Sister's bf losing it whilst watching University Challenge

[bilfer]

Sister's boyfriend came over last week for a takeaway and a few beers.

After the meal we decided to crash on the sofa and watch tv. During University Challenge my sis and I were joking around at the questions/the ridiculous answers we came up with. All light hearted, we were just trying to make each other laugh really. Very much the norm for our family. Well, Sister's boyfriend leans into her multiple times genuinely angry and chastising her for talking over questions preventing him from answering (before passively aggressively rewinding). When I say it injected an awful energy into the room I am not being hyperbolic. He genuinely snapped and I was appalled but did not say anything.

Completely took me back to my childhood where my dad, who also has EXTREME anger issues, would explode out of nowhere. The sitting in awkward silence thing, makes me queasy.

I've begun to notice a pattern of behaviour which really concerns me. Always thought he was a bit boring but harmless.

I've also seen WhatsApp notifications to the effect of "PICK UP YOU FUCKING BITCH". I know now he was in a fairly serious situation but nothing my sister could directly help with as she was hundreds of miles away.

What can I do? She works in the City, is charming and lovely. Late 20s. So scared for her.

No, you have just proved that you are more interested in blaming women for a man's abuse than you are anything else.

Sounds like his behaviour triggered your own trauma from your childhood something which I can relate to. Your sister has been attracted to the familiar feeling of home that he gives off. It's a classic mistake a lot of us make ending up with someone just like the abusive parent we couldn't wait to get away from. All you can do is be there for your sister, keep the communication open with her and try to see her a little more often. Don't chastise yourself for not speaking out when he lost his cool, shutting down is my immediate reaction as well as I'm afraid for my safety if I 'give as good as I get' , years of conditioning from the volatile parent hag taught me not to stand my ground. Have you tried counselling op? I found it really helpful.

Agree with this. I like a quiz show so would be very frustrated!

His general behaviour sounds bad though.

I would never speak again to a man who called me a fucking bitch by text even if he was ill on a park bench or whatever was going on.

The quiz show drama? Not sure that telling two giggling women once to be quiet amounts to abuse. That's a bit strong, unless it's part of a long history of him doing this kind of thing.

Abuse is a really strong word and shouldn't be hurled about unless it's true. Being rude, obnoxious and up his own is not acceptable but is it abuse?

I'd define abuse as constant drip-drip criticism, making someone feel worthless, living in fear of being hurt physically or emotionally.

Is your sis experiencing that?

This.

Act Dottie? You’re acting like a fucking loon. Bore off.

Can I ask -is that actually true? Is It actually the case that as a family, if you see an opening to wind someone up, that is what happens, followed by the doe-eyed “what me?”.

not withstanding that. She has obviously got into a relationship with someone who shares your father’s temper, and he will undoubtedly clatter her round the place in time. So yes of course you should be scared for her.

But fucking hell- in his position I would have broken up with your sister as soon as I was home.

She didn't say that they were doing it in order to wind him up did she? as I read it they always act in this silly* way when they're together because it entertains them, and it happened to wind him up.

*nothing necessarily wrong with silly

Read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why does He Do That? recommend it to your sister and discuss it amongst you both. If you free up with abuse/DV it is unsurprising his behaviour feels familiar to your sister and therefore not alarming in the way it might to someone else. The book will help her both see this type of behaviour for what it is and future proof you (both) as well. It should be essential reading for all young women!

OP,

You need to spell out to her that she is marrying your father and will have a life like your mothers.

Let her get upset.
Let her ignore you.
That is her choice.

Tell her you will love her and support her but you have to tell her that her boyfriend is abusive, just like your father was.

Have your brother there.

If she gets upset, that is her being controlling and in denial.

She does NOT get to control your opinions of the prick she is going out with.

You cannot stop her fxxking up her life, that is her choice.

But you are not going to stand by and allow her to do it without telling her that you see him clearly.

You cannot do any more than that.

Should he lay a hand on her, you can report him.

Does she want any children she might have to have the type of childhood you had?

He felt like the third wheel whilst you two were cackling away.

Women who are friends and family who don't see each other all the time will often revert to what some men feel is 'silly behaviour'.

Instead of sucking it up he chose to be nasty.

I can understand him feeling left out but there was no need to be horrible about it.

Christ! Are you serious? Are you just winding people up?

How odd that you'd type this and then retract it when the responses aren't going your way...

WhatsApp messages are a big red flag.

However I love quiz shows and would be very annoyed by that kind of behaviour (I take them way too seriously though 😂)

This

Jesus wept. Get over yourself.

Do Clare's Law on her behalf to see if he has previous. Sounds a classic perp.

He sounds like a controlling annoying bully, it is not as if he came over to watch University Challenge, ye were only having a laugh, pity you did not say to him 'why did you not record it at home if you wanted to see it'. He needs to unwind and relax. Imagine what he is like when it is just him and your sister if he behaves like this in your home. I understand about the dad thing, I remember when we were teenagers and a movie was on and my sister and I started to laugh, nervous giggles and I was told 'up the fecking stairs' it was horrible. Could not relax and when we heard his footsteps coming we felt the same. Can you talk to your sister and just ask her does he shout at her etc, but just be aware if she says anything to him he will try to put a wedge between you. Maybe print off something about red flags etc and talk to her. Maybe he just wanted to show off if he knew the answers.

ActDottie he was a guest in her house and not over to watch University Challenge or Mastermind, are people not allowed to talk and have a laugh when they visit or everyone has to sit in silence and watch the show. Chill out for god's sake, her sister was over to chat and catch up and not to sit in silence when he was acting all anal.

Make sure you meet up with her on her own from time to time and gently mention to her do you not think he is like dad. I eventually got with someone who was like my dad as learned behaviour and very difficult time. Single for years and content and relaxed and happy to stay single.

My dad takes UC very seriously and my brother and I used to do silly answers. My brother used to answer every question with 'the Battle of Bannockburn.' We did let my dad hear the whole of the question before we did our silly answers so he could make a serious attempt at answering. I do get your sister's boyfriend's frustration at being unable to hear the questions.

Like PPs, I find the message much more disturbing.

Don’t play into his hands by falling out with him or calling him out. That would give him fodder for distancing your sister from you. You need to keep her close. Gently raise your concerns, but don’t tell her what to do and let her know she has your support no matter what. Good luck!

There's no excuse for calling her a bitch, even if he was hurt/in need of help. It's not like he shouted it in a moment of desperation. He had his wits about him enough to write it and send it.

Agree a more subtle approach is needed. By my presence alone (I'd been abroad for months and was feeling bright n breezy) I once "provoked" my now ex Step dad in to hitting mum and knocking her over. It was the first time such a definite line had been crossed after years of more sublte abuse, and happened in front of witnesses. They divorced shortly after.
My point is you may be able to give him his own rope and and make it your sister's call to ditch him once his behaviour becomes totally unacceptable, whilst not alienating her.