Getting my Mum to call me less? AIBU?

[bluecalendula]

I’m 41, have two little DCs (7&2), run my own business with DH, and we’re shortly about to move house to a bigger place we’ll be renovating. We are ambitious and always have a lot going on, but we like it that way

My mum and dad live 5 miles away and due to their ill health they can’t do childcare any more. But we try to see them at least twice a month (often more) for an afternoon or dinner or something, and went on holiday with them for a week this summer.

I don’t know how to instil boundaries on communicating with my Mum (80). She calls me roughly every other day, for a chat and to find out what we’re doing. I find it intensely irritating and have started to regularly ignore the calls to try and get her to reduce them. But she leaves voicemails, then has a go at me about it next time I see her.

Our relationship is fine but I do have some resentment from childhood stuff. I have decided she probably has ADHD and a touch of narcissism, so I don’t find her easy company, she’s not a great listener and can be controlling. My dad (also 80) is quiet and gentle and totally under the thumb, he just does what he’s told.

How do I instil better boundaries and expectations about the calls? I wish we didn’t live so close. My Dsis finds the calls annoying too but still picks up the phone every time.

When they have health problems I regularly drop everything to help out, and am the go-to member of the family for fixing all life’s difficulties. I don’t mind this, but don’t want to be leant on every day for inane chats

Am I being unreasonable? Would love to hear of how others manage their elderly parents. I probably need to go back to therapy again..

No. Don't you understand that not all mothers are lovely and kind and wonderful??

This. With bells on. Bless her. Wish I could call my mum 😭

..a touch of narcissism

Is that like having a bit of a cold? 😂

Honestly posters need to consider what sweeping statements like these actually say about them. The irony of making such grandiose statements is not lost.

Thank you for this, I agree some of the replies are batshit!

thank you for making me chuckle :)

Chuckle all you like OP. All you have to do is tell her how you feel.

You must have missed the bit in the opening post where the OP mentioned that her mum isn't a great listener and could be controlling.

Some people you can't just have a gentle word with. Some people just need telling.

@LookItsMeAgain but that's what I've said. Tell her mum how she feels. It can be done in a kindly way.

Don’t let anyone guilt-trip you. They are sufferers of that MN affliction where they think everyone must feel the same way they do and have had the same life experiences.

I do the bare minimum for my parents. I had a crap childhood and don’t owe them anything. I will do my duty by them but that’s it.

If they die then I will have no regrets for not doing more. And I may even experience relief.

I am a decent and kind person. But I won’t feel obliged to run round people who have not cared about my feelings through my life.

I hate these posts

Emotional blackmail

This kind of dismissive response is so tedious to read. Read the thread properly and learn something about other people’s relationships with their mothers.

Wtf is "a touch of narcissism"? 😂

Once I thought I heard someone whisper my name when they didn't. Maybe I have a touch of psychosis.

Stop guilt, tripping her.

Do you think the relationship you had with your mum was identical to the one the OP has with hers? Do you think the OP’s mum is identical to yours?

well I can certainly diagnose a touch of sarcasm 😂

You won't. This tends to apply to parents who were thoughtful, with whom you had a healthy relationship.

This is a sensible suggestion for dealing with a reasonable sensible person. However when I tried this approach with my mother I got a response along the lines of below….

“Well I didn’t know my calls were such a burden to you. Sorry for wanting to talk to my daughter. Sorry for thinking you might want to talk to me. I would have never spoken to my mum like that. I only want to know you’re ok. I don’t expect a lot.”

Then I’d have a call from my cousin telling me how my mum is telling all my aunts I never want to talk to her again. My dad would call me and attempt to get me to back down because he thinks we should all dance round my mums wants. She would also ignore me and not call me for weeks….ironically thinking that it would hurt me when I actually liked the break from her.

Sadly with someone people you can’t just talk to them and tell them how you feel. Some people are simply not capable of operating in that way. If they are the great. I’m almost certain op wouldn’t be posting if simply telling her mum how she felt would have solved the issue.

Every other day doesn't sound like that much. Perhaps try to reduce the length of the call or call her so you have more control of timing. Just think about how you will feel if your children have the same attitude to you in a few years though.

Every other day sounds horrific. I speak to my mother once in a blue moon and that's quite enough.

OP clearly doesn't have a great relationship with her mother, just like I don't with mine. I cannot imagine what you all talk to your mothers about on a daily basis but that amount of contact sounds batshit to me.

So will you all give me the guilt trip replies too? Would you do the same if I told you my mother walked out on our family when I was a child? Or if I told you she beat me?

Everyone has a different experience of life. If OP asks for help with boundaries, give her help. Not the hand-wringing, head-shaking, tut-tutting replies I'm seeing.

OP - I totally get it. Just ignore the phone. That's what I did. My mother has given up phoning me. Which is great!

Well I speak to my octogenarian DM weekly and visit every 3-4 weeks ( they live an hour away). My cousin speaks to her DM weekly as well.
I'd struggle if they were more often.

I am a practical person and if something needs doing then I will be there, but I am not a patient person and I'm busy with work and menopausal.

I get where you are coming from OP. As you are fairly close maybe more regular short visits might reduce the call frequency?

As you said, everyone has different experiences. OP has said her relationship with her mother is fine so you don't really "get it" as your relationship with your mother obviously isn't. .

I sometimes wonder if those people who say with such authority "you'll regret it when she dies if you don't speak to her" ... actually never spoke to their own parents themselves, and so they're very quick to condemn others.

Although it still doesn't excuse them assuming with such certainty that they know what others will feel or think.

I am presuming that you felt your parents were sufficiently acceptable to look after your children. This is what puzzles me .... what is there about your mum (apart from her current ill health) that has changed so much that a phone call twice a week now feels too much?
Honestly, if she is such a pain, maybe you should not have availed yourself of her kindness to look after your children.
Fair exchange I think. I am sure there were times when the child care was not entirely convenient for her but she did it. Time for you to accept a very minor degree of inconvenience in return.

I have had the same experience as outlined above when I tried to set some boundaries with my mum. Blackmail, tears, tantrums, silent treatment.
She’s always wanted to be overinvolved in my life, so now I ‘grey rock’ a lot. I use wireless headphones and I am busy doing other things when she calls to talk at me every day. It’s clear she has hearing loss yet refuses to have a test or wear an aid; the result is that she monologues for 20 minutes at a time. She has been a conversational narcissist for as long as I can remember, so I’m expert now at tuning out.
OP, I’d suggest you try the wireless headphones and multitask while your mum chats if she’s likely to take any attempt at setting boundaries badly.