Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said I "reek of abuse and nobody would want me"

141 replies

Wonderering · 30/08/2023 22:30

I've just had a baby and already feeling fragile. Husband like to use my insecurities against me. He previously called me a "stupid molested bitch". I feel so alone. I can't possibly tell anyone I love this or they would absolutely insist I leave him. I know I should leave him but I'm worried my baby would resent me for making him just like me (no father and vulnerable to abuse by stepfather). I feel like such a failure. I'm degree qualified (no career because of him controlling me) but I know I could build myself up, I'm very resilient. His comments hurt me more than for myself, but for the fact that I've made this man my child's father, my child deserves better than this. Please convince me to leave, I know its the right thing to do, I just don't know how to begin. For context he's 25 years older than me and has always made me feel inferior.

OP posts:
Randobelia · 30/08/2023 22:32

Tell someone. Do it for your child. Leave that utter fuck wanker and build a new life for you and your child.

Aserena · 30/08/2023 22:33

OP, you are absolutely right, you definitely need to leave him. Your child will be better off without living in a home where dad holds mum in such contempt and abuses you like this.
More knowledgeable posters will be along to help you with more practical advice.
You are a wonderful loving mother and you are stronger than you believe. Sending you hope x

Errolwasahero · 30/08/2023 22:33

Oh my dear I wish I could come and get you! You deserve better than this, and so does your baby. Please, please get in touch with women’s aid and they will help you figure things out.

SoundsLikeAYouProblem · 30/08/2023 22:34

Congratulations on your new baby.
Your baby will not resent you for leaving.
Staying will actually be very damaging to your child so you should leave asap to protect them, and yourself. Please tell people who love you so they can help you escape Flowers

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 30/08/2023 22:34

Tell someone supportive and ask for their support in leaving.
Think what home environment you want you child to experience growing up. A loving one or one where personal experiences are used against you in an abusive manner?

Throwawayme · 30/08/2023 22:34

He'll do the same to your child and make them feel like you do now. You need to get out for both of you. Please tell someone in real life and get help.

cariadlet · 30/08/2023 22:35

You poor love. You deserve so much better than this and so does your baby. Growing up in a single parent family will be so much better than growing up with an abusive father.

I don't have much advice because I am lucky enough never to have been in your situation but I didn't want to read and run.

I know that Women's Aid and The Freedom Programme are often highly recommended.

I'm sure some wise and more knowledgeable Mumsnetters will be along soon.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 30/08/2023 22:36

You need to get out of there. For you and for your baby.

CountryStore · 30/08/2023 22:37

You don't have to bring a stepfather into your baby's life in the future. You can stay single if you choose, or have a relationship but not introduce him to your child
Please leave your horrible partner. You can be enough for your baby

Whu · 30/08/2023 22:38

That’s some of the vilest words I’ve heard spoken to someone.
How fucking dare he.
You and your baby will be better a million miles away from this disgusting, abusive specimen.
Please contact Womens Aid and get away before his abuse worsens further. You can offer your baby a bright life but not with this man.

Errolwasahero · 30/08/2023 22:38

I left an abusive ex, with absolutely nothing to my name. They (Womens aid) and social services sorted it all out. Now we’re ok and my children know I did what I had to, they are strong and know to make changes in their lives if they are not happy. Good luck x

Flopsythebunny · 30/08/2023 22:39

Please find the strength to leave him.
Many years ago, I told my ex husband about my maternal grandfather's sexual abuse. From that day on he referred to me as "the old man's toy". It broke me

WandaWonder · 30/08/2023 22:39

Please do not have another child with this person

Dancesaideveryone · 30/08/2023 22:40

Dear lord, you need to do whatever it takes to get away from him. For you and your child. That is truly horrific.

Original poster
Wonderering · 30/08/2023 22:41

Thank you so much to you amazing women who are so supportive ❤️ I feel like I am at rock bottom with nowhere to turn to. But I also know that I have been at rock bottom before and made it out (albeit without my baby). I'm so inspired to hear from women who have done the same.

OP posts:
SharonEllis · 30/08/2023 22:42

Your child wont resent you for doing the right thing & protecting them & yourself with love. Leave this monster. Contact womensaid or whatever local refuge you have. Good luck - you sound strong, you deserve so much more x

Sickofchangingmyfuckingusername · 30/08/2023 22:42

‘…my child deserves much better than this…’
You are 100% right. There is no point even trying. Leave this man and give your child what they deserve.

Dancesaideveryone · 30/08/2023 22:42

Flopsythebunny · 30/08/2023 22:39

Please find the strength to leave him.
Many years ago, I told my ex husband about my maternal grandfather's sexual abuse. From that day on he referred to me as "the old man's toy". It broke me

Words fail me as to how nasty and abusive that is. It's evil.

IseeNarcPeople · 30/08/2023 22:43

That's not a father lovely that's an abusive psychopath.
You definitely are strong and resilient, you know that, you have all the strength you need inside to get away from him for both your sakes.

givingupchocolatemonday · 30/08/2023 22:44

Start getting your ducks in a row. Think of a plan for a months time. Tell your family and friends, they will help and insist you leave for very good reasons.
Life is to short! You've got a beautiful new baby and will one day look back and wonder why you never left earlier.
Best thing I ever did, my DD 4 would of resented me more if I had of stayed with that arsehole. Who wants to grow up seeing there mum being treated that way?
You can do it OP, start planning x

Binfire · 30/08/2023 22:45

Now is the time to take control of your own life and set a different path for you and your child. You really must leave him, it sounds like you have the strength to do it. You both deserve so much better than this.

Call Women’s Aid Or the National Domestic Abuse helpline, they have advice on their website about leaving an abuser and can talk you through the steps you need to take https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/I-am-planning-to-leave-my-abuser

SqueakyDinosaur · 30/08/2023 22:45

The abuse he says you reek of is purely in his imagination and is 100% his fault. You are entirely free from him and I wish you well in your journey away from this gaslighting cunt xxxx

Stratocumulus · 30/08/2023 22:45

Do not stay with this awful man, old enough to be your father. Yuk.
If you stay you might end up his nurse, wiping dribble, wiping ass, constant hospital appts. Is that how you see your future?
Kids are resilient. Contacts Woman’s Aid if only to gather info. Information is power. You are educated. You can get out. Feel the fear, make the plan, do it anyway.

flowertoday · 30/08/2023 22:45

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Your son will thank you later for putting him first by leaving this abusive, cruel and toxic man. You will have protected his childhood, and shielded him from the kind of violence and abuse that scars for a lifetime. He will look up to you and see someone who was strong enough to walk away, break a cycle and build a bright and hopeful future.
Leave as soon as you can, for yourself and your baby. Tell your family and seek advice from women's aid. You can do this, and you are already well on the way to doing so.