...what? You disagree with the OP's comments??

Your own personal circumstances were obviously incredibly difficult. (I know from experience myself.) But that absolutely does not give you the right to speak to others in the way you have. I'm genuinely gobsmacked.

This.
I lost my first baby at 24 weeks. Devastated. Two of my friends were due babies at the same time. After my loss l hated being down town and seeing strangers pregnant. I was so upset and angry. But it was different with my friends . I was happy for them to have their babies...actually they found it more awkward than l did. But l didn't want their baby: l wanted mine. We are still close years later.
I would let this couple approach you. They have gone too far and you have done enough. I don't think you are self centred. Leave the ball in their court. If they come to you, interested in your baby ..Good. lf not leave them off.

OP, I cuddled and comforted one of my closest friend’s newborn son through tears that I hid from them literally a week or two after losing a much wanted and waited for pregnancy. Yes it hurt, but I didn’t want the loss to take even more from me and of course I wanted to meet their newest family member.

Infertility and pregnancy loss (experienced both) can be overwhelming but I completely understand why you feel quite complicated emotions around this. I would cut them some slack/ benefit of the doubt but also give yourself time and space to feel a bit sad too. Remember your brain has effectively been rewired to perceive anything less than positive as a potential threat to the baby. If you choose graciousness now, you can always choose to back away later if it doesn’t work for you.

I agree with you. I tried for unsuccessfully for 7 years to have a baby and had losses. However, I still congratulated my friend's and visited the baby. That's what you do for the people you care about. You can be sad for yourself but happy for your nearest and dearest.

I'm glad I was because I went on to have a baby and it would have been awful to expect them to be happy for me when I wasn't for them. Did they expect you to pretend your baby didn't exist? Have they apologised and explained? Do they really expect you to fawn over them, completely ignoring that they snubbed you and your baby?
I wouldn't go to their baby shower and would give as much support and acknowledgement as they gave you.

@ButterRoad Thank you for your response (and for genuinely being respectful!). You are absolutely correct. No one can hold anyone else to their own standards. I just wanted to share my own experience from the point of view of the OP's friends. I absolutely understand why the friends have reacted in the way they have, but in my opinion true friends wouldn't behave in that way.

Your reaction to your situation is highly admirable, too. X

@Thelonelygiraffe Thank you for your kind words!

@Blondemummy1 You are in such a difficult situation. I guess you have the difficult job of deciding whether or not it is a friendship you want to save and continue.

@JayJayEl I have not used bad language. I called the OP self-centred, because she appears so to me, she also does not seem to appreciate how much she has compared to the people she's moaning about, even though they did not arrange the BS. That to me says she needs to get over herself. I on the other hand have been called a 'crack pot' and been ridiculed for my responses to my own experiences of loss. I offered my perspective to the OP based on very painful experience and she told me to calm down. I am 'gobsmacked' by her callousness to her 'friends' me, and @VerasRaincoattbh.

You don't need to use bad language to be horribly mean to someone. And you're just continuing your tirade of abuse in this reply.

Others shouldn't have name called you, either. But them doing so doesn't justify all of your responses.

'Tirade of abuse'? Are you serious?. This place is so odd.

Well said @JayJayEl

@Blondemummy1 many of us here have suffered loss through miscarriage and know the pain. It's good to share experiences.
However none of that gives us the right to be rude and cut our friends off.

It reads as though you and your OH have reached out a few times to this other couple and one of them only made contact when encouraged to do so by a third party. To then not follow through and visit having said they would is a horrible thing to do. I think you could be the bigger person, as you have been all along, send a small gift and not attend. From their lack of responses and reactions to date there is always the possibility there will be more drama if you are there with your baby. Do not subject yourself to that possibility.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who assumed your own trauma was fueling your callous replies. I hope you manage to find some peace. Genuinely.