Getting my Mum to call me less? AIBU?

[bluecalendula]

I’m 41, have two little DCs (7&2), run my own business with DH, and we’re shortly about to move house to a bigger place we’ll be renovating. We are ambitious and always have a lot going on, but we like it that way

My mum and dad live 5 miles away and due to their ill health they can’t do childcare any more. But we try to see them at least twice a month (often more) for an afternoon or dinner or something, and went on holiday with them for a week this summer.

I don’t know how to instil boundaries on communicating with my Mum (80). She calls me roughly every other day, for a chat and to find out what we’re doing. I find it intensely irritating and have started to regularly ignore the calls to try and get her to reduce them. But she leaves voicemails, then has a go at me about it next time I see her.

Our relationship is fine but I do have some resentment from childhood stuff. I have decided she probably has ADHD and a touch of narcissism, so I don’t find her easy company, she’s not a great listener and can be controlling. My dad (also 80) is quiet and gentle and totally under the thumb, he just does what he’s told.

How do I instil better boundaries and expectations about the calls? I wish we didn’t live so close. My Dsis finds the calls annoying too but still picks up the phone every time.

When they have health problems I regularly drop everything to help out, and am the go-to member of the family for fixing all life’s difficulties. I don’t mind this, but don’t want to be leant on every day for inane chats

Am I being unreasonable? Would love to hear of how others manage their elderly parents. I probably need to go back to therapy again..

Yet another poster who think everyone's relationships are the same.
Being related is irrelevant - if there is a person we don't like very much, we are under no obligation to speak to them (nor them to us - it works both ways). If the OP is speaking to her mother 2 or 3 times a week, and seeing her a couple of times a month, that already sounds like a significant amount of time to me. I would find it far too much. The point is that we are all different, and that's OK.

But that was your mum. Not all experiences are the same. I had a difficult mum but what made me feel even worse was when friends told me how marvellous their mums were. Not helpful at all.

I hear you OP. My mum is 87 and as difficult as ever, more so as she has aged. My own mum has always been emotionally unavailable and has bullied me and others all my life, I remember keeling over from the stress of work/parenting toddlers/house renovation and she didn't give a crap, she piled on even more with her needs even at a time I needed surgery and I realised its only ever about her, always.

You need boundaries and to train her, in some ways its like wrangling a toddler. You also need to realise that you can't and won't ever change her, you can only change yourself and your reactions. Your boundaries are entirely up to you and from your post they sound pretty solid. I have learned to use stock phrases like "I'm sorry you feel that way about..:" (not answering the phone. not racing to your bedside when you fell out with a neighbour or discovered a new liver spot) but to leave it there without giving my opinion or justifying myself. "you remember it that way but my recollection is different" is another good one, also without giving details of how you remember events. I repeat frequently to my mum that other people have reasons for doing things in their lives without the need to centre her opinion, she doesn't like it but it acknowledges her current drama without adding fuel. I do not give details about my personal life so it can't be torn to shreds, I'm always just vaguely busy. I also never answer my mum's calls, she has her own ringtone so I know not to pick up, they go to voicemail and I listen when I feel ready for whatever she might have to say and reply to one in 3 or 4 calls after waiting 24 hours. Unless the voicemails are negative or ranty, then I don't respond at all and take an automatic 1 month break from her.

Some posters on this thread would be horrified by this, she's my mum how could I, but some of us have mothers who are a never ending well of need and negativity, inflict pain and enjoy the conflict and drama they cause, so the alternative to doing what I do would be to cut her out of my life completely. I do love her but our relationship is kept on a cordial, vague footing because after a lifetime of her dominating my live through fear, obligation and guilt I realise that what we have now is as much as she has ever been capable of.

People who have lovely nurturing mothers and lovely relationships with them as adults well done you, give yourselves a pat on the back, but pack it in with the snide guilt trips and try to understand that not everybody has a nurturing and loving mum. When parents like this die its a release from abuse more than a loss. We've already struggled with the pain of 'loss' while they were alive since they weren't remotely capable of being the type of mum those who are sneering on this thread have enjoyed. I miss my mum too, I've probably missed her since I was about 4 years old, even though she's still alive.

I would say @OP you not obliged to speak to your mother every time she phones . Just say - sorry busy would x time work. I do wonder ( & it may have been just the way it came out ) you said they cannot do childcare any more but we try to visit them. Are you seeing them less because no childcare?

I phone my father ( who is often busy ) and we do it at random times but if one of us is busy , then arrange a better time for the call. I do know some of his regular times out / hobbies but not all . DF is 85.

I think this is awful.

With parents in their 80s and in ill healthy, they are likely lonely and house bound and you may be the only communication they have other than each other.

I wouldn't have an issue with a daily call. In fact, my child's dad rings our child every evening and I accommodate despite being a single parent with a dog and working 40 hours a week. If my mum wanted a call, I would certainly try to accommodate it as well as I could.

You say you are ambitious and have your own business. You will hugely regret putting work before your family later in life when family members are no longer there.

Let your poor mother call. Limit the phone call durations if it is a huge issue from your perspective.

My DM was killed at 69 in an accident. We got on fine but I don't regret not speaking to her more. The argument gives people free reign to behave how they like because they will die one day! Ridiculous.
This will only escalate as they get older and when one is left alone. It's not your job to keep her entertained. Is moving an option? SIL is just starting antidepressants because of similar. She lives next door and says it's her biggest mistake.
I wouldn't answer her calls if it wasn't convenient. And if she had a go I would answer even less.

You won't necessarily. More emotional blackmail.

This is such a profound post, thank you for sharing. It really says everything. I’m so glad you have managed to forge a life on your own terms now

Hi, could you perhaps say that some days are less rushed than others so maybe she could call on X and Y days when you have time for a proper chat?

Ah, you didn't let on that she'd been the type of 'old school' parent to shout and hit a lot when you were younger. Without knowing the details and whether it was reasonable based on parenting attitudes at the time, I can understand why your view of your mum looking after you is very different from your children's view of their granny looking after them.

Given your parents' ages, it may be that your children never know them at that age where, as you say, the relationship gets more real, so they might not face some of the same struggles.

If your parents and children are happy enough to interact over a video call, I think I'd facilitate that regularly. It's not childcare because you can't leave your kids with a video babysitter, so it doesn't benefit you in that way, but if your mum does just want to feel more involved, it takes the pressure off you, being the 'facilitator' rather than the active participant.

I think that's the sort of approach I would take - subtly taking a step back, whilst still letting your children and their grandparents interact on the basis that they all have a better relationship, and that's one that is worth preserving for as long as it remains a healthy one.

It's reasonable to say too much has happened for you to want to indulge in small talk every day with your mum, and kind to instead have the 7-year-old call granny after school to parrot on about all kinds of 'exciting' things that have happened during the day.

You said you didn't want to make inane chatter - small children excel at that. Perhaps getting a stand-in would actually work quite nicely for all parties concerned.

'Some posters on this thread would be horrified by this, she's my mum how could I, but some of us have mothers who are a never ending well of need and negativity, inflict pain and enjoy the conflict and drama they cause'

This is my MIL to a tee, and my own mother to a large extent too. It's unbelievably suffocating and draining. And well said on the guilt trippers - accept that you have no experience of OP's situation, and pack it in

'I miss my mum too, I've probably missed her since I was about 4 years old, even though she's still alive'

This is so desperately sad, and I can absolutely relate. Sending you a hug x

You say you are ambitious and have your own business. You will hugely regret putting work before your family later in life when family members are no longer there.

Are you psychic?

She is 80. You won't always have her calling because she won't be around. Go with it while you have her.

Horrible post
First World problems.

You could say this about more posts here!!

I find it very sad that you have 80 year old parents who live five miles away and you 'try and see them at least twice a month'. Don't put yourself out there too much, will you ...

This thread is batshit!

How often do you think the OP should see them?

".....I have decided she probably has ADHD and a touch of narcissism...." Have you now, doctor .

Your mum is probably lonely, and perhaps she misses being able to help with the childcare (you were grateful to see her then, I assume).

Could you suggest to your mum that she calls you at a particular time? She might not keep ringing you if she saw you more often, or you rang her sometimes.

My DM was killed at 69 in an accident. We got on fine but I don't regret not speaking to her more. The argument gives people free reign to behave how they like because they will die one day! Ridiculous.

yep better stop all those threads where people moan about their partners, friends, children, siblings as they will die one day!

This is such a facile view.

My mum died last year. Did I love her? Yes. Do I miss going on 60mile round trips to take her to look at gardens and drink tea with her every week? Yes. Did I spend the last 72 hours of her life sleeping in chairs beside her? Yes.

Do I miss being called several times a day, frequently being given the sniffy treatment for something I hadn’t done, or had failed to tell her, or had had a psychic powers failure as a PP described above, or hearing about my lovely brother’s many failings? No. Do I regret having been irritated with her, or having ignored calls? No.

Life and people are complicated.

My mil used to get my Dh or his brother to ring the doorbell when her mother phoned her. I think it’s a decent technique. Add in ‘Ooh, must go, that’ll be the shopping’ or similar, then ‘I’ll phone you in a few days’. Then you’re dictating when you next speak to her.

I remember a colleague saying her mum rang her every day. I have no idea what I could say if my mum rang every day. I cringe at the pp persistently saying they wish they could talk to their mum every day, it’s not the same when the relationship isn’t brilliant.

This. No daughters are perfect either.

Like said, your kids may say this about you one day, and how would you like it?

But what if it’s not healthy for OP? Is she supposed to just ignore that?

I get it.

Something that has helped me is being more proactive about calling because I realised that a lot of it was feeling intruded on.

And also getting wireless headphones so I now regularly call my parents while I put away my laundry/tidy the house.

Like you, I am really busy with a full on job and young children, it really helps me to combine it with something productive.

I also give myself permission to zone out sometimes when there's too much "oh you remember Daisy from school? Well her aunt's neighbour had a knee operation" type stuff

Some people on this thread really are being pricks aren't they? OP, don't listen to them. Talking every day is too much, even for a good relationship.

Well, no, op won't, because she has a very different relationship with her mother than you did with yours! Can't you see that? The two situations are not the same.