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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said I "reek of abuse and nobody would want me"

141 replies

Wonderering · 30/08/2023 22:30

I've just had a baby and already feeling fragile. Husband like to use my insecurities against me. He previously called me a "stupid molested bitch". I feel so alone. I can't possibly tell anyone I love this or they would absolutely insist I leave him. I know I should leave him but I'm worried my baby would resent me for making him just like me (no father and vulnerable to abuse by stepfather). I feel like such a failure. I'm degree qualified (no career because of him controlling me) but I know I could build myself up, I'm very resilient. His comments hurt me more than for myself, but for the fact that I've made this man my child's father, my child deserves better than this. Please convince me to leave, I know its the right thing to do, I just don't know how to begin. For context he's 25 years older than me and has always made me feel inferior.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 30/08/2023 22:46

Tell your GP/health visitor and family also contact Women’s Aid.

thisisasurvivor · 30/08/2023 22:47

IseeNarcPeople · 30/08/2023 22:43

That's not a father lovely that's an abusive psychopath.
You definitely are strong and resilient, you know that, you have all the strength you need inside to get away from him for both your sakes.

Hit the nail on the head

Report this bastard this is shocking abuse

I escaped with a 7 week old
We are calm happy safe
We are thriving

Fck him

Binfire · 30/08/2023 22:50

It sounds like you have to people who truly care about you, please tell them about the abuse and ask for help leaving. You can do this.

toadasoda · 30/08/2023 22:50

Well done for posting OP. You are starting to take steps in the right direction. No advice just support. Your post shocked me a little, you poor thing

coolkatt · 30/08/2023 22:51

your baby will thank you for not allowing him to be brought up in another family of abuse. BREAK THE CYCLE. come on love, you know it is the right thing to do. u have to speak to the people you trust the most. fact is they probably know he is abusive and they will be so glad to help you get away.
if your son ever resents it in the future be honest with him when he is an adult and tell him exactly what his dad called you. you will be able to bring him up with your own morals to see that this is utterly wrong and no one should be living like this. he has abused you so much you cannot see your own worth. leave this prick and live your best life with your baby. please please leave.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 30/08/2023 22:59

Oh my goodness OP. What a vile thing he said to you.

It's not true. He just wants to make you feel like shit so you cling harder to him.

You are a fantastic mum. You've seen your DH for who he truly is and there is no coming back from that.

One step at a time, you'll leave him. You'll do it for your DD so you can give her a brilliant life, I know it, without this geriatric loser bringing you down.

Perhaps just start by thinking what you need to put in place. You don't have to do everything at once but you can prepare. Speak with women's aid or look into benefits and housing. Knowledge is power. Best of luck.

Hawthornberry · 30/08/2023 23:00

You are worth so much more than this. He has stripped you down and made you feel bad about yourself. You seem awesome though, and so much better than this. You can live a better, happier life. I know the thought of leaving seems scary, but it will be ok. In reality you will likely feel relief and a weight off your shoulders when you are free of this toxic man. Please try to think of yourself and what you need.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 30/08/2023 23:02

Get him tae fuck, he's vile and controlling

thisisasurvivor · 30/08/2023 23:03

Those words are utterly horrific

OP what can you do to get out asap

Where can you go?

Lovely people on here gave me the courage to leave

I firmly believe my fcker would have killed me eventually

He said shit like that all the time

So so sorry OP cxxxxxxxxx

Canthave2manycats · 30/08/2023 23:06

He is utterly evil. Please do tell someone who loves you and they will help you get out of this mess before you (and your baby) suffer any more at the hands of this cruel abusive piece of absolute shit x

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 23:15

but I'm worried my baby would resent me for making him just like me (no father and vulnerable to abuse by stepfather

He'll have a father, if his father chooses to see him.

His father is an abuser, and a particularly nasty one at that, however so ..... That would have to be carefully considered and managed.

He will not be vulnerable to abuse by a step father because you are a good person and Mum who will safeguard him.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 23:16

It's not true. He just wants to make you feel like shit so you cling harder to him

Some people just also love to hurt others, put the down and torture them.

It makes them feel.good, it makes them feel superior.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 30/08/2023 23:17

I know I should leave him but I'm worried my baby would resent me for making him just like me (no father and vulnerable to abuse by stepfather).

I can guarantee that your baby will resent you more if you stay.

You do not want your baby growing up in such a horrible environment, as that trauma will affect them for the rest of their lives.

How old are you?

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 23:20

He previously called me a "stupid molested bitch

This and your thread title are among the worst things I've read on here ..... And that is saying something.

24 years older ..... Creepy bastard.

A certain type of man goes for much younger women. When you see behaviour and attitudes like this from them, that corroborates they're abusers who want women they think they can manipulate and control etc.

He sounds like he wants to convince you that noone else would want you and you're lucky he's with you. That's because he knows other men would have you quite happily and that you're not lucky. He, on the other hand is lucky and punching above his weight. He knows if you get strong enough emotionally that you may well leave his sorry abusive old arse.

As you should.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 23:21

*25

tothelefttotheleft · 30/08/2023 23:21

Flopsythebunny · 30/08/2023 22:39

Please find the strength to leave him.
Many years ago, I told my ex husband about my maternal grandfather's sexual abuse. From that day on he referred to me as "the old man's toy". It broke me

Im so pleased for you that are no longer with that awful excuse for a man.

HectorSalamanca · 30/08/2023 23:28

Oh OP, this is heartbreaking.

You NEED to leave this man.

This shitty human being will be your son's role model. His dad will speak to him like a piece of shit. In turn, your son will think this is a normal way to treat a partner and this cycle will continue.

Please take the advice of PP's and make a plan to leave. Good luck X

UpaladderwatchingTV · 30/08/2023 23:31

Like everyone else I desperately want you to get away from this horrible, manipulative man. You KNOW you can do it, and deep down you know that your baby is far more likely to resent you if you stay and continue to subject yourself and him to this evil bastard, rather than moving to somewhere you will both be safe AND happy! You've said you're resilient OP, so now is the time to get out of there, and start building up the future you know you're capable of, for the sake of you and your baby.

Just as an aside, I have a friend who was always told by her mother that she'd never find anyone to have her, that she was ugly, and unloveable. She sat here beside me today, as happy as can be, with her wonderful DH beside her. He loves her to bits, and has done for more than 30 years! Her mother? She's now just a bitter old woman, who has no-one to love her, because gradually people got to see her for the evil bitch that she is.

Thementalloadisreal · 30/08/2023 23:31

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/
..in case you’re worried about the practicalities of leaving.

Women’s aid also has a live chat on their website.

Rights of Women - Helping Women Through The Law

https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/

DdraigGoch · 30/08/2023 23:34

I know I should leave him but I'm worried my baby would resent me for making him just like me (no father and vulnerable to abuse by stepfather).

Not if you never bring a stepfather into the picture.

Even if you leave with nothing more than the shirt on your back, you and your baby will have more than you could ever have with this man.

Malarandras · 30/08/2023 23:39

OP please get help to leave this excuse for a human being. Please call Women's Aid or a local refuge - someone who can help and help quickly. There are great people out there who will help you. You and your baby deserve so, so, so much more.

Blueeyedmale · 30/08/2023 23:40

First off contact women's aid and leave him for your sake and your son,your mental health will decline,and witnessing this could turn your son against all men in the future,I witnessed some horrific things in my childhood and some horrific things happened to me,I had to protect women and children at any cost even if that meant me getting into trouble, seeing all men as abusers,you deserve so much better, give yourself that chance of happiness and contact women's aid

10HailMarys · 30/08/2023 23:41

Your husband is abusive and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near you or your baby. He’s a sadistic creep. By leaving with your baby, you are protecting your child.

BogRollBOGOF · 30/08/2023 23:42

Well done on having the strength to see that this is wrong.

Make your plans and leave him safely.

It will be a huge gift to your child growing up, not to share a roof with a malignant excuse of a human like this.

wayyour · 30/08/2023 23:44

Jesus he sounds awful!

Do you have any way of getting out of the situation? Family to go to? I think you've already been advised to try women's aid.

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