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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said I "reek of abuse and nobody would want me"

141 replies

Wonderering · 30/08/2023 22:30

I've just had a baby and already feeling fragile. Husband like to use my insecurities against me. He previously called me a "stupid molested bitch". I feel so alone. I can't possibly tell anyone I love this or they would absolutely insist I leave him. I know I should leave him but I'm worried my baby would resent me for making him just like me (no father and vulnerable to abuse by stepfather). I feel like such a failure. I'm degree qualified (no career because of him controlling me) but I know I could build myself up, I'm very resilient. His comments hurt me more than for myself, but for the fact that I've made this man my child's father, my child deserves better than this. Please convince me to leave, I know its the right thing to do, I just don't know how to begin. For context he's 25 years older than me and has always made me feel inferior.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 31/08/2023 04:02

Call Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

You need to make plans to leave.
You need support.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/08/2023 04:51

He'll resent you far far more if you stay with this creepy weird arse toxic. brute. You don't need any of us to tell you to "run for the hills and never look back" you know that yourself.

5YearsLeft · 31/08/2023 05:02

Well, the good news is the sooner and further away you get from your soon-to-be-ex, the less you’ll “reek of abuse” (what a stupid thing of him to say, and of course you don’t) since HE’S been abusing you. These comments he’s made ARE abuse. And it sounds like he’s dangerously controlling on top of it, as you said you don’t have a job because of him.

I know you mentioned you have a degree, but please don’t fall into this trap - either of thinking degree-educated people don’t end up in abusive relationships so there must be something wrong with you, or that you’re stupid. There are TONS and tons and tons of educated women in abusive relationships. We all want to be loved, some of us have been quite badly hurt by our childhood caregivers so we’ll accept non-ideal situations, and all of us know how desperately hard it is to leave once you realize you’re in an abusive situation, because it’s almost always a case of feeling like the boiled frog.

You are strong enough and smart enough and a good enough mother to leave him, and you are a decent person deserving of love that doesn’t hurt.

About 100 people on this thread have helped give you mental “permission” and support to leave, so I’m just person 101. Very, very, very best of luck 💐

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 31/08/2023 05:35

Love is an action. Love yourself and love your baby by getting out of there. You have already taken a big step by telling us and I can hear resilience and self belief when you say "I know I can rebuild myself." Your torturer sees it as well which is why he speaks his filth.

manova366 · 31/08/2023 05:36

5YearsLeft · 31/08/2023 05:02

Well, the good news is the sooner and further away you get from your soon-to-be-ex, the less you’ll “reek of abuse” (what a stupid thing of him to say, and of course you don’t) since HE’S been abusing you. These comments he’s made ARE abuse. And it sounds like he’s dangerously controlling on top of it, as you said you don’t have a job because of him.

I know you mentioned you have a degree, but please don’t fall into this trap - either of thinking degree-educated people don’t end up in abusive relationships so there must be something wrong with you, or that you’re stupid. There are TONS and tons and tons of educated women in abusive relationships. We all want to be loved, some of us have been quite badly hurt by our childhood caregivers so we’ll accept non-ideal situations, and all of us know how desperately hard it is to leave once you realize you’re in an abusive situation, because it’s almost always a case of feeling like the boiled frog.

You are strong enough and smart enough and a good enough mother to leave him, and you are a decent person deserving of love that doesn’t hurt.

About 100 people on this thread have helped give you mental “permission” and support to leave, so I’m just person 101. Very, very, very best of luck 💐

This, OP. I just want to say that I have met all kinds of highly educated women, including women who are partners in law firms, CEO's, and professors, who are in/have left abusive relationships.
It can happen to literally any woman.
It isn't easy but you can leave, and once you've left you can get support and counselling and you can learn how not to get into another abusive relationship, and your baby will be 500% better off with no abusive men in their life.
There's so much good advice on these threads, it is the place to start. Good luck.

Mimi299 · 31/08/2023 05:59

OP he is abusive and you deserve so much better, I hope you know that.

As everyone has said you need to leave him but I would also add please DO NOT tell him about this in advance. Tell your family first, get your ducks in a row, keep it quiet before you leave and make sure you have support or do it in public when you tell him. I say this because abusive men like him can’t handle losing control and you might be at significant risk or physical abuse once you tell him.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/08/2023 06:45

Whatever vulnerability past abuse has left you with is probably exactly what attracted him to you. Abusive men like him seem to target women whom they can abuse. You and your baby deserve much better.

PastelLilac · 31/08/2023 06:54

25 year age gap?? That's the same age gap between me and my dad! How old were you when you got into a relationship with this man? How old are you now? He sounds like a predator and obviously chose a much younger woman to control.

Do your child a favour and show them that it's not OK to stay in a toxic abusive relationship.

YouJustDoYou · 31/08/2023 06:56

My mum stayed with my dad. It fucked me up, op. I resented her for keeping us in that situation. Had she left and done it on her own I might've actually had a chance at a happy childhood. Your child will never, ever hate you for rescuing her/him op.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/08/2023 07:00

What an awful cunt he is.

You must free your baby and yourself from him.

Nanaof1 · 31/08/2023 07:19

Wonderering · 30/08/2023 22:30

I've just had a baby and already feeling fragile. Husband like to use my insecurities against me. He previously called me a "stupid molested bitch". I feel so alone. I can't possibly tell anyone I love this or they would absolutely insist I leave him. I know I should leave him but I'm worried my baby would resent me for making him just like me (no father and vulnerable to abuse by stepfather). I feel like such a failure. I'm degree qualified (no career because of him controlling me) but I know I could build myself up, I'm very resilient. His comments hurt me more than for myself, but for the fact that I've made this man my child's father, my child deserves better than this. Please convince me to leave, I know its the right thing to do, I just don't know how to begin. For context he's 25 years older than me and has always made me feel inferior.

Do not walk. Do not pass Go. Call Women's Aid and get some help and get the bloody hell away from that abusive pile of human waste. You DESERVE better and your child deserves better. Your child is depending on you to give them a good life and with the abusive dud, that will not happen. He will do to your child and say to your child whet he does and says to you.

RUN and don't ever look back.

Nanaof1 · 31/08/2023 07:22

Errolwasahero · 30/08/2023 22:33

Oh my dear I wish I could come and get you! You deserve better than this, and so does your baby. Please, please get in touch with women’s aid and they will help you figure things out.

I know! I think there are a couple dozen of us that would love to go and help her pack.

Tilllly · 31/08/2023 07:23

Flopsythebunny · 30/08/2023 22:39

Please find the strength to leave him.
Many years ago, I told my ex husband about my maternal grandfather's sexual abuse. From that day on he referred to me as "the old man's toy". It broke me

Sick bastard

DuckyShincracker · 31/08/2023 07:24

Pease leave for the baby's and your sake's as early as possible. This man has nothing to offer either of you except sadness and pain.

Stressedsoph1 · 31/08/2023 07:25

I fled DV with my 2 kids it took social services pushing me to choose between my kids and my abusive partner to make me see the light. I was so blinded by his talk of noone else wanting me. of me being alone that I felt I couldn't escape
thank goodness I did. I'm now with a lovely man 20 years older but who gives me freedom to make my own choices, adores me and treats my 2 kids like they were his own their father has never paid a penny for them and rejected every attempt made to force him to. he's now stopped seeing them when SS refused to change his contact from supervised. I think my 11 year old was fairly close to making that decision himself anyway, and to be honest both of them have been so much happier than ever before

Nanaof1 · 31/08/2023 07:26

Flopsythebunny · 30/08/2023 22:39

Please find the strength to leave him.
Many years ago, I told my ex husband about my maternal grandfather's sexual abuse. From that day on he referred to me as "the old man's toy". It broke me

I am SO sorry that some worthless jerk used the abuse you suffered as a child to abuse you then. I am so happy that you are away from him! {{HUGS}}

Tilllly · 31/08/2023 07:29

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 31/08/2023 05:35

Love is an action. Love yourself and love your baby by getting out of there. You have already taken a big step by telling us and I can hear resilience and self belief when you say "I know I can rebuild myself." Your torturer sees it as well which is why he speaks his filth.

This is so so right @Wonderering

You can make a new, wonderful life for you and your child
Start fact finding and planning
Contact women's aid and a solicitor
Get those ducks lined up and then get rid of this horrid, broken man

Just think how your life can - will - be

Poppyblush · 31/08/2023 07:32

Leave. Your baby will thank you for it.

ainsisoisje · 31/08/2023 07:41

Please leave! These abusers are the lowest of life forms and you and your baby deserve so much better. I can't believe he said that to you....genuinely shocked. How insecure must he be in order to put down the mother of his baby instead of supporting her. What a wanker.

CoffeeLover90 · 31/08/2023 07:43

I read posts like this, it brings it all back. The name calling, the emotional abuse, was worse than the physical. I know now, it's designed to knock you down, keep you in line so you're too scared to leave.
Scared to leave, terrified to stay. Read something like that.
Would it help if I said my son doesn't resent me? He doesn't see his dad (dad's fault) and he knows nothing but happiness.
He's not vulnerable to step dad abuse, he doesn't have one. If I ever decided to start a relationship I'd know the signs to look for, thanks to the freedom programme, doesn't have to be any different for you.
If someone told me two years ago, I'd be here... Great job, great friends, house clean and well decorated and most importantly my son and me content... I would have laughed.
But it is possible, please believe me, there's a better way to live, you can do it. Your baby will be the motivation you need. Don't let him grow up thinking his father's actions are acceptable.

CrankyPantaloons · 31/08/2023 07:50

He is an abuser and you are being abused. The fact that you have posted here would lead me to believe that you already know the answer to this situation. Your role as a mother is to protect your child and you do that by first protecting yourself. I'm so so sorry that the people in your life (both past and present) have been so deficient, you and your baby deserve so much more but it's within you to get it. I hope you find the strength to leave the abusive, nasty, oxygen thieves behind.

Defiantjazz · 31/08/2023 07:52

Well I’m not sure he’s going to be a particularly brilliant dad/role model.

Just leave him.

mumyes · 31/08/2023 07:54

OP, you sound amazing!!

You can do do this. 💪🏻

Fantastic that you have such a good education. Lots to come in handy for your future flourishing.

Tell your family or someone you trust. Get support, be kind to yourself.

We're all behind you.

BlackSwan · 31/08/2023 07:54

He's a predator. I'm having a visceral reaction just reading this so my heart goes out to you living this while in your most vulnerable state having just had a baby. I really hope you find the strength to get away from him and far from your stepfather also. Your resilience is commendable but that strength needs to go towards getting far away from this, not tolerating it further.

Raggammuffin · 31/08/2023 07:56

@5YearsLeft I agree, it's an assault on your boundaries, an assault on your sense of your self. @Wonderering I think it can be harder to admit to admit to people that you got yrslf into this situation when you know you're smart enough to understand the dynamics but still to scared to escape. So you keep up the facade until the day after you leave.

I read something that comforted me enormously I an Anne Dixon book. you have the right to make a mistake
My abusive x had trained me to believe I owed it to him to overlook all of his awful personality traits while striving to be more accommodating and pleasing and acquiescent to him

I didn't know how I could leave. That one sentence, printed in a published book helped me see that for a normal emotionally healthy person, the mindset is, well "This is wrong for me, changing course"
You dont need the permission of a .an who wants to project his shame on to you.
No normal man tells a woman that she is an old man's plaything or that she reeks of abuse. Omg.

Save yourself. Save your baby. Sending you strength because I know first hand it's not easy.
Xxxx