To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

[Shirvanirva]

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

She sounds manipulative, entitled and abusive. No way should you 'urge' your ADULY children to move in with this woman who sounds unhinged at best and at worst a danger to others!

This has to be a reverse?

You don’t reward manipulative abusive behaviour?

You won't be responsible,she will.

He's your EX. Stop pandering to them and stick up for yourself now OP otherwise it'll be the beginning of a whole load of demands in the future. ' must marry xyz ...'blah blah blah. Ignore it all. She will eat and if anything probablybeating on the sly as to be horribly blunt your DC don't matter to much to her that she'll die over it. It's you ex husbands doing so let him sort his mum out with his new wife. Your out of that stuff now so why drag yourself back into the drama. Put boundaries down. Don't them them emotionally blackmail you and start ruining your kids lives because of this drama. Stick up for the kids OP, nows the time.

will the children inherit when she dies? Sounds like a win win!

Well in that case you must know that over 18s are adults and can make their own decisions. I'd keep out of it personally, let MIL talk to them about it.

It probably is difficult for any of us to truly understand another culture

But, her behaviour does sound unreasonable to me

What does your exH think should happen?

If she ends up unwell it will be solely down to her.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger.🙄

If she kills herself that is her own look out imo.

Leave her to it. She's crazy!!

She may be from a different time and culture but your children are not, and it’s them who are being blackmailed. I do genuinely understand the pressure you will be facing but it’s from people who have no regard for you and who would not pay you the same consideration.

You don’t have to do anything. You’re not responsible for your ex MIL’s choices and you are not the boss of your children so your only options are to drive yourself crazy or take a step back.

Your loyalty is to your children, not a woman who has forever looked down on you and treated you like scum. You can’t force them to go anyway so you may as well listen to them.

You’re not, it is just her being crazy and demanding. Also she is an EX MIL so even more not your problem.

Absolutely not! I wouldn’t even appease her

your kids don’t want to

it’s their choice, they’re grown ups

hunger strike is ridiculous.

The culture makes no difference. Nobody can force young adults to live with them!

Presumably she has lived in the UK for years anyway?

WTAF

YABVU. Your children are adults, it's up to them where they live. If they bow to her emotional abuse (which you are aiding and abeting) they will no doubt spend a significant chunk of their lives living to her every whim. Leave your kids to it, it's their choice, leave your exMIL to it, it's her choice. If this is (literally) the hill she has chosen to die on then so be it.

You won’t be. She will be.

let her starve.

this is absolutely disgusting.

What do your children gain from this?

She is absolutely not going to starve to death. And this is no one's fault that she is acting this way. Not yours or your children's.

You either agree with it culturally, in which case I'm not sure what you're on here asking or you don't.

😂

And a Toblerone under the mattress.

You are showing her that her manipulative ways work. And your kids that they should bow to this - not good.

i would send some food once a week and ask if she is still starving.

i doubt she is really starving

100%

OP I get this is more sensitive and and less clear cut than people saying just ignore her or don't do it.

The main thing to consider is though you mention temporarily moving in to appease her but I am not sure she would see it this way. She is already threatening adult children with her own life if they don't listen to her now, how are they meant to move out and start anew when ready as she may be reluctant to let them go. Likewise if they wish to start relationships etc they may come under the same scrutiny and horrid commentary you did.

It is a tough position OP but she does not sound like the sort of lady who will be appeased and let it go quickly....

This isn't cultural, unless you consider manipulation and emotional blackmail 'cultural' that should be enabled and honoured.

Spoiler: it shouldn't.

According to Google you can go 43-70 days without food, she's gone 2. I'd wait until October at the very least before before even considering her demands. I bet she caves before then.