Getting my Mum to call me less? AIBU?

[bluecalendula]

I’m 41, have two little DCs (7&2), run my own business with DH, and we’re shortly about to move house to a bigger place we’ll be renovating. We are ambitious and always have a lot going on, but we like it that way

My mum and dad live 5 miles away and due to their ill health they can’t do childcare any more. But we try to see them at least twice a month (often more) for an afternoon or dinner or something, and went on holiday with them for a week this summer.

I don’t know how to instil boundaries on communicating with my Mum (80). She calls me roughly every other day, for a chat and to find out what we’re doing. I find it intensely irritating and have started to regularly ignore the calls to try and get her to reduce them. But she leaves voicemails, then has a go at me about it next time I see her.

Our relationship is fine but I do have some resentment from childhood stuff. I have decided she probably has ADHD and a touch of narcissism, so I don’t find her easy company, she’s not a great listener and can be controlling. My dad (also 80) is quiet and gentle and totally under the thumb, he just does what he’s told.

How do I instil better boundaries and expectations about the calls? I wish we didn’t live so close. My Dsis finds the calls annoying too but still picks up the phone every time.

When they have health problems I regularly drop everything to help out, and am the go-to member of the family for fixing all life’s difficulties. I don’t mind this, but don’t want to be leant on every day for inane chats

Am I being unreasonable? Would love to hear of how others manage their elderly parents. I probably need to go back to therapy again..

It's not blackmail, it's the truth.

When I first met DH his parents rang every single night and also during the day on weekends. They were doing the same to his brother. They were bored and would have exactly the same conversations over and over just to fill time up.
He had to push back as we had children and spending the only time he was home and they were awake telling them for the 5th night in a row what we had done the following weekend.
Some of it is just habit. He told them it had to stop so they actually had something to talk about.
When they pass away I’m sure you would rather have memories of engaged conversations rather than holding the phone and going through the motions and resenting the time being used up.

One day you won't be able to speak to her though. My mum passed last year at 80, she could be a difficult lady without a doubt but I spoke to her daily. She lived 3 miles away so 2 miles less than yours and I used to see her at least 3 times a week, sometimes for only 20 minutes but she was happy with that.

I can't believe you only see your parents twice a month and they only live 5 moles away!

Spare her 5 minutes every other day for a chat, or I think you'll regret it.

What is it with the blackmail?

what happens if op drops dead tomorrow will her mum regret the fact she kept having a go at her for letting the phone go to voice message?

@Random789 I'm very lucky in that I do have an amazing mother, without any history of conflict. I wouldn't say her calls are a "joy to take" only because I hate speaking on the phone but I certainly love spending time with her.

Despite that I've still got the situational awareness and absolute bare minimum level of empathy to realise that not everybody is the same and guilt tripping others with "your mum might be dead soon" is an unnecessary, unhelpful, and irrelevant example of cuntiness.

Thank you so much to every poster that is replying with compassion and understanding on this, I appreciate you ♥️

If you had a great relationship with your own mum, I am jealous of you, ok?!!! I am trying my hardest to be a different parent to my kids; one that is calm and listens, and loves them whatever they do.

I’m finding the replies who are empathic so, so helpful - just knowing I’m not the only one I guess…

When I say mum has ADHD, what I mean is she does things on a whim, and on her terms only, and expects people to jump when she clicks her fingers. She can be aggressive if you don’t do what she likes. I don’t stand for it anymore, but I see how she treats my dad, it’s bullying and it’s awful.

If I try to tell her anything about my life she just wants to give her opinion and tell me what to do, without taking the time to listen, it’s very exhausting.

Sending big solidarity to all the lovely people who have had difficult relationships with their own mums, I hope you are ok and I hope that like me, you are doing a bit of therapy to break the cycle…

Unless you were raised in an abusive household, I have no idea why you’re complaining about your dm. Seeing them twice a month when they live just 5 miles away only speaking to her every other day is not much of a hardship however busy you are.

She's your mum. I get that she wasn't perfect, not many of us are, but she's old, she's probably lonely even though she has your dad, and the phone calls might be the highlight of her day.
But you carry on imposing your boundaries. Maybe one day your own children might impose theirs.

Hi OP, my advice would be to tell her you’ve got a lot on your plate atm and you need some time in the day for yourself and to wind down. If you still want to, schedule a call for once or twice a week and that’s it.

Is your mum lonely? Could you help her find some local groups or way of making friends?

Please don’t listen to all the guilt trippers on here ‘you’ll regret it blah blah blah’. I know how you feel as I also have a difficult relationship with my mum and definitely don’t want to speak to her much.

OP describes her mum as aggressive, controlling and unpleasant, and says they have a strained relationship.

Of course she should carry on imposing her boundaries. Her relationship with her own children is completely separate to that.

There’s a difference between ‘not being perfect’ and being a ‘bully’ as OP has described her mum. Believe it or not, some of our mums are twats, and being old and lonely doesn’t change that they are a twat.

Wow, the number of people who don't realise not everyone has a great relationship with their parents!

For the record my mum passed away last year and I don't miss her phone calls. We weren't close. She was a very self-involved person who offered me no support at some really difficult times in my childhood and adult life, but suddenly wanted a supportive daily-phone-call-daughter when it suited her. I do feel sad that I didn't have the supportive mum my friends had, but I don't miss being guilt tripped about not being a better daughter who wanted to chat every day. It is hard - and brings up lots of long-buried emotional issues - when parents expect the emotional support from you they never laid the groundwork for through their parenting.

It's okay @bluecalendula - there are plenty of us who understand where you're coming from. You're doing the right thing by enforcing your boundaries. Don't let anyone guilt you into believing otherwise.

'Unless you were raised in an abusive household, I have no idea why you’re complaining about your dm'

She has told you exactly why she finds her mum so difficult, it's right there in her OP

Gosh you’re so busy OP. Far too busy to indulge your elderly mother with some brief conversations to brighten up her day. I get it OP, I really do. It’s just so irritating when the woman who carried you for 9 months and raised you for the first what? 18 years of your life just wants a chat every other day.

I hope your extremely busy life allows for your extremely busy children being too busy to keep up with you regularly when you’re elderly and lonely and facing the final years of your life.

YABVU

I would do anything to have an elderly parent around to irritate me every other day looking for a chat.

I always think a relationship/interaction with anyone should be one where most of the time you should feel uplifted and positive rather than drained and positive. It is difficult if it is your parents, however, as there is that element of obligation, guilt and fear- and one which sounds as if has sadly, always been like this.You have every right to ask for less phone calls and keep that boundary. It is far better to have just one quality phone call a week for example, where you create that space to listen to her monologue and critisms etc as that will have far less impacts than frequent calls that will leave you anxious, stressed, angry etc and then have an impact on your mood with the rest of your family.Not everyone has a wonderful warm relationship with their Mums. I think you are doing the best you can OP.

Give over.
My dm did all that too. She also scared me every day, was emotionally abusive and ruined my self esteem
I do speak to her weekly but I do it on my terms.

'I would do anything to have an elderly parent around to irritate me every other day looking for a chat.'

Well that's tremendously sad, but has nothing to do with the OP's situation which she has described clearly in her first post. Or maybe you're just a much MUCH better person than she is?

Op doesn’t owe her mum anything. Op didn’t ask to be born. And Op is referring to her mum as a bully. It’s perfectly plausible that the person who gave birth to you is an arsehole and your post is horrible.

I think some people on here might actually be the mums with daughters avoiding their calls. The ones who expect daughters to jump at the needs of their mothers no matter how terrible the relationship is. The ones using emotional guilt tripping. Some people are telling on themselves.

Here’s a hint…..if your child only speaks to you because they’re scared they will feel guilty when you die….the your relationship isn’t great. Aim higher.

@bluecalendula I'm another one here who sympathises with you.

My Mother was only ever interested in herself and every conversation would be turned so that she was talking about herself, within less than 5 minutes. She would even cut you off mid-sentence to talk about her. She just wasn't interested in anything to do with me or mine. Every phone call was an hour or more and if she phoned again on the same day ( or the next) and had nothing else to say, she would just conduct a monologue basically, with the exact same conversation we had already had. You simply couldn't just have a 5-10 minute call. Ever.

I tried many of the things suggested by some of the posters here and none of them worked. I envy those who had decent Mothers: No Mother is perfect (including me for my children), but some shouldn't have ever had children. So please understand, that those that are having a go at you on here simply have no conception that some parents can be as bad as all that and don't take it personally.

I did a great deal of stuff for my Mother before she died, on top of carers who came in twice a day and a cleaner/cum home help twice a week, spending hours every week on things to basically ensure she could stay in her own home until she died. She was my Mother in spite of everything and I wasn't going to abandon her as a result. But my MH suffered hugely. So my conscience is clear. She was 93 when she passed and my first instant reaction was one of relief - immediately followed by guilt because I was relieved in the first instinctive reaction. I sometimes think about her, but do not actually miss her badly at all, so no-one can tell you how you will feel because they haven't got a clue. They are not You or in your position

You need to do what is best for you, your family and your Mum and it is a balancing act I would say. You are not alone at all in trying to deal with something like this. Sending hugs x

I would do anything to have an elderly parent around to irritate me every other day looking for a chat.

That's not OP's problem and it's really shit of you to try and guilt-trip her based on your own issues.

If I am reading this right the parents provided child care but are now no longer able to through ill health, so chatting every other day seems a small thing to do in return.

Same with me. I couldn't agree with you more. A phone call every couple of days and two visits a month isn't exactly excessive.

I get where you’re coming from but I think it still depends on how OP’s mum treats her.

My mum is nice as pie to my little boy but is still an arsehole to me.