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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

302 replies

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

OP posts:
Mirabai · 01/09/2023 18:44

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:04

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

I mean I’m half Indian and she’s still a lunatic.

What on earth would possess you to send your kids into this nonsense?

winelove · 01/09/2023 18:45

You are in danger of alienating your children for good. Do not encourage them, le them live their lives.

LovePoppy · 01/09/2023 18:46

Why on earth are you giving into the blackmail and setting your children up for abuse??

Mirabai · 01/09/2023 18:47

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

It’s a no brainer that you if your kids do this now to appease her she will pull the same shit if your kids want to move out again.

You’ve managed to separate yourself from this crazy family - you’re not beholden to her or any of them any more.

Distance yourself and show your children this kind of madness is not acceptable.

Silvers11 · 01/09/2023 18:47

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You are NOT responsible for what your MIL does to her health. I can't believe you are willing to make life so difficult for your children. Cultural differences have nothing whatsoever to do with this. She is emotionally blackmailing you and your children

Rec0veringAcademic · 01/09/2023 18:49

This has got zero to do with culture and everything to do with a disordered, manipulative, abusive personality.
Your adult children deserve their freedom. They are well out of that crap.

Btw no worries, she won't be handing her keys in any time soon. She'll stage a collapse then a miraculous recovery. Mark my words.

HateMyselfToo · 01/09/2023 18:50

Do not engage - they are ex-relatives for a reason.

If cornered "Nothing to do with me, they are adults, it's up to them."

Make sure your children know they are very welcome to stay with you and they are also free to go there. The choice is entirely theirs and you will love and support them either way.

Noorandapples · 01/09/2023 18:53

The only pressure you should put on them is to stay away from her

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 01/09/2023 18:56

Why on earth would you try to persuade your adult DCs to move in with someone who is emotionally manipulative, obviously unstable?
I'd be telling my DCs not to dare move in with her. To say a firm 'no' and that they will block them if they mention it again. I'd also tell them not to visit her at home. They can meet in public places.
Then I'd message your ex and tell him you will be contacting MIL's GP and/or SS to let them know she is starving herself. If your ex has at all condoned or encouraged these actions, your MIL could be a victim of elder abuse.

Tiswa · 01/09/2023 18:56

In trying to force and blackmail your own children going because you don’t want to be responsible you are in being as bad as she is

SoShallINever · 01/09/2023 18:56

You shouldn't put any pressure on your DC to comply with manipulation from anyone.
Ever.

Gardenfish · 01/09/2023 18:56

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:04

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

I get we are seeing this as westerners, but so are your children. As adults who can vote, get married, drink and drive.

MIL is being a complete dick, big vertical hug.

DPotter · 01/09/2023 18:57

It takes about 3 weeks to starve to death if the person starving is drinking fluids. Mahatma Gandhi survived 21 days taking only sips of water. he was 74 at the time. So after just 2 days your ex MIL is not in mortal danger, that's a total exaggeration.

Please do not add to the pressure on your adult children - they are already being emotionally blackmailed by their grandmother and father. This is not acceptable behaviour from anyone, of any culture in the 21st century. You are doing as much harm by urging them to move as the grandmother and the father in demanding it.

If you so much as hint your children should move in with her, you are doing them a great disservice. Tell your children to leave well alone and stay where they are. If anything they could ring up the grandmother and say "for goodness sake, granny stop being silly and go and eat. We'll see you soon but we're not moving in".

Why would the new wife want your adult children in her house anyway ? She's probably wised up to granny's ways and granny now wants new people to boss around and manipulate.

Tell your ex neither you or your children will be blackmailed by his mother and if he's worried about her health, he should ask the GP for a psychiatric referral as clearly his mother has signs of early dementia

lemonsorbetinthesun · 01/09/2023 18:59

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You’re not responsible, she is.

this is extremely unbalanced behaviour and your children shouldn’t be around this. God knows what her next demand will be!!

whynotwhatknot · 01/09/2023 19:01

youre as bad as her if you force your adult children to do this

ignore them all she'll get over it

GorillaInBikini · 01/09/2023 19:04

If they move in now what happens when they want to leave? It is cruel to push this guilt/issue onto the next generation. You shouldn't be pushing them to do anything.

Travis1 · 01/09/2023 19:04

YABU ridiculously slow. Leave your children be

FlamingoQueen · 01/09/2023 19:04

I understand that there are different cultures here, but surely if your adult dc do not want to go and live with their Grandmother, they don’t have to!
You can’t force people like that and it is blackmail if she is starving herself.
If she does starve herself for much longer, then she’ll die and it will become irrelevant anyway (sorry to be blunt, but it’s ridiculous!).

Bobbielikespeas · 01/09/2023 19:05

Feck that, let MIL die if that's what she wants. Might be the only way she'll be happy.

LuckyPeonies · 01/09/2023 19:08

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You are NOT responsible. She is an adult who has decided to do this in order to try to manipulate everyone else. The outcome is 100% on her.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 01/09/2023 19:10

Im Indian, ID let her starve! MY responsibility is towards my kids not a mad woman

JudgeRudy · 01/09/2023 19:11

Your MILs behaviour is more than unreasonable, it's abusive! This is manipulation at it's highest aka as co-ersive control.
I was initially surprised that you and your daughter's are considering this however in a completely unrelated situation, I have recently be made aware of the huge huge cultural significance of family and the pressures and responsibility this entails.

Where is your MIL living? If it's the UK could you contact adult services and raise a Safeguarding concerns. I mean, going off your food is one thing, but deliberately not eating and putting your health/life at risk is another.
I would come from the angle that whatever you do will be wrong so encourage the option that would be the least harmful to your children. Yes, they are adults but ultimately l bet they would 'submit' to you. If eg you 'ordered' them to hand over their phones and you deleted MIL and dads number then forbade them to go round you could at least absolve them from any blame.
Of course, if they'd like to visit for a while, that might be an option but you need a 'rescue' plan in place should they feel trapped.
Good luck

Sallyh87 · 01/09/2023 19:11

She can starve if she wants to.

MissConducUS · 01/09/2023 19:11

She's not actually starving herself. It's just a story to manipulate you.

CorrodedCoffin · 01/09/2023 19:13

Good lord. It’s not so much that you’re being unreasonable pushing them to go live with your ex mother in law, but even though they are adults it’s not a very good lesson to teach them, that they should bow to pressures and insane manipulations of others just to keep the peace. As long as you have no problem with your children living with you, then they are old enough to decide if they move elsewhere. You need to stop giving in to your ex mother in law. It is bonkers that she is resorting to starving herself like some petulant child, and it’s even more insane that your ex husband is not telling her to knock it off.