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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

302 replies

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

OP posts:
Pizzanight · 01/09/2023 19:53

If you manipulate your DC into this, you're just as bad as she is. Your DC have enough emotional abuse from their Dad's side, please don't do the same. If she is having a mental health crisis she needs doctors, not Grandchildren.

Stargazermummy · 01/09/2023 19:55

Wow, such covert racism. OPis asking for advice.
She is in a position where she is having to choose between culture and own individual needs of herself and children. Choosing yourself if not easy to do when you've been conditioned your whole life to do what's "best".
I don't agree with OP's response to her ex mil but @RadishAndTwiglet, the venom coming from you is not appropriate.

Naunet · 01/09/2023 19:57

OP I’d bet a penny to a pound that someone this manipulative and controlling will be secretly eating. I bet she’s just a bad actor. Put your children first.

dawngreen · 01/09/2023 19:57

What if they decide to try, and stop them leaving India? I would say no to that request.

Chippy4me · 01/09/2023 19:58

You’re trying to guilt trip your own kids to go and live with her, so you don’t feel bad if anything happens to her?!

You’re as bad as she is!

Stop being a mug and stick up for your kids, they need your support.

wordler · 01/09/2023 19:58

dawngreen · 01/09/2023 19:57

What if they decide to try, and stop them leaving India? I would say no to that request.

No one is in India. MIL and ExH are in the UK as well as OP and her kids.

Tigger1895 · 01/09/2023 20:02

Your children are adults and should be allowed to make decisions for themselves. End of

BowiesJumper · 01/09/2023 20:04

This would be a really emotionally and mentally unsafe place for your kids to live. She would be even worse if they asked to move out after a month I’m sure!! Get your ex to take her to the doctor and don’t let anyone emotionally blackmail your kids.

ActDottie · 01/09/2023 20:08

Let her starve she is being ridiculous

Canonlythinkofthisone · 01/09/2023 20:08

Why ask if you're set on what you want to do?

Your ADULT children get to make the decision. Not you. Not their father and certainly not their bat shit crazy grandmother.

Leave her to it. I feel so sorry for your children.

dawngreen · 01/09/2023 20:08

So all involved are living in the UK. Maybe she misses them? can they not still visit her? and if they wish to spend a few days let them.

Endeavormorse · 01/09/2023 20:11

Bonkers

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 01/09/2023 20:16

Your adult children can choose where they live and your adult narcissist ex-MIL can choose to self-harm if she wishes. None of these adults' decisions are under your control.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 01/09/2023 20:19

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You wouldn't be responsible for her self-inflicted illness. Nor would your kids. It's her choice not to eat.

IrnBruAndTwiglets · 01/09/2023 20:22

I’ll starve myself if you don’t transfer me £10,000 today. I really want the money, don’t be hogging all your money to yourself. You’d be responsible if anything happened to me.

Do you want my bank details OP?

MixedRaceMuslim · 01/09/2023 20:24

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Edit: We are not in India, this is Great Britain

Exactly.. I found your comments a little rude referring to us Western women and folks.. We are not in India!!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 01/09/2023 20:28

If she’s ends up really unwell this is not yours or your children’s responsibility and I don’t care what culture she is from by you pushing your children (who are adults and don’t need to listen to you anyway) to live with her is carrying on the abuse.

let your children live wherever they want to live and support them. Do not allow them to be manipulated.

Goldenphoenix · 01/09/2023 20:28

She sounds deranged and I wouldn't encourage my children to be near anyone so manipulate. Just block her and never speak to her again, you owe her nothing!

Waffle78 · 01/09/2023 20:29

That's emotional blackmail she's the one that pushed her ds family away.. She think's you were never good enough for her son but wants to control your adult children.

EatYourVegetables · 01/09/2023 20:29

Read Hanif Kureishi’s The Buddha of Suburbia. Very similar subplot in there.

That is also UK, London 1970s.

InSpainTheRain · 01/09/2023 20:30

The DC stay where they want. Stop bowing to her unreasonable demands! The only danger she is in is caused by herself.

SunsetCurtain · 01/09/2023 20:32

Abuse is abuse. Manipulation is manipulation. Regardless of "culture".
Your DC should live where they please and you shouldn't be entertaining the idea of them living with someone who clearly has issues.

givemeasunnyday · 01/09/2023 20:33

Your DC are adults, they can live wherever they like.

As for her starving herself, that's her decision and if she becomes ill that is solely on her. She's a drama queen.

Your DCs are being sensible and not giving into her emotional blackmail and I suggest you keep out of it.

RadishAndTwiglet · 01/09/2023 20:39

@RadishAndTwiglet, the venom coming from you is not appropriate.

Venom? Racism? Oh get a grip. The OP asked on a British based forum about a situation concerning three young British adults, who are not happy about being manipulated and emotionally blackmailed by their father and their elderly Indian granny.

When we all gave advice in good faith, we were told to 'suspend your western judgement.' Well sorry but western judgement is the only judgement many of us on here have. If we can't possibly be expected to fully understand the cultural pressures and dynamics in this scenario then why ask for our opinions, only to dismiss them as irrelevant?

My opinion is that the OP's ex husband needs to stand up to his spoilt, ridiculous mother. But that is not within the OP's control.

My opinion is that the OP needs to stand up to her ex-husband. Why should she collude in this nonsense to appease an emotionally manipulative woman who thinks she is scum? This IS within her control.

My opinion is that the 'children' in this scenario should be informed of their grandmother's wishes, then left alone to make their own decisions without any meddling or pressure from either of their parents.

I don't need to be told that's not how Indians do things. I already know that. But it's how I would do things. If you don't want opinions from people without Indian heritage, don't ask them. But if you are going to ask them, don;t complain about getting a 'western' non-Indian perspective.

veggie50 · 01/09/2023 20:40

If you are genuinely concern for your ex MIL's well being, the responsible thing to do is to alert the authorities regarding her hunger strike whether it be social service or her GP. It would probably be very much frowned on by your community but at least you have done something to actually help her without jeopardising your DC.