Sister's bf losing it whilst watching University Challenge

[bilfer]

Sister's boyfriend came over last week for a takeaway and a few beers.

After the meal we decided to crash on the sofa and watch tv. During University Challenge my sis and I were joking around at the questions/the ridiculous answers we came up with. All light hearted, we were just trying to make each other laugh really. Very much the norm for our family. Well, Sister's boyfriend leans into her multiple times genuinely angry and chastising her for talking over questions preventing him from answering (before passively aggressively rewinding). When I say it injected an awful energy into the room I am not being hyperbolic. He genuinely snapped and I was appalled but did not say anything.

Completely took me back to my childhood where my dad, who also has EXTREME anger issues, would explode out of nowhere. The sitting in awkward silence thing, makes me queasy.

I've begun to notice a pattern of behaviour which really concerns me. Always thought he was a bit boring but harmless.

I've also seen WhatsApp notifications to the effect of "PICK UP YOU FUCKING BITCH". I know now he was in a fairly serious situation but nothing my sister could directly help with as she was hundreds of miles away.

What can I do? She works in the City, is charming and lovely. Late 20s. So scared for her.

I would want to speak to her about him, how you've noticed a couple of things about him that make you anxious and remind you of the bad times with your father. But it depends on your relationship with your sister, whether you talk about these types of things or tend to ignore them. No judgement if ignoring is the family's way of dealing with uncomfortable issues. I wouldn't want to alienate her, but your concerns are valid.

Have you spoken to your sister? Particularly about the text messages you saw?

I once brought up my concerns and she didn't speak to me for a week. I have a bad feeling there is a sunken cost thing going on.

Brother also dislikes him and actively avoids them together. I want to be around my sister so can't cut them out

OP, this is obviously really triggering for you and I’m sorry to hear it. When you have a minute lane with your sister I think you should just let her know the similarities that you’ve noticed and that you’re worried about her. Let her know that speaking to her that way isbt ok but don’t push it but get into an argument with her

There's some good advice on Women's Aid about supporting someone in an abusive relationship https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/#howyoucansupport

I would just be really careful with what you say to her. She may not realise he's abusive and in my experience when my friends were really clear with me that they didn't like my partner it just made life harder for me. He would say they didn't like him and it was true so it put me in a difficult position trying to keep my partner and my friends happy and separate. He used this to try to isolate me from them, which obviously makes it harder to leave.

This is so sad 😞 I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger, and I’m painfully aware of that defensiveness when someone raises their concerns. I guess all you can really do is be there for her, keep close and hope to god she sees how awful he is. The issue with pushing the matter is that she’ll distance herself from you to avoid hearing it and then that’ll play into his hands as she will be more isolated.

If you couldn’t even say anything in the moment then what do you expect a bunch of strangers on the internet to do?!

He sounds like a dick and it does sound concerning. Good your sister has your support.

but

You do not talk over University Challenge. It’s one of life’s golden rules and I implore you to stick to it.

It sounds like you and your sister have had two opposing responses to the same experience. For you, it taught you everything you DON'T want in a partner, and it's made you very aware of aggressive behaviour and potential red flags. For your sister, as someone said upthread she is finding familiarity in this relationship. Her upbringing has taught her what relationships are, and she doesn't see that it could be different. She's internalised the behaviour and thinks it's normal.

Out of curiosity, how does she feel about your dad now? Does she tend to look back on things with rose tinted glasses? There's actually something similar with my sister and I. We had a terrible, abusive father who I remember as being a monster in human form. She remembers him as an angel. I don't understand it and I never will. I'm happy single, whereas she's constantly looking for her fairytale romance. Is it like that with you and your sister?

I think you should spend some time with her and try to talk to her. Don't criticize her partner as this may push her away, but try to encourage her to talk about her relationship. Let her know that you're there for her.

Playing devil's advocate one could say you were very rude to a guest who wanted to enjoy a TV quiz without your twattery in the background.

Or we could say he was out of order and should have put up with the 'fun' and shrugged it off.

Which is it?

We have similar dads OP. All you can do is support her. Sisterly advice of the LTB kind hasn't worked, but you should encourage her to keep her job and separate finances if planning DC. That way she won't be trapped financially as your mum may have been. As far as the mental prison goes, she'll have to find her own way out when ready.

If you couldn’t even say anything in the moment then what do you expect a bunch of strangers on the internet to do?!

Offer advice. Also, I sometimes question my response to scenarios. What my siblings and I were subjected to was so normal for us I find it hard to discern what is ok/not ok.

Exactly why all my boyfriend's have been extremely mild mannered and easy going. I could not handle someone even swearing under their breath. Which the bf has done. I hate being around him when he does this but genuinely have believed this was my own issue and nothing to do with sis's bf.

The Whatsapp messages and the telly stuff are different.

I'd not be so worried over the TV as I get cross if I can't hear the questions.

The fucking bitch- well, NO!

Not sure what you can do she chose him

I think you are understandably extra sensitive to this type of behaviour (swearing under his breathe - not a major one if only occasionally& not directed at someone personally) BUT that doesn't make you wrong.

He is abusive, the text message is awful and yes, your sister is in an abusive relationship. If she refuses to acknowledge it, all you can do is be supportive and hope she realises in time - do not let him drive a wedge between you.

He was a guest. Guests have to put up with watching Mrs. Brown’s Boys, if the host is a fan. The guest does not demand the host change channels so they can watch something more to their liking.

Now I quite like UC, but even if it is the absolute highlight of his life (unlikely, surely?) a mild ‘I quite like this, do you mind if I watch?’ is the most he should have been saying in someone else’s house. Watch it on IPlayer or ask to record it, if you’re that desperate.

I reckon he felt you and your sister were depriving him of the opportunity to impress you both with his vast knowledge and mighty intellect, and the fact that he reacted so badly to it, tells you a lot about him, and his sense of self-importance.

You can't choose her men for her.

All you can do is ask if she is happy and maybe point out a few things that concerned you.

At the same time, maybe think about you.
You say you choose men who are very laid back.
Are you reacting to your childhood by choosing men you can dominate or who are a bit wishy washy and no backbone?
There is something in between the two extremes of controlling/aggressive men, and those who are doormats.

@watcherintherye That's a very interesting opinion you have.

I was brought up to put a guest first. And the TV was always switched off so conversation could happen without it being a distraction. And if it was on, the host would ask the guest what they wanted to watch.

It's called good manners.

Ask him if he's Universally Challenged.

Sounds like a complete twunt.

Jesus H tapdancing Christ.

You seriously think that, at a social event in someone else’s home with a partner’s sibling, while relaxing and having a laugh after a takeaway, it is acceptable to shout and lose your temper because people are joking about a quiz show?

I have a 1st class degree, I complete in quiz leagues and I do very well indeed at University Challenge. I am not, however, a rude, obnoxious and aggressive arsehole, so I wouldn’t behave in the way the OP’s sister’s boyfriend did, ever.

You may think the OP and her sister showed ‘ignorance of academic subjects’ (not that all the questions on Uni Chall are about academic subjects anyway, but whatever). But if you think it was any way reasonable for the sister’s boyfriend to behave like that towards his girlfriend and her sister, particularly when he wasn’t even in his own home, you show an astonishing level of ignorance about social norms.

He sounds awful. I imagine the point of the evening was to enjoy each others company with a bit of a background of TV. It wasn't to sit in silence fully immersed in the programme. His response sounds aggressive and OTT, and along with the context of the text message, very concerning. Let her know your worries, be there for her.

Do you and your sister live together? Your first post suggests you do and he was the guest.

I think just regularly keep in touch with her. Tell her how much you love her often. Remind her that you are always there for her.

You’re not “playing Devil’s advocate”. You are defending an abusive bully.

I think you don't know what Devils advocate is.

You've just proved that.

He was a guest in someone else's house! He could watch UC on catch up later if he was that fussed.