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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said I "reek of abuse and nobody would want me"

141 replies

Wonderering · 30/08/2023 22:30

I've just had a baby and already feeling fragile. Husband like to use my insecurities against me. He previously called me a "stupid molested bitch". I feel so alone. I can't possibly tell anyone I love this or they would absolutely insist I leave him. I know I should leave him but I'm worried my baby would resent me for making him just like me (no father and vulnerable to abuse by stepfather). I feel like such a failure. I'm degree qualified (no career because of him controlling me) but I know I could build myself up, I'm very resilient. His comments hurt me more than for myself, but for the fact that I've made this man my child's father, my child deserves better than this. Please convince me to leave, I know its the right thing to do, I just don't know how to begin. For context he's 25 years older than me and has always made me feel inferior.

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 31/08/2023 07:57

Leave, you won't let your child be vulnerable, youve got this. You're going to be strong and amazing and he isn't worth your belly button fluff. Take a good look at this pathetic human, you don't want him being the model for your son, get him out of both of your lives. Show him an independent intelligent and caring adult x

Serendipitoushedgehog · 31/08/2023 08:03

Get the hell out of there. You will be doing your daughter a favour.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 31/08/2023 08:03

Wonderering · 30/08/2023 22:41

Thank you so much to you amazing women who are so supportive ❤️ I feel like I am at rock bottom with nowhere to turn to. But I also know that I have been at rock bottom before and made it out (albeit without my baby). I'm so inspired to hear from women who have done the same.

OP you've said yourself you have the option to work yourself up career wise. Imagine in a few years you could have a great job, your child and be free of this vile man. Please leave for the sake of you and your DC you won't regret it.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 31/08/2023 08:06

Flopsythebunny · 30/08/2023 22:39

Please find the strength to leave him.
Many years ago, I told my ex husband about my maternal grandfather's sexual abuse. From that day on he referred to me as "the old man's toy". It broke me

No words. What a disgusting man, I hope you are thriving without him 💐

Jennalong · 31/08/2023 08:12

Said kindly , maybe he picked you because you were vulnerable from past abuse , and the fact you are also much younger than him is a red flag as well .
Who's plan was it to start a family ? I'm assuming he's at least aged 45+ , having a child to bind you to him could have been another plot of his.
Do yourself and your child the biggest ever favour and get away from him as soon as you can .

midgemadgemodge · 31/08/2023 08:18

I believe women's aid may be able to help you

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 31/08/2023 08:23

@Flopsythebunny bless your heart. I'm so sorry. I hope you see it for what it is, a disgusting lie.

billy1966 · 31/08/2023 08:25

Please please tell someone.

This is horrific abuse of you AND your baby.

By being in this environment your baby is already being abused.

This is so dreadful.

Pack a bag.
Ring the police to come and get you.
Ring family.

Please get yourself and the baby to safety, today.

Anonymouseposter · 31/08/2023 08:29

I have never said this before, as it’s often said too easily, but LTB now and minimise his contact with the child as much as you possibly can.

TicTac80 · 31/08/2023 08:36

@Wonderering and @Flopsythebunny , I am so sorry you guys have gone through that (and are going through that). I had to read your posts more than once to compute/understand what your abusers used as words against you and I'm furious and disgusted. Those words aren't even enough to explain my feelings.

Absolutely LTB. Make quiet plans first. Get the info you need (don't let on to him). Speak to Women's Aid (and maybe check out the Pregnant and Screwed website) and make notes of exactly what he is doing/saying and when (keep them private where he can't find them). Speak to the police/your GP/midwife/HV (to get this on record). You can do it. Have you got friends you can trust?

Don't be afraid of being a single parent. You'll do just fine away from this pig of a man. I promise you it is far better for your baby and you to be away from an abusive life like this. You don't want your little one growing up to seeing/hearing his father abusing you in such a way. FWIW I'm single and plan to be single for life. I never want to live with another man again and I don't want to waste my precious free time dating anyone. It's freeing and my life is so peaceful now. I wish you all the very best x

C8H10N4O2 · 31/08/2023 08:37

If you can't this abusive arse for yourself then leave for the child. If its a girl, he will train her to expect abuse, if its a boy, he will either train him to expect abuse or to be an abuser (or both).

Use the links upthread to start the process.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 31/08/2023 08:40

All of us who are parents on here - and those who aren't - know that children primarily learn and grow from the behaviour that is modelled to them by the adults they live with.

They have accents, personalities, mannerisms, beliefs, ways of thinking, ways of acting that are very clearly traceable back to what they have taken from their parents - we all know this.

I'm sorry, I know this will be painful, but just take a moment to imagine your beautiful, innocent DS in 18, 25, 35, 50 years' time speaking to and treating a woman who trusts and loves him in the same way as his father is speaking to and treating you now. All as a natural result of what he has learnt is the way a man should behave, from his father.

If this thought doesn't horrify and chill you to your bones, just leave things to continue exactly as they are.

Otherwise, listen to the excellent support and advice that is being offered in this thread - by people who don't know you and will almost certainly never meet you irl, but who are nevertheless showing you the love and kindness that you deserve and treating you as an important, loveable, valuable person in a way that your nasty, abusive, predatory, victim-blaming husband cannot bring himself to do Flowers

River87 · 31/08/2023 08:41

Make a police report. Leave him. Your child deserves a happy life and so do you.

My ex probably became abusive (to all three partners, one after the other) because he said he grew up watching his step dad beat up his mother.

End the cycle before it's too late.

CaptainMyCaptain · 31/08/2023 08:44

Randobelia · 30/08/2023 22:32

Tell someone. Do it for your child. Leave that utter fuck wanker and build a new life for you and your child.

You know this is what you have to do. Do it ASAP.

MaidOfSteel · 31/08/2023 08:45

I know you don't want your child to grow up seeing his father verbally abusing, demolishing you piece by piece, and thinking this is normal; thinking this is how men treat women. You and your son both deserve a much better, happier, more peaceful life. Please use this collective Mumsnet support as a crutch to lean on while you & your son leave this awful excuse for a man.

PurplePotatoMash · 31/08/2023 08:48

The only way your child will 100% face abuse is if you stay with this man. He will abuse both of you. If you leave, your child has a fighting chance not to grow up with abuse.

user1471538283 · 31/08/2023 08:52

I left my abusive ex with a baby and whilst it wasn't easy I think having my DS gave me strength. Do it for your DC.

Men like yours and my ex actively find vulnerable women. My turning point was when I realised my ex enjoyed causing me harm and suffering. Who does that?

I'm now many years in the future and I've build a successful, independent life and I have a close relationship with my DS. My ex is a broken down old man with nothing and none of his DCs bother with him.

You are stronger than you think you are. He is much weaker than you think he is

Summerishere123 · 31/08/2023 09:07

You need to retrain your thoughts. You don't want your baby to grow up thinking this is normal (as you clearly have done thanks to your home set up). You need to break the cycle and show them what a strong women looks like.
If you need help leaving just ask. Many women here have done it and can help you with a plan.

SparklyStone · 31/08/2023 09:16

What a hideous thing to say to someone!! Please run. I spent 17 years with someone who utterly broke me down. It’s taken 7 years to rebuild myself. Please please leave him x

Thoughtful2355 · 31/08/2023 09:39

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AmazingSnakeHead · 31/08/2023 10:00

He's a monster. Tell someone who loves you and who you trust. Allow yourself to lean on them. Your baby will have nothing but love and admiration for his wonderful hardworking mummy who moved heaven and earth to keep you both safe from mental abuse.

Also, you won't let what happened to you happen to your baby. Even if you do move on and your baby eventually gets a stepfather, you will be vigilant and you will teach your child to come to you with any problems. You will believe them, you will put them first and protect them.

I'm so sorry about what happened to you. The adults in your life failed to protect you. But leaving this man is the way that you can protect your own child, as well as yourself. You deserve better!

ShorelineDance · 31/08/2023 10:03

You don't have to tell anyone about your past in the future

You can be anyone that you want to be !

You can be a strong single parent

You can make some positive changes

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 31/08/2023 10:13

I put YABU just for you saying you don't want to hear your friends and family tell you to leave him. That's exactly what you need to hear and your DS will thank you for it.

SpongeBabeSquarePants · 31/08/2023 10:13

If you can't do it for yourself do it for your child. Don't let him make them feel the way he makes you feel. You can do this.

Superfoodie123 · 31/08/2023 10:18

Staying with him you're still in the cycle of abuse. Your baby deserves better and so do you. Get out now. Women's aid will help you.