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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband said I "reek of abuse and nobody would want me"

141 replies

Wonderering · 30/08/2023 22:30

I've just had a baby and already feeling fragile. Husband like to use my insecurities against me. He previously called me a "stupid molested bitch". I feel so alone. I can't possibly tell anyone I love this or they would absolutely insist I leave him. I know I should leave him but I'm worried my baby would resent me for making him just like me (no father and vulnerable to abuse by stepfather). I feel like such a failure. I'm degree qualified (no career because of him controlling me) but I know I could build myself up, I'm very resilient. His comments hurt me more than for myself, but for the fact that I've made this man my child's father, my child deserves better than this. Please convince me to leave, I know its the right thing to do, I just don't know how to begin. For context he's 25 years older than me and has always made me feel inferior.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 23:49

Takes a special kind of belly crawling bastard to try to shame someone about sexual abuse they suffered.

Also the age gap when he's so clearly abusive is very concerning. He's a predator.

JamSandle · 30/08/2023 23:49

He's fucking horrible and abusive.

Throckmorton · 30/08/2023 23:53

You can do this (ie leave) - you've already done the hard part which is to realise you need to leave. Your child will be 100% better off not having to live with this abuser. Think about it logically - why would your child resent you for protecting them? They would be much more likely to resent you if you stayed with an abuser just so they had a "father". Who on earth needs an abusive father? You can do this! Tell your family and friends - let them help you to leave. Hugs

JFDIYOLO · 30/08/2023 23:53

I'm so sorry.

It sounds like you were hurt by one man when you were a child, then another came along and realised here was someone damaged he could dominate - and added his own abuse. They can sniff this out and are attracted to it.

How old were you when he arrived? Very young, I'd imagine.

Stepfather? It reads as though your mind has instantly gone to a place where your own story gets played out again as something inevitable. A vicious circle.

A stepfather for your child isn't the inevitable step.

In fact I think you'd be better off single.

Finding yourself, allowing your intelligent, loving, educated self to emerge from under the weight of two abusive insulting damaging coercive controllers.

And building yourself up into a more resilient self confident independent woman and mother.

Therapy might be possible and helpful for you.

The freedom programme and women's aid have already been recommended.

Consult a solicitor to find out your rights.

Do you have anyone else? Parents, siblings, friends? If he might have alienated and separated you from your network, it would be wise to reach out and start reconnecting.

So many women here still cope with the legacy of abusive fathers and mothers who did not have the strength to leave - and protect them. And so many others are grateful that their mothers did.

He's going to be doing this to your child too.

And one day when your child has moved away, possibly limiting contact with you, there you'll be, an unpaid youngish nurse to a vicious old sod.

I hope we're helping you think this through?

Nat6999 · 30/08/2023 23:56

I left when ds was 6, I didn't want him living in an atmosphere you could cut with a knife. I didn't want him seeing me constantly walking on eggshells, terrified of what would spark an argument. He has never said that I should have stayed with his dad & even at that age, can remember the arguments & felt on edge that something would kick off. You can do this, you are stronger than you think, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for him

Greensleeves · 30/08/2023 23:56

You're in a tunnel right now, which makes it very hard to trust your instincts and see clearly. That's because he has you isolated and vulnerable and is drip feeding you poison. He knows how to unbalance you and make you feel unsafe, he has had a lot of practice. You have very good instincts, hence reaching out here and asking people to help restore your perspective and confirm your need to leave.

Leaving is so difficult from your position because it feels like a leap into the dark. You're not safe now, though, are you? Once you take the plunge and get away from this man, believe me your mind will clear very quickly and you can start getting your confidence and your independence back. I would call women's aid tomorrow and start quietly making a plan.

ImNotWorthy · 30/08/2023 23:58

He has preyed on a vulnerable person, you. And having a baby with you is his way of trying to make you dependent on him - I've seen this time and again on MN threads.

Escape routes exist. There is hope.

SemperIdem · 31/08/2023 00:28

Please leave him. He is abusing you. He is an abusive cunt.

Take your baby and don’t look back. It is despicable that he is throwing childhood sexual abuse in your face, he is a terrible person.

You deserve better than this, you can have better than this just by being at peace on your own, with your baby. Will he want to see the baby, maybe. Will he have to take you to court - definitely. Overnight stays won’t be ordered for a young baby, it will have to be revisited repeatedly. Even if he has the financial backing for it, he won’t keep it up. Because he’ll find another focus for his attention.

BigPussyEnergy · 31/08/2023 00:35

I saw this when I was dithering about leaving my ex. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. ((Hugs}}

Husband said I "reek of abuse and nobody would want me"

UnRavellingFast · 31/08/2023 00:42

flowertoday · 30/08/2023 22:45

I am so sorry you are going through this.
Your son will thank you later for putting him first by leaving this abusive, cruel and toxic man. You will have protected his childhood, and shielded him from the kind of violence and abuse that scars for a lifetime. He will look up to you and see someone who was strong enough to walk away, break a cycle and build a bright and hopeful future.
Leave as soon as you can, for yourself and your baby. Tell your family and seek advice from women's aid. You can do this, and you are already well on the way to doing so.

You have expressed what I wanted to say so perfectly. OP the only right path for you and your child is to leave this appalling, abusive cock. Staying would hurt you and your child beyond measure.

Mmhmmn · 31/08/2023 00:45

OP. Your baby will grow to resent you if you DON'T leave him.

He is an absolute evil bastard saying that to you. Please leave now for both your and your baby's sake so you can have a nice life without him. You both deserve so much better.

Raggammuffin · 31/08/2023 00:46

You can leave op. I raised my dd to know that a woman has the right to be respected, a woman has the right to say no, and to have boundaries, and to make a mistake! You made a mistake but you can leave him. My dd doesn't judge me for leaving a man who treated me like shit.

Blondewithredlips · 31/08/2023 00:51

I am so sorry to hear how you are being treated. So many amazing women on here will support you while you arrange to leave.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 31/08/2023 00:53

You can’t stay with this man. He doesn’t love or respect you.
If you can’t trust a man, then you raise your baby with no stepfather.
What happened to you, won’t happen to your baby
But you do need to leave otherwise your baby will be abused by his own father, albeit a different type of abuse from CSA.

You are degree educated and I can see you are confident and just need room to spread your wings. Give Womens Aid a call. Hopefully they can get you to a shelter and the two of you to a brighter future for you both soon. You’re doing the right thing, your baby will grow being so proud to have a mum like you.

Totallyterrific · 31/08/2023 01:02

Leave him Wonderering. None of the awful things he is saying are true. Your baby will thankyou for leaving and giving him/her and a safe, loving and happy environment. xx

Clymene · 31/08/2023 01:12

What a hateful human being you're married to. Please leave and have a beautiful life with your child

Someoneonlyyouknow · 31/08/2023 01:12

You do know how to begin, you have already done it. There may be difficult days ahead but none as dark as staying would be. You will contact Women's Aid and find out where you can go. You will tell some people that you know truly love you and let them help and support you. Your child will not be harmed by you leaving and will be damaged if you don't. You can do this

givemeasunnyday · 31/08/2023 01:13

Please leave him, you and your baby deserve so much better. Enlist the help of family/friends, but get out - this is not going to get any better.

JustAnotherRandom · 31/08/2023 01:17

Flopsythebunny · 30/08/2023 22:39

Please find the strength to leave him.
Many years ago, I told my ex husband about my maternal grandfather's sexual abuse. From that day on he referred to me as "the old man's toy". It broke me

That is evil. I'm so sorry.

Stressedafff · 31/08/2023 01:18

Congratulations on your baby
Please leave that vile cunt.
I stayed with my abuser, my DD is 3 now, I wish like anything I’d have left the day I had the positive test. Please, for yourself and your baby leave this man. Or you’ll become a shell of yourself.

shitt · 31/08/2023 01:21

He’s right, you do “reek of abuse” - with him being the perpetrator that is. What a pathetic thing to say to a partner who’s been through trauma. He’s 25 years older than you and I think that age gap can indicate men who want someone easy to control, or men who women their own age don’t want…

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 31/08/2023 01:25

Ffs the more l read on here, the more l hate men.
What an absolute piece of shit he is op.

Notts90 · 31/08/2023 01:28

As a PP said, that's one of the most awful things I've read on MN.

Please get away from this disgusting excuse for a human.

Do you have a support network?

JustAnotherRandom · 31/08/2023 02:20

Congratulations on your baby OP.

You have had some good advice on here from people with experience. Logically, you know there is no return from someone who has used you being violated as a weapon with which to violate you again. It is beyond horrific. Would you ever ever ever do that to someone you hated, let alone a partner? He wants you to feel you've asked for or deserve that in some way. You absolutely have not and do not. He is a sick fuck who should be thanking his lucky stars for you and the baby, being your rock right now. I'm so sorry he isn't and he won't be. You deserve better.

I stayed too long with an emotionally abusive man and still don't really know why I didn't leave sooner. Have you ever heard someone say they wished they'd stayed longer with an abusive partner? Leave (and that may just be mentally whilst you get a plan sorted) before he takes anymore of 'you' away.

I've heard that many abusers step up the abuse after a baby. Your baby is a
huge reason to leave this man, not a reason to stay. The baby has your love and support - he doesn't need the hate his father brings into his environment. Allow yourself to grieve if you want for the life you hoped you'd have together, whilst you and your baby move onto a better life than you would have had if you'd stayed.

There is help there as PP's with more experience have said. Get as much as you can and use the strength and resilience that you know you have to get you and your baby out of the war zone. One day at a time. You've got this.

madeleine85 · 31/08/2023 02:22

Leave. It’s not going to get better. It likely will escalate. If you normalise this, your child will think it’s ok to treat people like that, or be treated like that. Also, you deserve so much better. Emotional abuse is horrific but you’re seeing it for what it is. That’s step 1. Please talk to someone and make a plan.

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