Sister's bf losing it whilst watching University Challenge

[bilfer]

Sister's boyfriend came over last week for a takeaway and a few beers.

After the meal we decided to crash on the sofa and watch tv. During University Challenge my sis and I were joking around at the questions/the ridiculous answers we came up with. All light hearted, we were just trying to make each other laugh really. Very much the norm for our family. Well, Sister's boyfriend leans into her multiple times genuinely angry and chastising her for talking over questions preventing him from answering (before passively aggressively rewinding). When I say it injected an awful energy into the room I am not being hyperbolic. He genuinely snapped and I was appalled but did not say anything.

Completely took me back to my childhood where my dad, who also has EXTREME anger issues, would explode out of nowhere. The sitting in awkward silence thing, makes me queasy.

I've begun to notice a pattern of behaviour which really concerns me. Always thought he was a bit boring but harmless.

I've also seen WhatsApp notifications to the effect of "PICK UP YOU FUCKING BITCH". I know now he was in a fairly serious situation but nothing my sister could directly help with as she was hundreds of miles away.

What can I do? She works in the City, is charming and lovely. Late 20s. So scared for her.

It’s not like the 70s when if you missed something it was never on again.

Very sad for your sis. I have sisters, I would stage an intervention, reference your father and the pattern repetition and stress I won’t mention it again but if she ever wants to talk the door is open - although she probably won’t listen. It’s ok if she doesn’t speak to you for a while, you’ve done your job.

Generally in these kinds of relationships the woman knows something’s not right, that’s why she’s so defensive, she may be afraid of being alone and starting again as you suggested.

His behaviour was awful and you need to speak to your sister.

But you didn't treat him like a guest. He clearly wanted to watch and you didn't let him. Minor in the general context but you two were very irritating

@bjrce I could almost guarantee he wouldn't have behaved like that if your Brother or if you had a boyfriend there - these guys are just bullies and cowards!

It's funny you say that I literally started typing out that I don't think he would have behaved so aggressively in front of my brother but didn't end up clicking post.

There’s a bit difference between retaliating and speaking out and standing up for yourself.

You say retaliating can be see as scared and controlled, but keeping quiet and allowing the bad behavior to continue is seen as strong and uncontrolled?

Actually bullies stay away from people who stand up for themselves and focus on those who continue to take the abuse.

@Nanny0gg Minor in the general context but you two were very irritating
I mean we're two girls in our 20s tipsy after a takeaway. We're not going to watch UC in silence!

I am sort of compiling a list of evidence to present to sis with brother - who would ordinarily not get involved in this sort of thing but even he thinks we need to step in (really outside his nature)

He was jealous that you and your sister were having fun, it was nothing to do with him wanting to answer the questions, but to stifle fun and giggles. He could always watch it again, instead he choose to be angry and passive aggressive.

You're right to be concerned and there's loads of great advice on here as to how to proceed. Good luck and remember, always be there for your sister x

I could never cut sis out of my life but being around her bf is truly awful and draining. Makes me tired just thinking of future interactions - Christmases, Birthdays etc.

Then don't be surprised if others find it irritating!

However, that's not really the focus of the situation

No, I said people didn't retaliate because they are scared and controlled. I don't think you can speak for her not knowing what is going on in her relationship. When it was me I did everything I could to keep my partner happy because that kept me safe. Maybe she feels the same.

Don't let him dictate. He's the one at fault. Take the courage to enjoy all future interactions, especially in front of other people. Let him reflect on his behaviour.

I would say something to her... about calling her a bitch.... that's not acceptable under any circs

Time to get your bro and any other family and friends into the conversation. A united loving front all with the same opinion.

And a very careful approach to how you speak to her - calm, controlled, reasonable, consistent words, body language and tone of voice that don't alarm her or trigger her fight or flight response to run back to and defend him.

You're a family of abuse survivors.
He's sniffed out a victim he can bully and she misreads this as love, because it's familiar.

Ending the relationship may read like failure to her.

She may simply be afraid to and is justifying staying with 'but I love him ...'

Physical abuse often starts with verbal abuse. He's already demonstrated that.

He may be starting on the 'who else would want you, you're nothing without me' bullshit - and this kind of seed plants easily in prepared ground.

All the best to you all.

The bitch text is also crazy because her bf was in need of immediate medical attention but chose to contact my sis instead of getting an uber to hospital (I now know he was crying on a park bench when he sent that text which weirds me out).

"I reckon he felt you and your sister were depriving him of the opportunity to impress you both with his vast knowledge and mighty intellect, and the fact that he reacted so badly to it, tells you a lot about him, and his sense of self-importance."

I think this is likely especially if he knows you are academically bright and so is your sister I'm guessing.

he sounds horrible.

I LOVE @WhenLifeGivesYouLimes advice (make a marguerita surely?)

"I'd say two things to her.

1. I'm a bit concerned about the way he treats you. There are bits of behaviour which remind me of the way Dad behaved. That might be me being over sensitive, but there are things that make me uncomfortable: are you sure that he's always behaving as you deserve to be treated? Do you ever feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him?
2. I'm here for you, and I always will be. There may come a time in the future when we're not as close for whatever reason, or we've had a row, or you've gone quiet on me for an uncomfortable length of time. But if you need me, don't let those things stop you from picking up the phone. I promise that I want you to call me if you need me, even if we had had a blazing row about your boyfriend or you forgot my last birthday."

So when you have guests you just sit there staring at the TV not talking? If he was that invested in it he could watch it on catchup.

If this is what he does when someone else is there, imagine the risk your sister is alone and if she has children with him (becomes harder to leave). Please warn her off. Annoying behaviour does not justify aggression. The text message is terrible and a major red flag.

Yes he very much considers himself intellectually superior to most. I mean he can answer around 40% of the UC questions whilst my only aim is to beat my siblings (easily achieved ha).

Your sister picked a boyfriend who reminded her of her Dad.
Even horrible abusers can make us feel safe or feel familiar.
That's why it's hard to leave those relationships.

If the behaviour was accepted and expected at home as kids, then we will accept it at home as adults.

You don’t know anything about my childhood. Regardless of the reason why the OP didn’t say anything at the time, what are a bunch of strangers meant to do on the internet? My question still stands

@MinnieTruck Sometimes people posting here don't want others to "do" anything. It's more about giving different opinions and asking if they felt they were reasonable or not. Perhaps even getting a bit of support. Just something to think about?

Advise the OP on how to handle such behavior moving forward, obviously.

This. Make sure she knows she can come to you anytime. His message to her is vile.

That does change thing’s slightly.

If he was in need of immediate medical attention then his choice of words shouldn’t really be questioned as we all say stuff when we’re scared for our lives or in pain (I assume you’ve never delivered a baby 😂).

The talking over questions would annoy me.
I enjoy the chase and like to answer the questions and when my dad is being a dick he will purposely talk over it knowing it annoys me because I can’t hear the questions.

So these 2 incidents I wouldn’t judge him on but I would keep a close eye on any other behaviour that is not ok.

Next time your dsis bf is inappropriate in your flat say quietly and calmly
Until you pay rent here you have no say in what we do in OUR home.