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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling bitter about friends baby shower after they ignored us for my entire pregnancy?

130 replies

Blondemummy1 · 01/09/2023 18:04

My close friend's partner had two miscarriages. When my partner and I announced our pregnancy, our friend completely ignored us for the entire pregnancy as it reminded them of their loss. I understood and let them do what they needed to do. They are now pregnant again and are due next month. We have congratulated them and asked how they are etc but aren't getting much back.

Now my baby has been born, my friend has said he'd visit us that week (as our other, mutual friend told him that he was being rude by not doing so)however he never replied to the message i sent back telling him my our availability and that a visit would be great. This was weeks ago now. Thats all weve had from him despite reaching out to them multiple times. His partner has not spoken to us since finding out I was pregnant. I feel as though our baby is being punished or shunned by them just for being born.

Our mutual friend has planned a baby shower for them and has invited my partner and I. We said we'd attend and have bought them some bits, but have said that we will need to bring our baby as we will not be leaving him with anyone to be looked after yet. We will also be chipping in to pay for their meals at the shower.

AIBU for not really wanting to go to the baby shower and feeling hurt for ourselves and our baby? Obviously I understood theyve had an awful time but I cant help feeling hurt for my baby and it's really playing on my mind.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 02/09/2023 07:31

No I wouldn’t go. They’ve blanked you when you haven’t done anything wrong. No idea why posters are calling you self-centred.

AnonyLonnymouse · 02/09/2023 07:33

If you do decide to go, it would definitely be better not to take your baby. For instance, you attend the shower and your baby would stay home with your DH.

AbsoluteYawns · 02/09/2023 07:37

They are not your friends OP.
It's ok for them to celebrate publicly but you are to be ignored and sidelined?
They are selfish and if it were me I wouldn't go or contribute.
Urgh such double standards.

AbsoluteYawns · 02/09/2023 07:39

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2023 20:28

This turned into an ugly nightmare very quickly.

I don’t think you should go and I wouldn’t bother with them again. They don’t sound like nice people and miscarriages and infertility don’t excuse people behaving as they have. I lost 5 babies before having my first and managed not to be a dick.

OP, I’d leave this thread 💐

Sorry for your losses that sounds so upsetting.
You've hit the nail on the head. There just isn't a reason to behave like a horror to so called friends.

CherryMaDeara · 02/09/2023 07:41

Why are you being polite to these cunts?

They sure as heck won’t be avoiding other babies now.

Don’t go to the baby shower and don’t send a gift.

TwilightSkies · 02/09/2023 07:42

If you do decide to go, it would definitely be better not to take your baby. For instance, you attend the shower and your baby would stay home with your DH.

Why should they keep acting like their baby doesn’t exist? Just to appease these people?

Sceptre86 · 02/09/2023 07:48

You have 2 choices either go and put the hurt behind you or don't. As mumsnet likes to say it was an invitation and not a summons. You have a young baby and are on maternity, yes but why should that mean you are free to go? You could have said you already had plans that weekend.

As for the hurt, there will always be people on here who think it's absolutely fine for people who have had miscarriages to behave this way. In my view it isn't and I would distance myself from anyone who behaved like this with me.

Having said that you wanted them to put your hurt aside to ask after you and visit your baby but are struggling to put yours aside, maybe think about that.

feralunderclass · 02/09/2023 08:15

A close friend of mine told me she was TTC and I told her I was too, we joked about who would 'win' first etc. I committed the ultimate crime of getting pregnant first and she turned into a total psycho. This was my third baby (after 2 losses) so I wasn't exactly going OTT, there was no baby shower or any acknowledgement of my pregnancy other than my bump. She literally couldn't look at me if we bumped into each other and would make very barbed statements about "some people getting pregnant so easily" (it took 1.5 years to conceive). I hardly saw her at all during the pregnancy, but always gave her excuses and thought she must be upset that she still hadnt conceived etc.
My baby was born with a rare chromosomal disorder and she literally could not hide her joy about this, she wanted to be my best friend again (without any acknowledgement of her bad treatment) but making comments in this really weird sing songy voice about "people getting the babies they deserve" 😵. Me, being the mug I am still felt sorry for her and let it go, again excusing her because of her pain.
When she did become pregnant I was OVERJOYED for her and asked her if she'd like a baby shower and that I'd organize and host it. I was genuinely so happy for her and wanted it to be special for her (she was nc with most of her family) and she totally snubbed the idea in a very rude way. Again, I excused it as pregnancy hormones. Long story short, nearly 20 years later she's still making comments about me having a baby before her. It seems very personally directed towards me, as if she thinks my life is so much better than hers (she even commented that the DLA I got for ds made me rich, and that I wouldn't understand the struggles of a poor person).
I really regret wasting my time and compassion on such a bitter and twisted person!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 02/09/2023 08:19

@feralunderclass wow that’s awful. Please tell me you’ve ditched her now

feralunderclass · 02/09/2023 08:56

@EnjoyingTheSilence she emigrated across the world some years ago so thankfully don't have to see her anymore. She still sends me the odd random WhatsApp message, saying things like she has a bag of clothes for girls aged 5-6, would I know of anyone that could use them. Considering we live thousands of miles apart, no I don't!

ChippyTea16 · 02/09/2023 09:01

You’re not obliged to go to a baby shower. Just say ‘sorry I’m not able to make it’. Doesn’t matter if you’re on mat leave, they can’t assume how you spend your time.

I’ve done this for every baby shower I’ve ever been invited to as I hate them and no one has ever questioned why I can’t go!

Pollyputthekettleonha · 02/09/2023 09:04

@feralunderclass - this woman is not your friend I hope you no longer see her.

This situation is a bit odd OP. Have the friends agreed to this baby shower or is it a surprise one? If they are so anxious about their baby they are staying clear of you because of your baby, I'm surprised they are having one, unless it's a surprise. I wouldn't have had one after my own loss, it would have felt like tempting fate personally. I could cope with pregnant women/ babies once I was pregnant again although I was still very anxious, I do appreciate that everyone's different though.
This does feel a bit more like rudeness to me , and I have been in their shoes. I would decline and maybe just send a gift/ card when the baby is born.

sonjadog · 02/09/2023 09:11

I would cancel going to the baby shower. I think they have been rude to you, but this is their baby shower and their celebration and they have been clear that they do not want contact with you. You turning up along with your baby makes them have the contact they have made it clear they do not want on a day that should be about celebrating them.

Find another event you have to attend that day and bow out of the baby shower. Let them enjoy it without having to deal with people they have made it clear they don’t want to see. Maybe you will pick up the friendship after their baby is born, but I would leave further contact up to them.

phoenixrosehere · 02/09/2023 09:14

AbsoluteYawns · 02/09/2023 07:37

They are not your friends OP.
It's ok for them to celebrate publicly but you are to be ignored and sidelined?
They are selfish and if it were me I wouldn't go or contribute.
Urgh such double standards.

They’re not the ones throwing the baby shower though nor suggested it. Unless I missed it, I didn’t see anywhere where OP said she didn’t have a baby shower thrown for her. Understandable if this couple didn’t throw her one but she also had other friends in the same group that could have done so, friends outside of that group, or family.

Some are acting as if the couple was complaining about OP being pregnant behind her back and are going out of their way to make OP feel bad. For them, OP and her baby are not their focus and why would they be? Yes, they could have reached out to her more and gotten back to her but with such circumstances it’s understandable why her friend supported his wife and didn’t push her to visit OP knowing how hard it was for her. He could, however, have gone without his partner to see OP and meet her new baby. We don’t know his feelings on the situation or how he himself is dealing with it. There could be issues with this pregnancy that they haven’t told anyone.

OP and her baby were still celebrated and visited by others, just not this couple. OP is well within her right to feel this way and I can understand why, but I think it’s weird that her concentration is focused on this couple (knowing the circumstances) not talking/ visiting her and her new baby, saying they are hurting her baby’s feelings, while her baby has been celebrated even to the point that she says a friend mentioned to this male friend that they should visit her.

They’ve been distance, but saying they’ve been nasty is an overreaction. Some posters are really focusing on the wife when OP’s close friend is the wife’s DH. It doesn’t read to me that her and the wife are close friends.

Original poster
Blondemummy1 · 02/09/2023 10:53

@feralunderclass They know about the baby shower. It's quite small-9 of us were added to a group chat by a mutual friend, including the couple having the baby. Everyone's DH has been added as well as we're all friends/know eachother. We were all asked for a date that suited us and then the date was made based on everyones availability which is why I haven't said that I cant go-I put it out there that we weren't available week days of weekend evenings due to DH's work/childcare/bedtime routine so it got arranged for the weekend. Also, is it normal for DH's to be invited? Ive not actually been to a baby shower so not sure if that's normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondemummy1 · 02/09/2023 11:11

phoenixrosehere · 02/09/2023 09:14

They’re not the ones throwing the baby shower though nor suggested it. Unless I missed it, I didn’t see anywhere where OP said she didn’t have a baby shower thrown for her. Understandable if this couple didn’t throw her one but she also had other friends in the same group that could have done so, friends outside of that group, or family.

Some are acting as if the couple was complaining about OP being pregnant behind her back and are going out of their way to make OP feel bad. For them, OP and her baby are not their focus and why would they be? Yes, they could have reached out to her more and gotten back to her but with such circumstances it’s understandable why her friend supported his wife and didn’t push her to visit OP knowing how hard it was for her. He could, however, have gone without his partner to see OP and meet her new baby. We don’t know his feelings on the situation or how he himself is dealing with it. There could be issues with this pregnancy that they haven’t told anyone.

OP and her baby were still celebrated and visited by others, just not this couple. OP is well within her right to feel this way and I can understand why, but I think it’s weird that her concentration is focused on this couple (knowing the circumstances) not talking/ visiting her and her new baby, saying they are hurting her baby’s feelings, while her baby has been celebrated even to the point that she says a friend mentioned to this male friend that they should visit her.

They’ve been distance, but saying they’ve been nasty is an overreaction. Some posters are really focusing on the wife when OP’s close friend is the wife’s DH. It doesn’t read to me that her and the wife are close friends.

Show quote history

I wasn't thrown a baby shower, nor did I ask for one. I was visited by our mutual friend from our friend group who told them they should visit me as they were being rude and that was it for visits from friends.

I never said they were hurting my babies feelings, I said it felt as though baby was being punished because he was born and theirs wasn't. They've said things to our mutual friend about our due date being similar to their previous one, etc so they were obviously upset by this so I let it go and understood l. But then I found out that they were pregnant again 5 or so months into my pregnancy and was still getting blanked.

The reason why I'm so focused on this couple is because we were supposed to be apart of a really close friendship group. They would come over quite a lot and he was one of our closest friends.

OP posts:
fitzwilliamdarcy · 02/09/2023 11:55

I think your mutual friend was a bit rude confronting them about it - it’s none of their business, and if it were me I’d feel really awkward about the ‘group’ vibe from there on.

I don’t think you should go to the shower because you’re clearly resentful about it all, and it’s going to show. Bringing the baby is likely to tip the situation over the edge in my view, especially if mutual friends are there who have form for telling the couple off.

If your baby was born near her due date then of course it’s going to be really bloody difficult for her.

I was the friend in this situation (not a miscarriage but I had to have emergency surgery that sterilised me at 32) and I lost a long time friend because she refused to accept that I wasn’t shunning or snubbing her baby, just grieving and navigating serious medical trauma. Nobody should be excused for being an arsehole to anyone else but I think grace should be given to those who are grieving by those who are not.

(And being pregnant again doesn’t ‘replace’ the one that’s lost, OP. You must know that.)

Original poster
Blondemummy1 · 02/09/2023 12:26

fitzwilliamdarcy · 02/09/2023 11:55

I think your mutual friend was a bit rude confronting them about it - it’s none of their business, and if it were me I’d feel really awkward about the ‘group’ vibe from there on.

I don’t think you should go to the shower because you’re clearly resentful about it all, and it’s going to show. Bringing the baby is likely to tip the situation over the edge in my view, especially if mutual friends are there who have form for telling the couple off.

If your baby was born near her due date then of course it’s going to be really bloody difficult for her.

I was the friend in this situation (not a miscarriage but I had to have emergency surgery that sterilised me at 32) and I lost a long time friend because she refused to accept that I wasn’t shunning or snubbing her baby, just grieving and navigating serious medical trauma. Nobody should be excused for being an arsehole to anyone else but I think grace should be given to those who are grieving by those who are not.

(And being pregnant again doesn’t ‘replace’ the one that’s lost, OP. You must know that.)

Hang on when did I ever say having another baby replaced the one that was lost? Dont put words in my mouth.

OP posts:
Rollawaythestone · 02/09/2023 12:52

LuluJili · 01/09/2023 19:16

I think (as usual), many posters aren't reading the OP.

The baby shower is being organised by a 3rd party friend who very likely doesn't know the Mum and Dad -to-be haven't been to visit the OPs newborn.

So it's not the baby shower expectant parents expecting the OP to come or being shit, selfish friends who've ignored her baby and want presents.

It's just a friend group who don't know how OP is feeling or what's happened and are just organising an event.

So OP shouldn't take it personally or take offence but also fine if she doesn't want to go.

I'm sure OP would be hurt and offended if she wasn't invited. THEN she'd maybe have a reason to think her newborn was being punished or shunned.

I think you haven't read the OP's original post either!. The mutual friend who has organised the baby shower is fully aware of the situation, having already stuck their nose in to the extent of telling the friend off for being rude. Mutual friend sounds like a right busy body who wants to get kudos for putting The Situation right. I'm sure this is how my group of friends used to behave when we were 15.

Original poster
Blondemummy1 · 02/09/2023 12:55

Rollawaythestone · 02/09/2023 12:52

I think you haven't read the OP's original post either!. The mutual friend who has organised the baby shower is fully aware of the situation, having already stuck their nose in to the extent of telling the friend off for being rude. Mutual friend sounds like a right busy body who wants to get kudos for putting The Situation right. I'm sure this is how my group of friends used to behave when we were 15.

Show quote history

My friend is nothing like what you are saying. Now you're just being rude for absolutely no reason.

OP posts:
Lottie2shoes · 02/09/2023 13:01

I feel really bad for OP. The hate that she is getting from some of the posters.
For someone who has been through multiple losses, I will say that they, especially the lady in question may be very anxious about the future survival and birth and it can be crippling, the anxiety. So I would not take it badly that they may not be acting in good grace.
It took over my every thought and pushed out rational thinking so I can see how they might not be thinking clearly.
I however did not snub anyone, whatever I may have felt personally at the time.

I can see how you are upset, quite rightly too but please just put it down to their previous loss etc.
I think the right thing would be to just not go to the baby shower, send the gifts and heartfelt congratulations and be the bigger person.
But also it is OK to feel how you feel so take a step back and leave the ball in their court. If they or anyone comments, just explain how hurt you felt and move on.
This way, hopefully once they've had their baby (and all rational thought returns), they will realise their mistake and make it up to you.
If they do not, you will know where you stand and it will not be a case of it being one sided like some of the PP.
Congratulations on the baby and enjoy your time with them, do not waste headspace on others.

Lottie2shoes · 02/09/2023 13:06

Also the hate on the mutual friend! I am the type to try to keep everyone happy and fix rifts so it does not affect our friendship group and atmosphere of outings etc.
I hope I'm not seen as a busybody with too much time on my hands!

fitzwilliamdarcy · 02/09/2023 13:42

Blondemummy1 · 02/09/2023 12:26

Hang on when did I ever say having another baby replaced the one that was lost? Dont put words in my mouth.

Show quote history

It was this quote that gave me that impression:

They've said things to our mutual friend about our due date being similar to their previous one, etc so they were obviously upset by this so I let it go and understood l. But then I found out that they were pregnant again 5 or so months into my pregnancy and was still getting blanked.

As though they should’ve stopped blanking you (and therefore grieving) because she had become pregnant again.

I know this isn’t meant but it’s how it comes across IMHO.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 02/09/2023 13:47

Lottie2shoes · 02/09/2023 13:06

Also the hate on the mutual friend! I am the type to try to keep everyone happy and fix rifts so it does not affect our friendship group and atmosphere of outings etc.
I hope I'm not seen as a busybody with too much time on my hands!

I’d hope that wouldn’t extend to telling off a grieving couple for not visiting another friend’s baby quickly enough. That’s not keeping people happy, it’s being callous and interfering.

phoenixrosehere · 02/09/2023 14:16

Blondemummy1 · 02/09/2023 11:11

I wasn't thrown a baby shower, nor did I ask for one. I was visited by our mutual friend from our friend group who told them they should visit me as they were being rude and that was it for visits from friends.

I never said they were hurting my babies feelings, I said it felt as though baby was being punished because he was born and theirs wasn't. They've said things to our mutual friend about our due date being similar to their previous one, etc so they were obviously upset by this so I let it go and understood l. But then I found out that they were pregnant again 5 or so months into my pregnancy and was still getting blanked.

The reason why I'm so focused on this couple is because we were supposed to be apart of a really close friendship group. They would come over quite a lot and he was one of our closest friends.

Show quote history

I never said they were hurting my babies feelings, I said it felt as though baby was being punished because he was born and theirs wasn't.

How is your baby being punished? Did you secretly want a baby shower and no one else in the group threw you one? If so, that isn’t on this couple, but the rest of the group. Is this the only couple that hasn’t visited you or have some others not done so?

You say you understand with their last miscarriage yet with this pregnancy, that understanding has lowered because they’re still being distant. You have a healthy baby that is a reminder of the previous one they lost that would have been about the same age as yours. They have yet to have a healthy baby and are hoping that this one makes it to term. They really aren’t going out of their way to upset you or punish your baby. Their focus is on having their own.

As pps have said, if you are all as close as you say, things may change once their baby is born and they may reach out to you then.