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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting my Mum to call me less? AIBU?

149 replies

bluecalendula · 01/09/2023 11:52

I’m 41, have two little DCs (7&2), run my own business with DH, and we’re shortly about to move house to a bigger place we’ll be renovating. We are ambitious and always have a lot going on, but we like it that way

My mum and dad live 5 miles away and due to their ill health they can’t do childcare any more. But we try to see them at least twice a month (often more) for an afternoon or dinner or something, and went on holiday with them for a week this summer.

I don’t know how to instil boundaries on communicating with my Mum (80). She calls me roughly every other day, for a chat and to find out what we’re doing. I find it intensely irritating and have started to regularly ignore the calls to try and get her to reduce them. But she leaves voicemails, then has a go at me about it next time I see her.

Our relationship is fine but I do have some resentment from childhood stuff. I have decided she probably has ADHD and a touch of narcissism, so I don’t find her easy company, she’s not a great listener and can be controlling. My dad (also 80) is quiet and gentle and totally under the thumb, he just does what he’s told.

How do I instil better boundaries and expectations about the calls? I wish we didn’t live so close. My Dsis finds the calls annoying too but still picks up the phone every time.

When they have health problems I regularly drop everything to help out, and am the go-to member of the family for fixing all life’s difficulties. I don’t mind this, but don’t want to be leant on every day for inane chats

Am I being unreasonable? Would love to hear of how others manage their elderly parents. I probably need to go back to therapy again..

OP posts:
Original poster
bluecalendula · 01/09/2023 12:20

Bump?

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 01/09/2023 12:48

I used to ring my mum every day and my sister rang her at least twice a day. I don’t think every other day is too much of an imposition.

Maxus · 01/09/2023 12:50

One day she won't be there to ring you. Let her get on with it, some day you will regret thinking this

Elsiebear90 · 01/09/2023 12:50

I wish my mum would call me regularly, I don’t hear off her for weeks at a time. If it’s bothering you just tell her to cut it down as you don’t have the time, maybe just once a week instead.

SunnieShine · 01/09/2023 12:52

Maxus · 01/09/2023 12:50

One day she won't be there to ring you. Let her get on with it, some day you will regret thinking this

Exactly.

orangeyeahthatsright · 01/09/2023 12:53

Maxus · 01/09/2023 12:50

One day she won't be there to ring you. Let her get on with it, some day you will regret thinking this

This.

minipie · 01/09/2023 12:54

I would probably pick up but limit the length. 5 minutes and then “oops, oven is beeping, go to go!” Or similar.

ToughFuss · 01/09/2023 12:55

I get where you’re coming from, when you’re busy, it’s super annoying to have the phone ringing all the time. Would you be able to schedule calls a bit more? Like if she rings at an annoying time, text and ask her to ring at x time or whatever? I get on very well with my ma but she’s inclined to ring right on teatime or just before which is the worst time possible really, so I understand the irritation.

hattie43 · 01/09/2023 12:57

I used to feel like this until I thought of my friend who will never hear her mum again . I try to be more patient but Mums can be intense so I just ignore the phone if I'm busy .

Greydogs123 · 01/09/2023 12:57

Could you tell your mum that she can call on a Wednesday and Sunday (or whatever is convenient) and outside of that you’re not going to be available. Maybe if she knows there is a regular call she’ll be able to wait. Is she a bit bored?

Whitepaleness · 01/09/2023 12:58

I disagree with PP; my mum is similar definitely harder working and not all sunshine and roses.

I hate it when people say one day she might not be here, well yes that’s true but also making yourself unhappy for her isn’t right either.

OP maybe you can set a boundary and say for the next few weeks you’re super busy with work etc and could you speak to her Wednesday night and visit at the weekend? Basically try to get it down to twice a week.

girlfriend44 · 01/09/2023 12:59

God I would love to hear from my mum but I can't cos she's dead
This kind of post annoys me.

Please think about it. If she died tomorrow you will really regret this post.

Drummend01 · 01/09/2023 13:01

I don’t think every other day is unreasonable, youre her child and they’re her grandchildren. She just wants to be involved in your life and is probably lonely.

“My mum and dad live 5 miles away and due to their ill health they can’t do childcare any more. But we try to see them at least twice a month”, that sounds a bit like now they can’t do childcare you see them less which is a shame if true. They’re not just good for babysitting

gamerchick · 01/09/2023 13:02

Maxus · 01/09/2023 12:50

One day she won't be there to ring you. Let her get on with it, some day you will regret thinking this

Can we have just one thread where someone doesn't pull this blackmaily crap? You don't put with shit just because one day they won't be there.

I'd carry on ignoring the calls if telling her once a week isn't enough. I'd also spread out the go too fixer stuff as well with other people. It's not a good thing to be the one who does everything.

dottypotter · 01/09/2023 13:03

Horrible post
First World problems.

How would you like it if this was your child moaning about you?

Greenberg2 · 01/09/2023 13:04

girlfriend44 · 01/09/2023 12:59

God I would love to hear from my mum but I can't cos she's dead
This kind of post annoys me.

Please think about it. If she died tomorrow you will really regret this post.

It annoys me that some people don't understand that not everyone's mother was lovely and maternal.

OP I get it. If she wasn't there for you when you needed her, it's a bit hard for her to expect you to be there for her now. It's okay to set some boundaries and say that you can't talk for long. She shouldn't guilt you into the kind of relationship you would have wanted a long time ago, just because she wants it now because she's more vulnerable.

Random789 · 01/09/2023 13:04

I have decided she probably has ADHD and a touch of narcissism

Can't you just acknowledge that you are impatient with your mum's need to chat without imposing 'diagnoses' on her? It is gratuitous and makes your otherwise perfectly reasonable annoyance seem a bit overbearing.

Calls every other day might be too much for you, but objectively speaking it doesn't seem like an unreasonable frequency. If she is unable to reduce the frequenc,y could you reduce the duration of each call? Make it clear that chats of longer than, say, 10 mins make you edgy and pressured so that you will want to end the conversation when that time ends.
Above all, don't make it seem that she is the one at fault. She could, with equal legitimacy, perceive you as the one that is at fault, whereas the reality is simply that there is a mismatch of preferences that requires compromise on both sides.

SkaterGrrrrl · 01/09/2023 13:06

Her local Age UK is likely to do telephone befriending where a kind volunteer will ring her for a chat.....

NumberTheory · 01/09/2023 13:06

How long have the every other day calls been a habit? And how did they develop?

I don’t agree with the sentiment of the first lot of posters that it’s somehow your duty to/obligation to talk to her (especially not the - one day she’ll be gone - type of emotionally manipulative plea) but if, for instance, you’ve been talking to her every other day while she did provide childcare and now she can’t you find it’s a chore you can’t be bothered with, I think that would reflect a bit badly on you.

There are a bunch of different techniques, none of which are guaranteed to work. You are most likely to be successful with something upfront and direct, but that risks hurting her feelings more (though it might be more honest than things like pretending you’re just too busy to answer the phone).

One technique that skirts the line is taking control of when you next speak by saying to her something like “I’ll call you next Saturday” when you end a call, then put some time aside next Saturday and call her and have a longer conversation than you normally would when she calls each day. You can also do things like not answer her calls but then text her with “Sorry I missed your call mum, is it urgent? If not I’ll chat on Saturday.”

TheInterceptor · 01/09/2023 13:08

I'm L/NC with my mother. If I heard she'd died I'd be relieved.

SkaterGrrrrl · 01/09/2023 13:08

And yeah not all of us have lovely fluffy mums and have to brace ourselves to pick up the phone.

Squirrelblanket · 01/09/2023 13:10

Not everyone has a warm and loving relationship with their mum. Some people suffered abuse or emotional neglect from their mum. For some people, it's a relief when their mum isn't around anymore.

Seriously, is it that hard for some people on this thread to realise that not everyone has the same experience and try show a bit of empathy. Yeah, thought not.🙄

berksandbeyond · 01/09/2023 13:11

Sounds a bit like they’re not useful to you anymore (can’t do childcare comment) so you’re not bothered anymore?

girlfriend44 · 01/09/2023 13:12

gamerchick · 01/09/2023 13:02

Can we have just one thread where someone doesn't pull this blackmaily crap? You don't put with shit just because one day they won't be there.

I'd carry on ignoring the calls if telling her once a week isn't enough. I'd also spread out the go too fixer stuff as well with other people. It's not a good thing to be the one who does everything.

Show quote history

Yes people do have to be reminded because it's easy to take people for granted while they are alive.

It's hardly putting up with shit either just cos your mum wants to call you.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 01/09/2023 13:12

girlfriend44 · 01/09/2023 12:59

God I would love to hear from my mum but I can't cos she's dead
This kind of post annoys me.

Please think about it. If she died tomorrow you will really regret this post.

And this ^^ kind of posts annoys me.

It's really quite unpleasant to try and guilt-trip someone based on the fact that your mum is no longer here.

OP isn't you and doesn't have the same relationship with her mum as you did with yours. It's not kind to project your feelings on to her like that.