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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sister's bf losing it whilst watching University Challenge

157 replies

bilfer · 31/08/2023 09:37

Sister's boyfriend came over last week for a takeaway and a few beers.

After the meal we decided to crash on the sofa and watch tv. During University Challenge my sis and I were joking around at the questions/the ridiculous answers we came up with. All light hearted, we were just trying to make each other laugh really. Very much the norm for our family. Well, Sister's boyfriend leans into her multiple times genuinely angry and chastising her for talking over questions preventing him from answering (before passively aggressively rewinding). When I say it injected an awful energy into the room I am not being hyperbolic. He genuinely snapped and I was appalled but did not say anything.

Completely took me back to my childhood where my dad, who also has EXTREME anger issues, would explode out of nowhere. The sitting in awkward silence thing, makes me queasy.

I've begun to notice a pattern of behaviour which really concerns me. Always thought he was a bit boring but harmless.

I've also seen WhatsApp notifications to the effect of "PICK UP YOU FUCKING BITCH". I know now he was in a fairly serious situation but nothing my sister could directly help with as she was hundreds of miles away.

What can I do? She works in the City, is charming and lovely. Late 20s. So scared for her.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 31/08/2023 12:10

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 31/08/2023 09:42

He genuinely snapped and I was appalled but did not say anything.

Did you not just call him out on his awful behaviour in your home?

Because she didn't want to upset or alienate her sister?

Which is completely understandable. But also exactly how these total arseholes get away with it.

DorasAuntie · 31/08/2023 12:13

Regardless of the UC incident and the text, what else have you seen him do?

I know from experience that there is next to nothing anyone can do to convince someone of their partner's faults.

They have to see it for themselves.

You are almost too close to your sister for her to take notice. It's like when a parent tells their child that they are making a mistake. The child doesn't want to listen.

I mean this kindly but you all sound quite 'young' and this 'pulling rank' or saying which uni you went to, your degree results, the competition over UC questions, is quite 'studenty' behaviour. It doesn't excuse his behaviour AT ALL but you have said now there was only one incident when watching TV when he got annoyed and rewound the programme. Are you over reacting? or is this type of thing going on all the time?

I think you can voice your concerns to your sister but maybe she has other friends who can be more open if they see this going on?

YukoandHiro · 31/08/2023 12:14

I think next time he behaves like that in front of you maybe sharply say that his behaviour reminds you of your father and you won't have it in your house. Then don't mention it again. You just need to put the seed in your sister's head...

OhComeOnFFS · 31/08/2023 12:15

bilfer · 31/08/2023 11:41

The bitch text is also crazy because her bf was in need of immediate medical attention but chose to contact my sis instead of getting an uber to hospital (I now know he was crying on a park bench when he sent that text which weirds me out).

No, you know he SAYS he was crying on a park bench...

Original poster
bilfer · 31/08/2023 12:18

I mean this kindly but you all sound quite 'young' and this 'pulling rank' or saying which uni you want to, your degree results, the competition over UC questions, is quite 'studenty' behaviour.

@DorasAuntie I only shared my degree/uni details as a pp referred to me as ignorant regarding academic subjects due to talking over UC. Have never once brought it up in real life as that is just embarrassing.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 31/08/2023 12:18

Ask her this question: doesn’t he remind you of Dad?

Bluetrews25 · 31/08/2023 12:18

If DSis won't tolerate talk about the BF, can you have a talk about your 'D'F and what he used to do, how it made you feel, and how you run away from any hint of that behaviour now as it is not normal and not to be endured as an inevitable part of a relationship?
People are getting hung up on the behaviour during UC. That's only a small part of it, I'm guessing.
It's great that she has her sis and bro in her corner and somewhere to live away from this poor excuse for a man.

Original poster
bilfer · 31/08/2023 12:21

My sister and her bf clearly enjoy talking each other of a ledge.

I know for a fact that this is a direct consequence of our childhood as my mum would go missing when things got too much and we would all get so worked up and beg her to come home. Making promises etc. Even gagging from crying as very young kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
bilfer · 31/08/2023 12:23

off*

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 31/08/2023 12:24

I think you have to be careful. If he’s emotionally abusive and she shuts down when you try to talk to her about it, she’s not ready to accept it.

You need to reassure her that you will always support her. Try not to make leading statements but ask her as gently as possible how she feels about that night.

gamerchick · 31/08/2023 12:28

bilfer · 31/08/2023 10:17

I have no idea why my sister is re-subjecting herself to this behaviour. I would rather die alone than be with an aggressive person like my father.

Because your sister I presume has the same dad and has been also traumatised to the point she's picked a bloke just like dad. Kids can be affected differently even through the same upbringing.

I'd bring it up with her and talk about your childhoods and let her know your fears. She may not see it if it's always been normal.

Then wait for her to want rid.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 31/08/2023 12:33

There's that book that gets referred to on the relationship boards all the time - "Why does he do this" by Lundy Bancroft.
another thing is the Freedom program. there's an online course.
See if you can ask her to do/read one of them. She may have doubts at the back of her mind even if she can't articulate them and shuts down to you, maybe something will click.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/08/2023 12:35

Does your DSis look for drama in a relationship? That is not a criticism - if she has come from a home environment where everything was extreme perhaps to her a relationship is only real if it is intense, fraught and dramatic. That is the model she grew up with and she hasn't yet replaced it with something more balanced. When you live in an abusive household you do live on adrenaline and I wonder if her calibration of normal is set to high intensity so a calmer relationship feels flat.

I do think that counselling could be helpful.

DeathstarDarling · 31/08/2023 12:35

Who would expect two sisters having a beer together to watch crappy telly in silence? If he was so desperate he could have watched it on catch up later. That is what any normal person would do after rolling their eyes and joking that it was hopeless trying to watch.

And the other stuff is worrying.

Trust your instincts. This is your sister and it sounds like you have a good relationship. I too like what @WhenLifeGivesYouLimes and also @Sleepytimebear have to say.

My close friend was in what sounds like a similar relationship. It was awful. She was so happy at first but like the proverbial boiled frog suddenly she realised she was in very hot water - had his babies, never saw anyone, had no money, no phone, was timed going out for milk, and they were all completely terrified. Her cats would not go near him. She spent all her time and effort on not making him angry.

She then lost the few remaining friends because they got annoyed about how difficult she found it to leave him and that she went back a couple of times after people helped move her out.

Its never easy or clear cut. What worked for me was listening, subtly reminding her I was always there, and actually being there- and trying to keep my opinions to myself until she asked for them. He tried to isolate her from everyone but I would keep turning up whenever she could manage and put up with him calmly and politely when we did cross paths, and stubbornly not going away despite his passive aggressive behaviour. She got away in the end and he was not allowed access to the kids but its better if it never gets as far as kids.

I wish we could have helped get her out sooner but she and then we didn't realise at first how bad it was. People dismiss or rationalise incidents in isolation, as you can see from some of the posts. I did too at first. Trust your instincts, keep your sister as close as you can and don't let his behaviour affect your relationship with her. Be calm, polite , stubborn to him and loyal to your sister. I think saying lightly that he reminds you of your dad when he does this kind of thing might be useful if she recognises your dad was abusive. Good luck.

Skybluecoat · 31/08/2023 12:39

Rather than staging an intervention with your DB, could you start dropping into conversation how much DSIS boyfriend reminds you of your dad?

Would that maybe register without her flouncing?

Yalta · 31/08/2023 12:42

Talking over a programme might be irritating but if you are the guest in someone else’s home and you want to watch something in silence then go home and watch it in your own home.
Only someone who is used to controlling people by shouting is that comfortable to be shouting at someone when they are a guest in their house

faban · 31/08/2023 12:43

Think everyone's missing the bigger picture here. It's not about people talking over the program it's about how he dealt with it. Also those messages are very very alarming. You need to say something to her x

Summerhillsquare · 31/08/2023 12:53

You are a saint @DeathstarDarling but many of us would struggle with that, especially if we had expereinced DV ourselves.

LaGiaconda · 31/08/2023 12:54

I think it's tricky if the relationship means you are witness abusive behaviour in your home. You need a safe place.

So it's worth saying to your sister that he makes you feel uncomfortable, that he reminds you of your father, and this is distressing for you

While she is obviously free to choose who she sees, you can say you would very much prefer it if she sees him elsewhere/goes back to his place.

begaydocrime42 · 31/08/2023 12:58

ActDottie · 31/08/2023 10:08

I kinda get where he’s coming from. People talking over tv programmes it just annoying. And if you’re good at university challenge then you want to give the questions a good go.

Making all the funny comments etc. as well just shows your ignorance about true academic subjects.

Very Normal response

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/08/2023 12:58

BF was annoyed because he felt he was denied the opportunity to show off how clever he was.
Unrealistic expectation watching UC in a curry/few beers situation.
Two people chatting and laughing over a beer v one person glued to the TV.
Its not like the show was live, and he couldn't stream it another time.

Dreemhouse · 31/08/2023 13:11

OP sadly it’s probably not uncommon for somebody who comes from an abusive background to end up in an abusive relationship, there can be comfort found in what’s familiar. I appreciate though that it must be awful for you to have to sit and watch.

Absolutely nothing wrong with you and your sister having a laugh in your own home whilst watching a tv program. His reaction was entirely unreasonable. If it was so important to him, he could have politely asked for you to let him hear the questions, or he could have buggered off back to his own place to watch it.

I think you should mention it to your sister but not make a big deal of it so as not to push you away. She is going to need you.

MsRosley · 31/08/2023 13:19

OP, as you say, there's a lot of trauma in your background, and this is probably a factor in your sister's choice of boyfriend. You can't do much to help her if she isn't willing to listen, but you can establish healthy boundaries around his behaviour in your flat. 'This is my home, and I don't like you behaving that way here. I'm going to ask you to leave if you carry on.' Yes, your sister will probably be angry with you, or even move out, but in the long run you have modelled healthy boundaries to her and that's all you can do unless you actually think he's a genuine risk. In which case, call the police.

anotherside · 31/08/2023 13:50

I would consider saying to her when you’re alone together, causally but bluntly - “BF has quite a temper sometimes, doesn’t he? Reminds me of dad”. And just leave it there. Then you’ve said your piece without getting too involved/personal. But you’ve then been honest and said that you don’t think he’s a decent man and would of course probably make an absolutely terrible father. Without saying it quite so bluntly. Then she can either open a dialogue with you about his temper, and/or just mull over your observation in her own time.

Stravaig · 31/08/2023 14:05

Do you talk to your sister as you have here, very matter-of-factly, about growing up with DV? Sticking just with your experience of childhood, not hers, and how it has affected your relationships.

You see the signs, but don't yet fully trust yourself, nor quite intervene in the moment, so I'm wondering about some more support for you, counselling perhaps, support group, Freedom Programme? Which you could then also chat to your sister about in passing.

I'm thinking if you keep the focus on you and your experiences and learning, and away from her, she might pick up what she needs to get started, quietly, in her own time? Planting seeds, really.