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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister's bf losing it whilst watching University Challenge

157 replies

bilfer · 31/08/2023 09:37

Sister's boyfriend came over last week for a takeaway and a few beers.

After the meal we decided to crash on the sofa and watch tv. During University Challenge my sis and I were joking around at the questions/the ridiculous answers we came up with. All light hearted, we were just trying to make each other laugh really. Very much the norm for our family. Well, Sister's boyfriend leans into her multiple times genuinely angry and chastising her for talking over questions preventing him from answering (before passively aggressively rewinding). When I say it injected an awful energy into the room I am not being hyperbolic. He genuinely snapped and I was appalled but did not say anything.

Completely took me back to my childhood where my dad, who also has EXTREME anger issues, would explode out of nowhere. The sitting in awkward silence thing, makes me queasy.

I've begun to notice a pattern of behaviour which really concerns me. Always thought he was a bit boring but harmless.

I've also seen WhatsApp notifications to the effect of "PICK UP YOU FUCKING BITCH". I know now he was in a fairly serious situation but nothing my sister could directly help with as she was hundreds of miles away.

What can I do? She works in the City, is charming and lovely. Late 20s. So scared for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
bilfer · 31/08/2023 10:46

Sister and I share a flat. But she spends 70% of her time now staying over with her bf. That particular night sis was already here from the day before, hence why I phrased it as sister's bf coming over.

OP posts:
minipie · 31/08/2023 10:47

It’s not about talking over the tv at all. Even if he found it annoying, as you say, he could have just said “guys do you mind, I’m trying to watch”. Losing his temper is a whole different kettle of fish.

Can you imagine what he would be like with a child, if he finds this so annoying as to lose his temper?

And as for the whatsapp messag…..

I don’t know what you do though 😔 if you’ve already tried to raise it and been stonewalled, I’m not sure what you can do.

Do you have a nice DP at the moment? Perhaps see more of your Dsis and her DP if so, as the more she sees of “normal” non angry couple behaviour, the more she might compare and realise her relationship is not great?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 31/08/2023 10:48

I come from a similar background and like you chose someone the opposite to my father.
In your situation I'd engineer seeing my DS without the BF as much as possible. With regards to talking to her about his abuse use the WA advice above. It's really difficult for you but at least your DS has a loving sister

qazxc · 31/08/2023 10:52

I understand why you didn't react. I come from a disfunctional family and my first instinct would also be to "freeze" and make myself as invisible as possible because that was the safest way when I was a child.
It's also hard to know what is "normal" when you have grown up in that type of environment, sometimes you overeact to things because they remind you of bad stuff and sometimes you underreact because it was "your normal".
IMHO. Yes, I would have been irritated at the talking over the program but would never have reacted in the way he did. And no, I would never send that type of text message.

WhenLifeGivesYouLimes · 31/08/2023 10:53

I'd say two things to her.

  1. I'm a bit concerned about the way he treats you. There are bits of behaviour which remind me of the way Dad behaved. That might be me being over sensitive, but there are things that make me uncomfortable: are you sure that he's always behaving as you deserve to be treated? Do you ever feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him?
  2. I'm here for you, and I always will be. There may come a time in the future when we're not as close for whatever reason, or we've had a row, or you've gone quiet on me for an uncomfortable length of time. But if you need me, don't let those things stop you from picking up the phone. I promise that I want you to call me if you need me, even if we had had a blazing row about your boyfriend or you forgot my last birthday.
Bignanny30 · 31/08/2023 10:53

If she lives with you then you need to talk to her asap and remind her what your child hood was like.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 31/08/2023 10:54

Sister's boyfriend leans into her multiple times genuinely angry and chastising her for talking over questions preventing him from answering

If I asked someone multiple times to stop and they carried on (which is doing it to purely to wind me up) then I’d probably snap too.

I don’t think this incident is enough to judge him on as it sounds like you and your sister were purposefully trying to wind him up/not taking his feelings into account.

But you obviously have a gut feeling about him and unfortunately it’s very common that children from abusive homes get into abusive relationships themselves.

Unfortunately you have to be very careful that you don’t push your sister away from you by being too vocal about him.
If he does something then I would confront him and then later when he’s not around tell her that that’s not acceptable behaviour but then I would drop it.

You want to make it known that it’s not ok but also not act like you hate him as then she might not come to you when she needs help.

BodegaSushi · 31/08/2023 10:54

ActDottie · 31/08/2023 10:08

I kinda get where he’s coming from. People talking over tv programmes it just annoying. And if you’re good at university challenge then you want to give the questions a good go.

Making all the funny comments etc. as well just shows your ignorance about true academic subjects.

Please let this be sarcasm 😂 this is so cringe.

Anyway OP, YANBU. People like your sis BF (and the above) sound anal and, it's YOUR house. Pathetic.

BodegaSushi · 31/08/2023 10:56

DorasAuntie · 31/08/2023 10:31

Playing devil's advocate one could say you were very rude to a guest who wanted to enjoy a TV quiz without your twattery in the background.

Or we could say he was out of order and should have put up with the 'fun' and shrugged it off.

Which is it?

The latter, HTH.

CaveMum · 31/08/2023 10:58

For want of a better expression, your sister is dating your father. Our concept of what is “normal” in a relationship is modelled by those we see around us as children, your sister has gravitated to what she finds familiar.

That’s not to say everyone brought up in an abusive environment will go on to seek out similar relationships for themselves, but many of them sadly do.

PoshPineapple · 31/08/2023 10:59

ActDottie · 31/08/2023 10:08

I kinda get where he’s coming from. People talking over tv programmes it just annoying. And if you’re good at university challenge then you want to give the questions a good go.

Making all the funny comments etc. as well just shows your ignorance about true academic subjects.

Are you the BF?

SunsetOverParadise · 31/08/2023 11:00

It’s two separate issues here. The TV one, I think is something you’ve grabbed into because you have wider intuition with him. So as an incident itself, I don’t think it’s a problem. And it does sound like you were annoying over a period before he lost it.

The message he sent is unacceptable. But it’s not your relationship. I would raise your concerns once, in a proper conversation, then leave it. Keep an eye out for any escalation, so I’m not saying ignore things, but also understand that your sister’s journey is not yours. All you can do is be there for her.

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 31/08/2023 11:00

ActDottie · 31/08/2023 10:08

I kinda get where he’s coming from. People talking over tv programmes it just annoying. And if you’re good at university challenge then you want to give the questions a good go.

Making all the funny comments etc. as well just shows your ignorance about true academic subjects.

Annoying but still no justification. He’s a guest so that was an aggressive dick move and I would kick him out.

crochetmonkey74 · 31/08/2023 11:02

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 31/08/2023 09:42

He genuinely snapped and I was appalled but did not say anything.

Did you not just call him out on his awful behaviour in your home?

Man is demonstrably abusive. First comment on a predominantly female forum is a post blaming a woman for not managing his behaviour. Nice one yet again MN.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 31/08/2023 11:03

MinnieTruck · 31/08/2023 10:27

If you couldn’t even say anything in the moment then what do you expect a bunch of strangers on the internet to do?!

Be very grateful that your childhood didn't damage you as OPs did. Mamy of us would have responded as OP did. I'm tapping 60 and still find myself holding my breath, trying to be invisible when I meet a man like that.

It's an ingrained, learned the hard way self protecting response to male aggression.

As I said, just be grateful if it isn't a response you had to learn, but do try a little empathy!

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 31/08/2023 11:03

crochetmonkey74 · 31/08/2023 11:02

Man is demonstrably abusive. First comment on a predominantly female forum is a post blaming a woman for not managing his behaviour. Nice one yet again MN.

Show quote history

She’s not blaming OP she’s telling OP she needs to stand up for herself which so what women should be taught and encouraged to do.

Are you suggesting the right thing is to play passive and continue to be abused?

thecatsthecats · 31/08/2023 11:04

bilfer · 31/08/2023 10:17

I have no idea why my sister is re-subjecting herself to this behaviour. I would rather die alone than be with an aggressive person like my father.

It doesn't always work like that, sadly.

Nor do the "sassy" pieces of advice about challenging him help at all - even if it were in your nature, it makes it far easier for him to cut her off, which is absolutely not what you want.

My sister is in an abusive relationship, and the best thing I can do is be present and non judgemental. Like fuck am I risking leaving him unsupervised with her. She has told me and NO ONE else about it, and I need to keep the line of communication open.

Please do this for your sister in whatever way you can. You have to be patient l, and even accept frustration, but it's very important that he can't isolate her from support.

nettie434 · 31/08/2023 11:05

I think being with people who make up funny answers for University Challenge sounds fun. It's an entertainment programme. There are no prizes for viewers who get the answers right. It would have been quite easy for him to ask politely if he could watch the programme. The WhatsApp message sounds more serious.

Even in a non abusive situation, it's important to find the right way of being supportive when you are less enthusiastic about a friend or relative's choice of partner. His reaction during the TV programme was rude. Taken alongside the phone message, you are right to be concerned. However, at this stage you can only be supportive and make sure your sister avoids becoming dependent on him and follow the sugggestions in the link mentioned upthread.

watcherintherye · 31/08/2023 11:07

DorasAuntie · 31/08/2023 10:40

@watcherintherye That's a very interesting opinion you have.

I was brought up to put a guest first. And the TV was always switched off so conversation could happen without it being a distraction. And if it was on, the host would ask the guest what they wanted to watch.

It's called good manners.

Of course, with friends, who are there for a short time, but with family (in-laws, let’s say!)) with whom you are staying for a number of days, when relaxing in the evening, it’s different. They used to only put the TV on if there was a programme which they wanted to watch. We didn’t protest - it was their prerogative. If there was a programme we wanted to watch we asked them if it was ok. If they were talking during our programme, we wouldn’t have dreamed of calling them out. That’s called good manners, too.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/08/2023 11:08

I grew up with a Dad similar to yours. My instinct now would be to call out that behaviour quite assertively if only I was affected BUT I wouldn't rush to call it out if it might impact on someone else. The OP challenging the bf might have led to such a serious breach with her DSis that her DSis wouldn't feel able to ask the OP for help at a later date.

I suspect you'd both benefit from some counselling around your childhood as it is still affecting your future decision making.

postingandtoasting · 31/08/2023 11:08

A normal reaction for someone in that situation would be for them to not make it all about them. To think: 'Oh that's a bit annoying, I'm really into this show, never mind I will watch it tomorrow or later this week, its nice that GF is spending some time with her sister and they are having fun.' It's not even like you had all got together to watch the show, as you say, you were primarily having dinner and drinks.

Sleepytimebear · 31/08/2023 11:11

IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 31/08/2023 11:03

She’s not blaming OP she’s telling OP she needs to stand up for herself which so what women should be taught and encouraged to do.

Are you suggesting the right thing is to play passive and continue to be abused?

Show quote history

Retaliating can be dangerous, people don't put up with abuse because they are weak or they like it, usually they're scared and controlled.

Batalax · 31/08/2023 11:11

You have to preface a conversation by saying

“it’s up to you how you take this. You can ignore me completely if you wish, it’s your life, but I love you so I’ve got to say it. I’m concerned because of…”

bjrce · 31/08/2023 11:13

The very fact he couldn't even control his anger in front of you, speaks volumes about him as a person.

Can you imagine the way he is with your sister when they are alone in her apartment.

Your sister knows exactly what type of person he is - hence staying over at his 70% of the time. She is probably actively trying to keep him away from her family / friends as she can't trust how he'll react to situations.

He is an abusing pig, I don't care what you were both laughing at - he probably didn't even give a shit about the program or the questions - it was both you laughing that probably irradiated him and he was trying to exert his control over both of you. .

He's bad news! It also appears your sister isn't going to listen to anyone, if you fear she will fall out wit you if you speak up.

I could almost guarantee he wouldn't have behaved like that if your Brother or if you had a boyfriend there - these guys are just bullies and cowards!

baytreelane23 · 31/08/2023 11:13

I know you've spoken to her before but can you bring up this latest incident dinner and just say it shocked you, and it triggered some feelings from how your dad behaved?

Then see how she responds this time. She surely must have been embarrassed!