Getting my Mum to call me less? AIBU?

[bluecalendula]

I’m 41, have two little DCs (7&2), run my own business with DH, and we’re shortly about to move house to a bigger place we’ll be renovating. We are ambitious and always have a lot going on, but we like it that way

My mum and dad live 5 miles away and due to their ill health they can’t do childcare any more. But we try to see them at least twice a month (often more) for an afternoon or dinner or something, and went on holiday with them for a week this summer.

I don’t know how to instil boundaries on communicating with my Mum (80). She calls me roughly every other day, for a chat and to find out what we’re doing. I find it intensely irritating and have started to regularly ignore the calls to try and get her to reduce them. But she leaves voicemails, then has a go at me about it next time I see her.

Our relationship is fine but I do have some resentment from childhood stuff. I have decided she probably has ADHD and a touch of narcissism, so I don’t find her easy company, she’s not a great listener and can be controlling. My dad (also 80) is quiet and gentle and totally under the thumb, he just does what he’s told.

How do I instil better boundaries and expectations about the calls? I wish we didn’t live so close. My Dsis finds the calls annoying too but still picks up the phone every time.

When they have health problems I regularly drop everything to help out, and am the go-to member of the family for fixing all life’s difficulties. I don’t mind this, but don’t want to be leant on every day for inane chats

Am I being unreasonable? Would love to hear of how others manage their elderly parents. I probably need to go back to therapy again..

Well your kind of post annoys me
How hard is it to think beyond your own circumstances and realise some people don't have lovely perfect relationships with their parents and don't feel exactly the same way you do.

Ohh ffs, the usual "just be glad your mum can call you" nonsense.

Sometimes, having someone call you for no fucking reason is just a pain in the arse. My parents do this and even when they are gone I will continue to think it was a pain in the arse when they called for no reason.

I think often people reply to these threads on the basis of their own experience of their relationship with their parent. For someone with a fairly good relationship they may not see the harm in these calls. However those of us with difficult relationships with selfish parents understand.

My mum was completely out of control with calling me Constantly. If I answered every time she called me she would call 7/8/9 times a day easily . Despite this she is often quite rude on the phone and calls with her are horribly inane and self centred. So I get your perspective op. Personally I just ignore calls if I cannot/do not want to answer. Any attempts at asking for less calls or managing it directly have been unsuccessful because she doesn’t care about what I want/need only about what she wants/needs.

Personally I’d continue ignoring and get comfortable with it. I’ve accepted a while ago that I may have some difficult feelings of guilt when my mum passes, but I can’t allow her to overstep into my life now for fear of guilt in the future.

solidarity op. I hope you find something that work and enables you to have a comfortable balanced relationship with your mum.

Not everyone gives a toss about the person who gave birth to them that much. Seems people need to be reminded of that as well when the blackmail bullshit comes out.

The OP does enough and doesn't want to be rang for a chat by someone every couple of days. Why should she put up with it just because it's her mother?

They can't 'do childcare anymore'? Did they before? If so, and if they did it regularly or for free then bluntly, it's your turn now to be civil. Every other day is not a big ask. Just store up two or three anecdotes or bits of news. Ask for one small bit of advice occasionally, so she feels useful, and always have a reason to get off the phone after about 10 minutes. Got to pick up a child from a friend's or take something out of the oven or clean your paint brushes before the paint dries on them. It's OK to be busy and not talk for ages. But 10 mins every other day is 5 mins a day for your own mother. that is manageable for anyone who didn't have an abusive relationship with their parents. (Being ADHD and a bit needy is not abusive. It's just annoying!)

I find it very sad that you have 80 year old parents who live five miles away and you 'try and see them at least twice a month'. Don't put yourself out there too much, will you ...

I would love to hear from my mum too, and also won't because she's also dead.

However, since OP isn't me, and her mum isn't my mum, and their relationship is nothing like the one I had, that's completely irrelevant.

Guilt tripping/blackmailing people about wanting some boundaries to help their MH is gross.

But she leaves voicemails, then has a go at me about it next time I see her.

ask your mum this

mum if you beat a dog with a stick or stroke and are kind to a dog, what do you think will get the best results to get the dog to want to be with you?

if she answers love and kindness

tjen mum if you keep having a go at me when I don’t answer the phone, I’m less likely to call you back as I know you’ll get the stick out

OP describes her mum as controlling, slightly narcissistic and a poor listener. Would you want to spend lots of time with someone like that?

I wish posters on these threads would be more understanding of the fact that not everyone has lovely parents who are easy to spend time with.

OP's under no obligation to spend time with someone who she finds difficult and unpleasant - the fact that that person happens to be her mother is completely irrelevant.

Says someone who's never had someone repeatedly phoning them with nothing in particular to say, when they're busy.

So as well as trying to cook dinner, sort the washing, supervise homework and prepare for the next work/school day, you also have to make conversation with someone trying to fill time on their hands. Which is what the OP is complaining about.

My mum died 15 years ago. Im similar age to you and tbh im sick of hearing other people complaining of their parents being a burden. Shes only calling you for a chat fgs. Shes 80. She probably does fuck all else day in day out. Give her a break. Shes probably lonely. I wonder if your kids will feel the same about you at her age?

im taking the piss when i say this but, why dont you build them a granny annexe in your new house, then they will see you more/wont need to css as ll often 😆

'Please think about it. If she died tomorrow you will really regret this post.'

That's really unfair and inappropriate. Some people may speak to their mums 5 times a day, and love every second. OP has explained that she has a difficult relationship with her mum and is finding every other day too much

I have a vaguely similar relationship with my mum and I get it OP. You're wondering if you need to go back to therapy - that might be something to consider. I was in therapy for a long time and it helped me no end with setting boundaries and learning to manage my relationship with my parents. Practically, I would start ending phonecalls with something like 'right, busy few days coming up Mum, so let's chat on X day' - take charge, rather than just waiting for the phone to ring

And if you can, ignore the emotional blackmail crew on here. They just don't get it, and lucky them

I fully agree with this. Your comment sounds like 'now they can't do stuff for me I just need them to leave me alone.' It's a pity you feel like that. They might feel terrible they can't help out anymore and see the grandchildren as much...so this is their way of trying to stay involved in their life day to day. I know that discussing what the grandkids are up to makes up much of the day to day conversation of the grandparents in our set up.

You've got a lot on your plate OP with young children, a business, a busy life. At 80, your mum isn't going to change and she is probably lonely and may feel that her life is over (was she a SAHM?) and so she wants to hear about your's especially if your parents can't now look after the grandchildren. I'm amazed at how much pleasure people get from their grandchildren even if it's clearly hard work looking after them for many grandparents.

I agree that you just have to be firm. Don't always answer the calls, don't always answer the voicemails. If she gets at you, can you be calm and firm and just say how busy you are? There's something called the broken record response isn't there? Just repeat your position and say when you will be in touch. Can you get your 7 year old to make regular cards etc for granny or video messages if both kids are up to it?

By the sound of it, you are giving an awful lot under the circs so you don't need to feel guilty. If you persist with imposing some boundaries, she should begin to get it. Last thought, is your dad up to you sharing some of your frustration with your mother? Even if he just does as he's told (typical man!), maybe he could try some distraction or support for you when you don't instantly respond. Good luck.

I find it sad that you have read the op of someone who is struggling with their relationship and communicating with their mother and instead of being helpful
you berate them….with not one useful bit of advice.

I always find it interesting that people reply with harshness and negativity rather than compassion…..often whilst berating the op for not having compassion for someone else. Does the irony pass you by?

'OP describes her mum as controlling, slightly narcissistic and a poor listener'

Some people read stuff like this, but it doesn't go in. They just see the word 'mum' and think of sweetness and light. Mums are just people - some are great, some are awful, lots are somewhere in-between. Some are downright dreadful

“Mum is this an emergency? I can’t chat now, but will call you when I have the time and mental space to give you the attention you deserve. Gotta run! Bye!”

OP i get it. I may be projecting but I am wondering if, like my mother, yours was never ‘there for you’ as a child, so is gaming to be expected to be ‘there for her’ when you have very little in the tank. Ignore the posters who don’t have the imagination to see that some mothers are draining, difficult and you need to be robust to speak to them.

i never answer the phone unless I have enough strength to deal with the monologue, though I like the boundaries another poster put about specifying set days. Good luck.

Ring her and hand the phone to the dc. Half an hour of toddler speak and she will be off!!

Please try not feel pressurized or upset by the "you'll be sorry when she's dead" responses, they aren't helpful.

My mother died in her 60s and we had a pretty good relationship, but I still wouldn't have wanted to speak to her every other day and don't now spend my time wishing that I had!

Personally, it tends to be unplanned calls that intrude into every day life (and don't have a good immediate reason) that are a paid. Would you be happy to have a proper call with her once a week? twice a week? Could you suggest to her that you tend to be a bit distracted when she calls and you'd be better able to give her your full attention and more than 5 minutes if she always called at 10am on a Sunday and 8pm on a Wednesday (or whatever). While letting her know that you are of course available if it's really urgent (sub-text - but not otherwise!)

I love my dm very much, but I can understand how the OP feels.

It's not necessarily about the phone calls per se, it's that she's got a lot to be done and feeling she's got to stop for a chat, which means the job is still there to be done. And also a chat is often longer than a call to ask something, and you can end up feeling guilty when you say "I've got to get on" - at any rate I do! Even though you've spent an hour you didn't have chatting.

Op, I have an arrangement with dm. We call on one day a week and send a catch up email on another. Having it as a regular arrangement, means you know not to go to bed early/start something etc. If one of us is busy that night, then we'll arrange another night. Occasionally I'll call and say I'm not feeling brilliant so can we make it a short call. If something comes up, we'll call another night.
It's much easier all round having an hour to two phone call, and knowing when it will be, than a half an hour call that you feel guilty for saying you need to get on at the end.

Just keep ignoring the calls, don't listen to the voicemail and answer when you want to, she can complain all she likes but if you're busy, you're busy! and tell her so when she kicks up a stink either it will be the new normal or she will continue with her moaning.

I think it's a bit off for you to diagnose her with conditions because you are too busy to talk to her. If you don't want to talk to her then just explain to her that you are busy but make time for her another time. Do you ever call her?

My mum wasn't the greatest in the world and could be very demanding but I'm very aware that the last time I spoke to her I was a bit short with her because I was busy. She died the next day. I wish I'd been more patient.

But if you don't want to talk to her so often then it would be kind to tell her and explain why.

The "not everyone has lovely fluffy mums" responses seem a bit misguided. Almost no-one has the kind of fluffy mum whose phone calls are always a joy to take. We all have to put up with an amount of crap from our parents and a history of conflict in which the mother was sometimes the one at fault.

While I don't think it is particularly helpful to post replies like "Please think about it. If she died tomorrow you will really regret your attitude", it is very unfair to imagine that remarks like that come from a sentimental world of perfect family relationships. The fantasy that Other People's Mothers display this kind of perfection just feeds into an opposite fantasy about one's own mother -- that she must be controlling, narcissistic, or whatever, because her relationship with her daughter is fraught with troubles.
Mothers are all imperfect. For our own sakes as mothers we should embrace that and not get sucked into the illusion of fluffy-lovely versus nightmare.

You’re not horrible as other PP say. I think 3 times a week is plenty!! Can you agree some set days eg we speak Sunday evening? Also start the call with ‘Ive got 25 mins to chat before I have to put the kids to bed’ etc