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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To push my adult kids to live with their grandmother?

302 replies

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 16:41

Hi. Long story short, I am Indian. My DCs are 26, 23 and 18 respectively. Their father is my ex-husband. My ex-MIL was reluctant to approve of our marriage in the first place, because in our culture I am considered 'lower' born than their family. Ex-MIL comes from a 'high' class family, also she is from a wealthy background, her own father was a millionaire in India so she is used to getting her way.

Somehow she's been triggered to demand that all my DCs move back in with her at once. They live in a posh village, some miles out of town, big house fit for multigenerational living. She lives with my ex-husband and his new wife. I suspect the current drama is the meddling of the new wife.

She is starving herself until we agree with her terms. Two of my DCs live with me, the other lives independently. Their grandmother is cursing me for 'hogging' them all these years and basically thinks I'm scum. She has low blood pressure and ex-husband fears her life might be endangered if we don't agree sooner. She hasn't eaten for two days.

I've urged my DCs to move in with the other side for now. So their grandmother won't be in mortal danger. DCs are angry and reluctant to do so. They love their grandmother but think she is unreasonable. What to do?

OP posts:
junbean · 01/09/2023 19:13

The kids are actually adults and need to make their own decisions about their lives. Don’t mess them up getting them involved in that crazy manipulative behavior. They already said they don’t want to be involved with that. That woman made her decision by herself! Leave her to it.

ZadocPDederick · 01/09/2023 19:14

Absolutely don't make your children give in to this nonsense.

If she really is starving herself, contact social services and suggest that she may need to be sectioned to protect her.

LadybirdOnALog · 01/09/2023 19:14

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You are not responsible for her tantrum and not eating. That’s her decision. Of course you don’t fucking make your children live with her. You haven’t hogged them, you are their parent and in their 20’s they are independent adults. Don’t ruin their lives.

RockGirl · 01/09/2023 19:14

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

Everyone is telling you 'no'. But I imagine you are going to do it anyway. Shame on you. Presumably there are no cultural indoctrinations going on with you, so you won't accuse us of being insensitive to non-Western approaches?

WimpoleHat · 01/09/2023 19:14

I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

If it’s as a result of her own actions, you won’t be. She will.

Yeahno · 01/09/2023 19:15

I agree with the person who said you kids have more sense than all of you. The entire situation is ridiculous. That you are considering, as if it is your decision when your youngest is 18, is something else.
Use some of that money to go on holiday. Take a break from these people. Hopefully you will see sense while you are away.

Moroccanqueen · 01/09/2023 19:20

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You’re not responsible for this she is. Don’t put that pressure on your children, don’t feed into her behaviour

Hayliebells · 01/09/2023 19:20

Stick up for your children and tell them that they categorically do not need to live with their father's family if they do not want to. They are adults, they can make up their own mind, but of course I'm sure they'd appreciate your support. Their GM is 💯 unreasonable, bordering on abusive. If she starves herself, that's her doing and in no way is it your children's responsibility to prevent. She won't starve herself of course, she's just being controlling, so indulging her will do no good whatsoever.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/09/2023 19:25

Oh come on don't be ridiculous.

Some woman who hates you is saying that she won't eat until you give up your own children. And you are going to let her blackmail you like that? Are you completely bonkers?

For one thing, I would bet my house that as soon as everyone else is going to sleep, she's down in the kitchen eating. She will have food in every cupboard in her bedroom.

Even if she was literally starving herself, though, I would just ignore her and let her get on with it.

Andthereyougo · 01/09/2023 19:28

You can’t push your dc into a situation where they’re manipulated, that’s just awful. They are not children, they’re all adults. Stay out of it, they make their own choices where they live.
Stupid woman ( your mil) needs to grow up.

candyqueen888 · 01/09/2023 19:30

The grandmother is behaving like a child. Your children are mainly grown up with just the 18 year old needing some guidance. If the kids don't want to go its their choice. She needs urgent psychological care as its just not normal to starve yourself over something like this and equally, its not your responsibility to sort it out.

JudgeJ · 01/09/2023 19:30

If you give into this I bet the next thing will be arranged or forced marriages fir your DC and honour killings if they resist (semi joking on the past bit).

No joking at all about the family murders for 'cultural' reasons, the twee phrase 'honour killings' should never be used for these murders. The MIL is clearly wanting to ram her views onto her grandchildren and their father seems to be supporting her madness.

wordler · 01/09/2023 19:34

Your children are all adults now - so they get to decide what is best for them. You and they both know that moving in with someone this toxic is not best for them. So why would you persuade them to do it.

Don't worry about your MIL's health, worry about your children's long-term mental well-being.

Also as your children are adults now, and you all live in the UK so can go by the cultural norms there, you can stop all contact with anyone from your ex-husband's side of the family. Block them on all means on contacting you.

Let your ex talk to his children if he wants to emotional blackmail them along with his mother. But you make sure your kids know you have their back and their well being at heart and they don't have to do anything they don't feel comfortable with, and reassure them they always have a place in your home.

Lonicerax · 01/09/2023 19:38

Is there a financial incentive for the MIL /new wife to want 4hoing adults living with them?

Stargazermummy · 01/09/2023 19:39

Ok so I totally get this. I come from the same background and understand the complexities around this.
However, I do agree that the decision should lie with the children whether they want to live with her or not. Secondly, you are enabling this manipulative behaviour, she does not have anything to do with you now, so you do not need to appease her.
Thirdly, it is very hard not to eat at all. Even people on strict diets/disordered eating will find food on their mind all the time. She probably will eat.
Fourthly, why on earth is everyone pandering to her like she is the be all and end all?
She is your EX MIL.

DisquietintheRanks · 01/09/2023 19:39

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

And then what?

Shame on her for the attempts at manipulation but double shame on you for backing her up just so you don't have to feel bad (why would you even feel bad? Why is her happiness more important to you than your childrens'?)

Escapetofrance · 01/09/2023 19:42

This does seem incredibly manipulative of her. Could they visit frequently instead? Why is she insisting they live with her?
It paints my mil in a much better light! I understand there are cultural differences but at the same time, she is living in a democratic country now where there is freedom within British Values.

RadishAndTwiglet · 01/09/2023 19:42

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

Er...well you are the one who said 'We are not in India, this is Great Britain' so what do you think?

If you want a purely Indian subcontinent cultural perspective then you'd best find India's equivalent of Mumsnet and ask there instead. Most people in this country don't believe in kowtowing to emotional blackmail from family elders and neither do they tolerate being treated like children their entire adult lives, incapable of making a decision without clearing it with mummyji first.

Dillane · 01/09/2023 19:43

FuckingHellAdele · 01/09/2023 16:44

Your children sound like they have more sense than the rest of you, to be honest.

'Mortal danger' indeed.

Why on earth are you pandering to this nonsense OP?

LAMPS1 · 01/09/2023 19:45

In my eyes, to encourage your adult Dc to disrupt their lives to go to live with their manipulative GM would be a huge betrayal. Why would you subject them to such emotional blackmail when they have made their feelings on the subject very clear already.
If she were genuinely ill and needed help then yes of course I’m sure they would go of their own free will to visit and do what they could to help.
But she is deliberately making herself ill. It’s coercive control and it doesn’t sound as if she is of sound mind.
I would stay right out of it OP. But I think that you may have made your mind up already.

Asiama · 01/09/2023 19:45

I come from the same culture and no way would I even pass on these messages to my children. My mother is exactly the same as your ex-MIL and I tried to please her for so many years to no avail. Eventually I stood my ground and said "ok up to you".

It's abuse. Please don't expose your children to it.

Snugglemonkey · 01/09/2023 19:48

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:04

Okay women/folks, can we suspend Western judgements for a while and appreciate she grew up in an entirely different culture?

No. Your children did not. Your children need protection. Do you want to sacrifice their mental beauty, because that is what you are doing.

Snugglemonkey · 01/09/2023 19:49

Shirvanirva · 01/09/2023 17:05

We can maybe appease her for now because I don't want to be responsible if she ends up really unwell

You won't be, she will. If she is in danger, she can be sectioned.

Snugglemonkey · 01/09/2023 19:50

Ywudu · 01/09/2023 17:07

Not really. Manipulation and blackmail is abusive behaviour not cultural.

Show quote history

^ this

Riverlee · 01/09/2023 19:53

She’s using emotional blackmail to get her own way. Don’t pander to her whims. If she becomes ill, then that’s her choice. You won’t have made her ill, she has.