Getting my Mum to call me less? AIBU?

[bluecalendula]

I’m 41, have two little DCs (7&2), run my own business with DH, and we’re shortly about to move house to a bigger place we’ll be renovating. We are ambitious and always have a lot going on, but we like it that way

My mum and dad live 5 miles away and due to their ill health they can’t do childcare any more. But we try to see them at least twice a month (often more) for an afternoon or dinner or something, and went on holiday with them for a week this summer.

I don’t know how to instil boundaries on communicating with my Mum (80). She calls me roughly every other day, for a chat and to find out what we’re doing. I find it intensely irritating and have started to regularly ignore the calls to try and get her to reduce them. But she leaves voicemails, then has a go at me about it next time I see her.

Our relationship is fine but I do have some resentment from childhood stuff. I have decided she probably has ADHD and a touch of narcissism, so I don’t find her easy company, she’s not a great listener and can be controlling. My dad (also 80) is quiet and gentle and totally under the thumb, he just does what he’s told.

How do I instil better boundaries and expectations about the calls? I wish we didn’t live so close. My Dsis finds the calls annoying too but still picks up the phone every time.

When they have health problems I regularly drop everything to help out, and am the go-to member of the family for fixing all life’s difficulties. I don’t mind this, but don’t want to be leant on every day for inane chats

Am I being unreasonable? Would love to hear of how others manage their elderly parents. I probably need to go back to therapy again..

Speak to mum most days ,or more accurately listen !
Honestly I can put a washing on ,load the dishwasher and start tea during a20 minute call
If I an genuinely too busy ,but otherwise where’s the harm,and it means a lot to her

It is true that OPs Mother won't always be there to phone - but it is your truth @Maxus as to the reaction when that happens. The OP may never regret finding all the phone calls too much. You are not her

When I say mum has ADHD, what I mean is she does things on a whim, and on her terms only, and expects people to jump when she clicks her fingers. She can be aggressive if you don’t do what she likes

Though I know it's deeply fashionable I wouldn't be too quick to put everything down to ADHD; some are just plain entitled and unpleasant without any "condition" at all

On the face of it "every other day" doesn't sound so bad, but it's the context of what she's like during these calls which matters and you're quite right to impose whatever boundaries work for you, whether that's arranging certain days for her to call, making more use of the answerphone or anything else

For example are you comfortable with carrying all the load for health issues, appointments, etc.? If they're genuinely not able to get there alone many areas have a patient transportation scheme you could direct them to, or of course there are always taxis

Overall I guess what I'm saying is that this isn't going to get any better with age, so it could be best to put measures in place sooner rather than later

I’m so sorry your Mum was like that. It sounds like you suffered a lot in trying to do the best for her, I think you’re amazing

I think a lot about what it will be like when my mum passes. I know I will grieve, but in many ways I think I will always be sad about the Mum she couldn’t be to me.

a mature friend who has an awful mum (who was totally disinterested in her 3 kids and never gave them a penny of help once they’d left home despite having a huge inheritance and pension) once said to me “my mum is horrible, but I’d still prefer her over yours” which told me a lot about how other people see her!!

Yep. You are being very U.

And you can't have a "touch of narcissism"

This!!
Not everyone has a good relationship with their mum, Op I feel the same I ignore calls sometimes from my mother as all I get is an hour long monologue and the occasionally question that she never listens to the answer, it's very draining and quite frankly I dont have the emotional space for it!

I wouldn't be happy with phonecalls every other day.
I'd be straight with her and say that phonecalls every other day is too much for you, how would she feel about weekly on a Wednesday at 7pm or whatever works for you. If an emergency obviously she can call anytime.

If my adult dd was finding it too much that I was calling her this often I would want to know and I would want to respect her preference.

Maybe all those people whose mothers are dead would like to give the OP their phone number so that her DM can call them.

I understand that not all mothers are loving and caring.

However, I am puzzled as to why you let your parents do childcare previously if you genuinely believe your mum is a narcissistic bully and generally unpleasant person.

If she's not some monster and you just don't want to talk to her regularly because you have clashing personalities (it happens - being related doesn't necessarily mean you get on, no matter the best of intentions on either side), would you be happy to speak to your dad more often instead? (It sounds like he could relay the 'news' and then he and your mum could have a chat about that without you having to participate.)

Does your seven-year-old get on with her? Could they video chat whilst you do something else in the background, so you're half-supervising, half-not getting dragged in?

Do you get the sense your mum is calling because she specifically wants to find out everything that's going on with you, or because she's bored? If she's bored, you could potentially link up with some external befriending charities.

I hardly hear from my mum only if I call her or drive to see her.
We don't have a close relationship though. I'd love for her to call me more
This is how it's been for years so it's too late anyway to make amends now

Ring ring ring ring ring
me: Hello
mum: Why didn’t you tell me Susie was in hospital (said as if talking through gritted teeth”
Me: I didn’t know she was in hospital.
Mum: Well she is!!!
Me: oh, is she ok?
Mum: Well she’s in hospital so obviously she’s not ok is she!
Me: ok well I didn’t know. Why are you speaking to me so rudely?
Mum: Well I thought you knew and didn’t tell me.
Me: why would I not tell you if I knew Susie was ill?
Mum: I don’t know. Why wouldn’t you??? That’s What you’re like!!!

This….THIS is the type of phone call I get. Anyone suggesting I, or anyone else, should put up with this type of behaviour is ridiculous. Let alone dealing with it every other day. I mean my mum very rarely even says Hello when I answer…just goes right into “why haven’t you…..or Where are you “ etc.

Allow people to treat you badly if you want, but don’t question those of us who actually manage to have boundaries with people who treat us badly repeatedly and have done so throughout our whole life.

FYI after the above exchange I told her she was extremely rude and never to call
me and speak to me in that tone again, then hung up on her. Some people can’t be reasoned with, some people just need to be ignored and managed.

@BathingBeauty similar scenario here with my lovely FIL. Started during lockdown but has carried on- his partner died too and I do think he's lonely- doesn't really have many interests either. We have him to stay quite frequently for 3 or 4 days- my H can get irritated but I think it's more because there is little to say when you call that often

Unfortunately some people will never understand OP. As far as they are concerned 'mum' means warm, loving, caring, nurturing etc.

My mother is not a nice person. She lies and manipulates everyone around her.

Despite her demands for 'loyalty' she sees absolutely no problem whatsoever in being friends with my violent ex-husband (who threatened to kill me on a number of occasions), to the point that she invited him and his current DP to her home for a holiday. Maybe it's just me being silly and overly sensitive but that doesn't sound like something a loving mother would do.

So if you don't want to speak to your mother whenever she demands it then don't. And don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Only you know what your relationship is like with her, no one else.

I do wish people would stop projecting their relationships and their own situations onto others. Mother does not mean saint. Not all mothers are nice. Some are downright cruel and abusive.

OP, if she rings, you could ignore the phone. Then ring back a little later and say that you were vacuuming, in the garden, upstairs or whatever and didn't hear the ringer.

Put the oven timer on for 5/10 minutes and start by explaining that you've just got a few minutes as you've just put something in the oven. Then when the timer goes off, you'll have to go.

Thank you, this was kind and though provoking

She’s quite different as a granny to little kids, and is good at buying toys for them. The kids have a lot of fun when they visit. She doesn’t scream and shout or hit them like she did with us - I think she has changed over the years, or at least there’s less pressure as she only sees them for a few hours, so less chance to get cross

I imagine they will find her and my dad more difficult as they get older, as then it’s less about ‘games’ and more about real conversation, kindness and empathy. But I don’t know; I respect that they have their own relationship that’s different to the scars I have from my childhood.

I resonated a lot with this. Thank you so much for sharing, wise words

My mum passed several years ago. I'd give anything to hear her voice again.
You don't know what you've got till it's gone OP.

Every other day really isn't an imposition.

Although.. Having read your update.. I can see the broader picture.

Perhaps it's not fair to project onto your experiences.

Is there any point in speaking to her about calling less? Will she take it personally?

You might be surprised at the grief once your Mum dies.

It'll be more of the 'no more chances to sort stuff out and make things better' type of grief

After all, death can be rather final

In the meantime I'd switch off your voicemail

I have lost my mum and would do anything to speak to her every day.
BUT my mum is not everyone’s mum. People have different and complex relationships, I wouldn’t dream of projecting me missing my mum onto you not “appreciating” yours.
I would offer to call mum as frequently as you would like. And if she calls you when you are busy, just say that. If she moans about it just say “I’m really sorry mum, I’m very busy and I want to be able to chat properly without all the jobs I need to do on my mind”.
You could also suggest looking at some local groups or befriending services that she could access for some company

Well this kind of response annoys me! My mum is also dead but that doesn’t mean I can’t have some sympathy for someone who would like to set some boundaries for their mother. Following your logic, no one could ever ask for advice on anything! Imagine: you’re frustrated with your DH. Oh, but another poster is widowed, so how dare you express resentment when you’re lucky enough to have a living partner? Someone else is struggling with x, y or z to do with their young child — but another poster says their children have left home so no one else should say they’re struggling ever…
No real advice, OP, other than to answer when it suits you, not when it doesn’t. And when she complains next time you see her, just keep reminding her of your other commitments, keeping it vague to try to limit debate: sorry, mum, I was busy.

The way I would deal with it is this.

When you next see your mum, tell her, when you're face to face that you may not be able to get back to her straight away, there may be a day or two between phone calls. This is not set to worry her but more to let her know that you will be busy with the renovation, with the house move, with the children, with the job and with your own mental care routines that you must look after. Also, if she phones you every other day, then you're more likely to be able to give her more time than a quick 5 minute phone call, and you're also more likely to have news of your own that you could share with her. When it's every day, then not much really happens in the space of 24 hours.

Then you stretch out the time between calls by a day at a time so that you go from having chats every day to having chats every two days and then to having chats twice a week. You could then move to having one of those chats as a visit or dinner or whatever, so you'd be down to one phone call and one visit. Would that work for you all do you think?

Two posts in and we have this gem - She'll be dead one day so be grateful for the time you have left with her.

Not everyone gets along with their parents.
The OP was looking for help - do you really think, having read the OP's post that your suggestion was helpful to her situation?

Just shorten the calls. Its easy enough. Your Mum did childcare for you before her health problems so a brief call every 2 days isn't really an imposition, surely.